Monthly Archives: December 2015

Disgusting Women

I quote Donald Trump:

“I know where she went — it’s disgusting, I don’t want to talk about it,” Trump said, screwing up his face, as the crowd laughed and cheered. “No, it’s too disgusting. Don’t say it, it’s disgusting.”

While some people dismiss this as another “Trumpism” I think  we need to take note. After all, when one of the most vile, nasty and ignorant people in the United States calls something “disgusting” it must be REALLY awful.

I admit that I do not have firsthand knowledge, like Donald evidently does, of what “goes on” in the Ladies Room. I have always pictured the Ladies Room as a sanctuary of joy and peace. Comfortable chairs. Flowers in vases. Vogue and Conde Naste. Perhaps a few bottles of the best bottled water.

I can recall many times when I was at dinner and a woman would go to “powder her nose” or “freshen up” . Yet when she returned , as she sometime did, her nose still glowed and she seemed none the fresher. Yet, I  failed to see through the feminine facade.

I have long suspected that Ladies rooms were hiding something. Something only the Donald knows. Perhaps he has traded his fox skin hairpiece for a woman’s wig and so breached the sacred walls? Perhaps he hired an undercover female traitor who had divulged their secrets?  Like Donald, I have known since 2nd grade that girls have cooties. Was this the final proof?  Whatever is going on cannot be simple defecation and urination. It is more vile than that.

I can only imagine. What do  these women DO behind closed doors. Like chimpanzees in the cages at the zoo do they hurl feces at each other? Is that why it takes them so long to “freshen up” and get back to the dinner table? Do they take off the gloves and engage in non-holds-barred kick boxing brawls? Is that why they powder their noses? To hide the bruising?

To find exactly what DOES go on behind those sacred  doors of womenhood I called upon an expert, Mrs. Abigal Charlotte Beauregard von Holstein. She, like her mother and grandmother before her, is the current chairwoman of the DAP (Daughters of the American Porcelain.)

Me: Hello Mrs. von Holstein. May I call you Abby.

Mrs. vH: Most certainly NOT.

Me: Donald Trump has charged that many “disgusting ” things are happening in the so-called “Ladies Room”. What is your response?

Mrs. vH: Ladies simply use the facilities to take care of normal bodily functions.

Me: Normal bodily functions? The Donald insists these functions are “disgusting” . How do you respond?

Mrs. vH: I respond by asking you what goes on in the Men’s Lavoratories.

Me: All kinds of disgusting things. I mean, when I was a little boy I recall going to Comiskey Park to see the White Sox and having to use the men’s room to pee. It was amazing. There was a long trough along one wall and men, who had had a lot of beer, stood shoulder to shoulder spraying the walls, floors and sometimes even the urinal. The place had an odor of old urine. The toilets were clogged. Even for a nine year old it was disgusting.

Mrs vH: I can assure you that nothing so unpleasant occurs in the Ladies room. Only normal bodily functions. In a sanitary setting. End of interview. You may go now.

Me: You mean that women just…uh..use the toilets? These paragons beauty and grace  do a  number 1 and number 2? Those gorgeous  Playboy bunnies I see in the mags just need to flatulate?

I can now more fully appreciate The Donald’s disgust for women and their nasty habits . Poor Donald has had his world shattered! How would you like it if you had purchased a trio of trophy wives and they expressed normal bodily needs? Every time your current woman (and Donald loves women)  went to “powder” her nose all you could think about was that your model of femininity and grace was simply taking a dump.





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Boozing with the Prez

Somewhere around the turn of the century (the latest turn) pollsters and “news” reporters started asking people which presidential candidate they would “prefer to have a beer with”.

I confess that I come from a generation in which the drinking qualification for the highest office in the land was not considered a factor. I thought maybe life experience should matter. Empathy. How about intellect or intelligence? Maybe previous service in the military or as a community organizer? Someone who had “gravitas”.  But that seems to have changed.

What would the “Founding Fathers ” say about this? What did they think  were the necessary qualifications for a chief executive? The Constitution is clear. A certain age, a citizen, not much else. But, as with so many things in life, I was mistaken. It seems the Founding Fathers had more to say on the issue.

There is the old  Tavern in NY city where the patriots used to meet. Recently, one of the Guatemalan illegal immigrants sweeping up at night found weathered, dogeared piece of paper stuck to the bottom of a bar stool with chewing tobacco. It has been authenticated by top Fox Entertainment experts as the real thing.  It dates from the days of the Founding Fathers.

Evidently this old document was SUPPOSED to be part of the original Constitution. Sadly it was lost or misplaced, perhaps during one of the many drinking parties and barroom brawls of the old Whigs. It clarified exactly what the qualifications should be for the President of the United States. Take a gander.

This is how Article 2, Clause 5 looks today:

“No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.”

However, the following “lost clauses” were supposed to be added:

“No person shall be elected to the Office of the President who has not the ability to consume one half a hogshead of hard cider within the time of 3 hours and who, within such time, shall not be required to visit the latrine more than thrice. In addition;

“Such person shall have be of high moral  character and as such shall not have on his or her plantation more than 5 slave children who bear a remarkable resemblance to such a person, nor shall such a person whip his slaves more than twice in any fortnight. In addition;

“Such person shall have the ability to load and fire a muzzle loading weapon at least thrice within a time frame of 5 minutes  and shall be able, at a range of 50 paces or more ,  to use such weaponry to hit the broad side of a barn. In addition;

“Such person shall have had no physical contact with or been alone with any livestock , including but not limited to hogs, sheep, poultry of all kinds and horses, unless such a person find himself alone and at least 6 miles from the nearest brothel. In addition,  finally;

“No person shall be qualified for the high office of President until such person shall be declared having the mental age greater than that of  the Hamadryas Baboon  and be so certified by 2 astrologers and one bloodletting physician.”

I think we need to go back to the original intent of the Founding Fathers and eliminate a number …well,  perhaps ALL, the current crop of candidates for the most important job on Earth.

(Source of the story about the lost document: I overheard  a guy say his cousin talked to a guy who was watching TV and thought someone mentioned something about it. Good enough for me).





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Filed under candidate, Constitution, Democrat, Elections, GOP, government, Politics, POTUS, Republicans, slavery, United States

A Modern Christmas Story

The line of ragged refugees trying to gain entry into the US winds around the corner. Men in robes and tattered clothes. Women wearing veils and hijabs. Little , wide -eyed children peering out from behind their mothers’ flowing dresses.

The Border Control agent barks .”Next”

A young bearded man, with wife and baby crouching behind, slowly approaches.



The agent is filling in a form.

“Where are you coming from?”

“The Middle East. We have had to leave our home.”

Agent:” Why did you leave?”

Yusef: “They are killing us. The new government has taken our property and demands that we give up our homes and possessions. We fled from the violence. If we go back they will kill us. Don’t send us back”

Agent: “Do you have any documents?”

Yusef:”No. We had to flee quickly. We left everything behind except what we carry.”

Agent, writing : “How did you pay for the airline tickets?”

Yusef: “We had a little gold, but that is now gone.”

Agent:”How do you intend to support yourself? Do you have any skills?”

Yusef: “I  worked in construction. I can build  things. I work with tools.”

Agent: “I see you wife is wearing a hijab. Are you Muslims?”

Yusef: ” Oh, no. She is just wearing the traditional veil. It means nothing.”

Agent: “Are you Christians? Do you  follow Christ?”

Yusef, looking  confused: ” No. We are simply refugees fleeing for our lives. Please help us.”

Agent, writing down something and looking concerned. “What is in those two boxes?”

Yusef: “Just some perfume and some medicines. It is all we have.”

The agent calls over some security who take the boxes and disappear into another room. “Sorry, those boxes will have to be destroyed. They had some odd looking substances in them.”

The agent looks at the young refugee family , down at his forms, and back up again. “You have no papers. You have no means of support. You CLAIM not to be Muslims, but you sure LOOK  like Muslims to me. You brought in some strange packages. And you claim your life is in danger but offer no  proof. ” He then takes out a big red stamp and loudly stamps the documents, hands them back to the young man and points him to the exit door.

“We will be putting you and your wife and child on the next plane back to the Middle East. Good luck. And Merry Christmas.”

The young man looks down at the document. The big red letters of the stamp are bold: ENTRY DENIED.

They cover the names of the applicants.

Yusef the Carpenter, wife Mary and baby Jesus.





Filed under Christianity, Christmas, government, immigrants, Immigration, Islam, Judaism, Politics, Religion, Society, Terror, United States, US

Trump Smokes Dope

OK. I finally figured it out. Trump smokes dope. Now it all makes sense.

I knew I had heard some of his ideas before. Just couldn’t remember where or when. The following is based on things that the Donald, I presume under the influence of some good ganga, has actually said.

Picture a smoke filled room, a bong and the Donald with his hair down to his shoulders , wearing a tie-dye shirt and love beads. Surrounded by a bevy of wide eyed 16 year old girls who he has hired as apprentices.

After a long toke….” You know, we could get oil prices much lower. All we have to do is tell those Saudis. Lower your f…cking prices, man. Just lower them.”

“Children.Think  of children getting all those shots. Those vaccinations. Children should get just one shot at a time. Not all at once. Children are not  horses, man. Be cool.”

Another toke….” I got a source. I got a great source. You know what? This is gonna blow your mind. My source says that Obama was born in Kenya. Really. Not even an American. For sure.”

” What about those Ayrabs? You know how to deal with Ayrabs? Well, I do. Like this  Khaddafi guy. I rented him some land. But I really screwed him on the deal, dude. That’s how you deal with these Ayrabs. Just rent em something and then screw them.Right on”

And another toke…” And those Muslims. Gotta get em out of the country, dude. Just ain’t right. Here’s what I’d do. Just ask em at the border. You a Muslim? They say YES, you kick em out. They say NO, you let em in. Easy. Just takes guts.”

“We gotta build a wall. A big wall, like 20 stories high. Keep out Mexicans. Mexican rapists. Want our women.  Then, here’s the best part, dude. We make the Mexicans pay for it. Easy.”

Final toke…”My IQ is like 200. I am so smart . And you guys are losers. Sorry, but it’s the truth man. I am smarter than, like, 21 Einsteins.”

” The media, man. F…ck the media. Their just, like jealous. As long as I have a young piece of ass with me the media can go screw themselves. ”

So next time The Donald opens his mouth remember what your mama said. Drugs kill brain cells. DON’T DO DRUGS.

Or if you MUST do drugs, don’t run for the presidency. It’s not a pretty sight.

( Some are actual quotes. Some are paraphrases of quotes. But it’s all Trump)


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Filed under Elections, Foreign policy, Politics, POTUS, Trump

Desperately Seeking Muslims

Donald Trump continues to be a real treasure trove of ignorance.  I know, I know. What am I talking about ? So much to choose from.

Well, I am referring to his latest..wait, what time is it…his latest comments about banning Muslims.  All Muslims. That will make America safe. Again. Or great again. Or whatever. You know.

So, the next obvious step in the Trump Plan is the HOW to do it? The Donald is always a little close-to-the-vest when it comes to details. (Remember Nixon’s “secret plan” to end the Vietnam War. Ooops) His latest escapade into the unknown is no exception.

So, let’s get practical. How do we identify a “Muslim”. Especially a “Muslim terrorist” which is, after all, the reason for the ban. To keep “Muslim terrorists” out of the US. Now that, in itself, is not a bad idea. After all, we have plenty of “Christian terrorists” already. Who needs the competition? The fewer terrorists the better , I always say.

The problem is simple: What does a “Muslim” look like? In order to ban them, we need to see them first. Seek them out. So, what do we look for?

Well, we know that he could look like a Pakistani or a Turk or a Nigerian or a Russian or an Egyptian or a Chinese (23,000,000 Chinese Muslims) or a Saudi or an Englishmen or an Uzbeki or an Indonesian or an American or a Brazilian…well, you get the idea. Muslims are from every ethnic group and live in every nation on earth. Every one! Nope. I lied. There is one nation that has no Muslim citizens. Vatican City. So, Pope Francis can glide through customs without a body cavity search.

So, I guess just looking won’t work too well. So, let’s ask!

Everyone who enters the US should be asked a simple question: Are you now or do you ever intend to be a Muslim terrorist. If they answer “Yes”. GOT EM. Another victory for The Donald. Unless, of course, a Muslim “terrorist” is smart enough to figure out that he should answer :”No, sir, I am not. And by the way. god bless America !”

So, Donald. We need a few more details. Keeping terrorists out of the US is a unique and fascinating idea. Something no one ever thought of before. But now we need to see the details.

How do you identify a Muslim? How do you identify a”Muslim terrorist”?


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