Trump dictionary…I is for

I. I . Best word in the English language. I am the best president ever. I don’t say that, but other people say that about I. I have done more than FDR, Lincoln and Reagan all in one year, that’s what they say about I. I don’t say that. Nobel Prize for I. I don’t say that. Other people say that about I. I. I .I.

Illegal. Mexican rapists. Salvadoran rapists. M16 gang members. Some are very young. Like 3 months old. Almost babies. Sad. They start raping at such a young age. Very sad. Not all. Just most. Some say Melanie is illegal. FALSE. She was a model. She did not come across the mountains from Mexico. She used to be a real knock out. Like Ivanka.

Immigration. Awful stuff. Terrible. Who are these people coming into my country. I was never an immigrant. No one in my family was ever an immigrant. I would send them all back. Back to Africa.

Immoral. Never heard that word. Fake word.

Investigation. Fake investigation. Spygate. Wait. Spygate is real. Mueller is fake. No indictments. No collusion.  All investigations are fake. Never should happen. Let’s investigate Hillary ! Lock her up.

Iran. Terrible country. Worst country on earth. No more nuclear deals with Iran. Many muslims in Iran.

Ireland. Fantastic country. They just banned all abortions. Fantastic job. Beautiful people. Many Irish in Ireland. Blarney Stone. Great stone. Very famous stone.

Israel. Fantastic country. Moved the embassy to Jerusalem. People said it couldn’t be done. I did it. Record time. Fantastic. Many Jews in Israel. Some people say Israel started as a Jewish nation. I don’t know. Time will tell.

Ivanka. WOW. What a beauty. If she wasn’t my daughter. Believe me. She is hot, hot , hot. Lucky Jared. Also very brilliant. She is amazing. See how she dresses? Very classy dresser. The best. WOW. That’s what people say.

(Feel free to add your own)

Trump Dictionary…H is for

 

Handjob. See Hope Hicks.

Haspell. Great woman. Did she torture? What’s torture. Waterboarding is not torture. She didn’t go far enough. Should have tortured the children of the terrorists. Then they would have talked, believe me.

Hate groups. So many hate groups. Democrats. All haters. FBI. Haters. Europeans. All haters. ACLU. Hate group. Me too movement filled with haters. Women love me. Black Lives Matter. Haters. Why don’t they say White Lives Matter? KKK, some are haters but many, and I mean MANY, are fine citizens. Believe me. Many fine people in the KKK. Many.

Healthcare. Wow. Fantastic health care plan. I solved the health care plan. Everyone now has more healthcare. Best healthcare. Much cheaper than Obamacare. They said I couldn’t do it. Obamacare is done. Over. My healthcare plan is the best.

Heel Spurs. Ouch. Boy they hurt. My doctor discovered my heel spurs during the Viet Nam war. I wanted to go to Nam. Had to take 5 deferments. Too bad. We would have won, believe me. If I had been there the Viet Cong would have run away. I would not have been captured like that loser McCain. McCain, what a loser. Couldn’t go. Heel spurs. All better now!

Hillary. Lock her up. Benghazi. Collusion . Sold nukes to Russia. Awful. Nasty woman. Does nasty woman things. Kicked her ass. Lock her up. Why is the FBI not locking her up. Disgraceful.

History.  I know history. Believe me. History is incredible. Just incredible. I am the best president in history. I don’t say this. But many people say it. Many people, many historians, say that Trump is the greatest president in history. Nobel Prize. Amazing president. I know lots of history, believe me.

Hope Hicks. Beautiful girl. Fantastic. Reminds me of Ivanka. Fantastic. Smart cookie. Melania didn’t like her.

Hurricane. Very bad. Lots of wind. Big wind. Trees go down. Puerto Rico had a big hurricane. I solved it. I threw towels. People loved it. Used the towels to soak up the water. They thanked me. Said I was the best president ever. Make America Great Again. No more hurricanes!

The Strange Case of Oleg Bullshitsikov

I was called last week by one of my Russian friends who lives in Siberia. His name is Oleg Bullshitsikov and he resides in the village of Nunsensitova located deep in the taiga.

For those of you who slept through your 9th grade Social Studies class the “taiga” is the vast forestland of eastern Russia. It stretches for 5,800 kilometers across Russia. It is the largest forest in the world, the single largest biome on the face of the Earth. It’s really, really big.

Now, I haven’t heard from Oleg since his failed attempt in 2013 to host the Russian version of Miss Wild Forest in Siberia. He was out bid by 13 rubles by Donald Trump who now holds the rights in Russia to Miss Taiga, Miss Tundra and Little Miss Putin beauty contests. But that is a different story.

Oleg was fuming. He was pissed off . He was as confused as a Trump supporter in a third grade science class. . He was insulted. I recorded his call to me. Here it is, word for word.

Me: Oleg, what the weather like , comrade?

Oleg:  Gloomy. Gloomy. Gloomy. This is Russia. Always gloomy. But especially gloomy for me.

Me: What is the problem, Oleg? Why so sad?

Oleg: Sad , yes. And mad, yes. Both sad and mad.

Me: So, talk to me , my friend. What is wrong?

Oleg: Let me give you some names. Then I will tell you. Here some some names. Sergey Kislyak. Russians “diplomat”. Big ties to Trump and the GOP. Gazprom. Energy company with ties to Tillerson. Igor Sechkin, president of Russian owned energy company, Rosneft. All have direct ties to Donald Trump. Direct ties. No middle man.

Me: So, what is the problem with that?

Oleg: Wait, I am not done. There is more. RIT, Russian propaganda station. GRU, Russian intelligence agency. Both connected to Mike Flynn. Also connected to Carter Page. Also connected to Julian Assange and Wikileaks. Leaked anti-Clinton emails.  Another connection to Trump.

Me: So, what is your point, Oleg?

Oleg: Wait. Wait. I am not done. Dmitry Firtash, Ukrainian oligarch. Victor Yanukovych, former Ukrainian president. Oleg Deripaska, Ukrainian oligarch. Konsatntin Kilimnik, Ukrainian associated with the Russian GRU. All connected to Manafort. Manafort was Trump’s campaign chairman. Another connection to Trump.

Me: Yes, well, seems to be a few connections with oligarchs and Russians and Trump. But, what is your point?

Oleg: Wait. Wait. I am not done. Consider this. Aras Agalarov, builds lots of building in Russia for Putin. Sergei Millian, head of Russian chamber of commerce. Alfa Bank, biggest private  bank in Russia. Fedor Emelianenko, a big star in Russia. All of these guys are friends of Putin and have done business with Trump. Lots of Russian connections to Trump for many years.

Me: OK, so, I still don’t see why you are so upset, Oleg. What is the problem?

Oleg: Wait. Wait, my friend. I am not done. Fabian Baussart and Randa Kassis, who wanted to give Putin the Nobel Peace Prize for his peaceful work in Syria. Roman and Dasha Abramovich, oligarchs and friends of Vladimir Putin. All have ties to Donald Trump Junior or Ivanka Trump. So many Russian connections to the Trump family businesses. So many.

Me: Still don’t see where you are going with this, Oleg.

Oleg: Wait. There is more. Yevgeniy Prigozhin, Mikhail Bystrov, Mikhail Burchik, Aleksandra, Kirylova, Anna Bogecheva, Sergey Polozov, Maria Bovda, Robert Bovda, Jay Aslanov, Vadim Podkopaev, Gleb Vasilchencko, Irina Kaverzina, Vladimir Venkov. All these Russians indicted by the US government. Why? For helping Donald Trump win the election.  You think they did this for free? For nothing. We are Russians. We do nothing for nothing.

Me: OK. So, Oleg, why so angry?

Oleg: Why so angry? Where is my cut? Why was I not allowed in on this scheme? What did I do to deserve this? Am I the only man in Russia who is not on the payroll of Trump? Outrageous. Despicable! Un-Russian. I am just a poor Russian who could use a few more rubles. Donald. Do you hear me? I have some tundra near the North Pole I can sell you you real cheap? Donald, help me. I am for sale!

Me: OK , Oleg. Sorry you are out of the Trump loop. Hang in there. 2020 is not that far away and I am sure there will be plenty of new opportunities coming your way.

Oleg: Farewell my friend. Gloomy. So gloomy. Always gloomy in Mother Russia. Next time you see Michael Cohen please mention my name. OK , comrade?

 

https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/03/connections-trump-putin-russia-ties-chart-flynn-page-manafort-sessions-214868

 

https://www.scpr.org/news/2018/02/16/80839/13-russian-nationals-charged-in-mueller-investigat/

A Gun Free Zone

The 2nd Amendment guarantees my right to carry a gun anywhere I want… according to the NRA.

The NRA is hosting Donald Trump today as a speaker. I am sure he will give a great speech. He will talk about those evil liberals, like Nancy Pelosi (Scary!!!) who want to take away your guns.

He will stand tall with real Americans who want guns everywhere.

They want guns in colleges. In universities. In high schools. In elementary schools. In hospitals. In stadiums. In churches. In synagogues. In  mosques..well, they don’t want mosques but if you have to have mosques let’s put guns in them.

Guns. Guns. Guns. Everywhere guns.

It’s the 2nd Amendment.

Except. When Mr Trump gives his speech later today there will be no guns allowed at the NRA convention. None.

A real slap in the face of the 2nd Amendment.

Trump dictionary…G is for

Gangster. Awful people. Mostly black. No respect for the law or FBI. Terrible. MAGA.

Genius. Very smart person. A lot of people, believe me, a lot of people say I am a genius. I know more than the generals. I defeated ISIS. I built a wall. I know more than anyone. I am not saying that. That is what many people say. Believe me.

Giuliani. Rudy is a very smart lawyer. Great American. Fought terrorists on 9/11. By the way, so many Muslims in New Jersey cheered when the towers fell. Awful. Terrible. Where is the investigation? Rudy is very smart. Mexico gave him a $ 1,000,000.

Give Me A Break. Great phrase. I invented that phrase. It means to give me a break. Many people now use it. I didn’t copyright it so now all Americans can use it.

God. Fantastic guy. Wonderful person. Some people compare me to god. I don’t know. Maybe. But god is a very smart guy. Created everything. No global warming.

Goons. Hillary Clinton hired goons. Goons are bad people. The Clintons had many goons. So does Pelosi. Terrible women.

Gotcha. Fake Mueller investigation wants to ask gotcha questions. They are out to get me. I will not answer gotcha questions. No collusion. No Russia thing. Very fake.

Greatest. Many people say I am the greatest president ever. Believe me, that’s just what people are saying. Greater than FDR. Greater than Lincoln. Greater than Washington. I have done more in one year than any president ever. That’s what people are saying. That’s not what I say, but many people are saying  it. So, time will tell. I may be the greatest or maybe just the 2nd greatest. Who knows. time will tell. People are saying it, though.