Go Fund Me, Please

Some new Go Fund Me accounts that all of us should support.

Donald To Deutschland. Accepting all variety of coin (rubles preferred) to send Donald back to the homeland of his father. His father, Herr Frederich von Trumpenhausen, was born in a nice place somewhere in Germany. Help Donald return to der fadderland. Help him find a nice place. A place where the black folks don’t roam. A place where they had a wonderful wall that worked…well, maybe not so much. A beautiful place. The best place ever. A place he could love to call home…if it was 1936.  A long way from here. One way ticket only.

DeVos Year Abroad Fund. Betsy grew up in Holland , Michigan and after her private high school (in Holland, Michigan) went to a small private religious college called Calvin College. Also in Holland, Michigan. There she studied the philosophy of Thomas Hobbes, who encouraged the subjugation of all to absolute authority. So, her thought processes have been formed by those of Calvin and Hobbes. Once, in 1978, she left Holland, Michigan when she took a wrong turn on a side street. Never made that mistake again. We feel that sending her overseas may broaden her knowledge of the world, since she is the Secretary of “Education”. Then, again, maybe it won’t. Perhaps a trip to a foreign country, like Puerto Rico, might do the trick.

Pills For Pence. Obamacare just doesn’t cover everything. Mike Pence cannot control his sexual urges. He refuses to have lunch or dinner or be in a room with a woman alone. The temptation to attack her and sexually assault her is too great . (Not a problem for the commander-in-chief, however).  He cannot trust himself. Of course, so far in his lifetime there has never been a woman who would eat lunch with him or be in a room with him by herself. But that is another Go Fund Me. This account will fund an adequate supply of Rohypnol for the veep. It is hoped that by ingesting this drug his personality will be elevated above the current comatose state.

Bears For Biden. This crazed hugger cannot control his emotions. Maybe it is that he misses his first wife and young  son who were killed in a car accident in 1972. Or maybe he misses his other son who died in 2013 of brain cancer. Or maybe he just likes people. Who knows? But, in 2019, it is inappropriate to show any affection to anyone at anytime. Period. So, Joe needs a big , fat Teddy Bear to hug. One of those gigantic bears that can take having the stuffing hugged out of him,or, preferably, her. Hug away Joe. Just look out for the MeBearToo movement.

Bribes For Bibi. Bibi needs cash. Cold hard cash. Under the table cash. Untraceable cash. It’s just not fair. Everyone else is doing it, why can’t Bibi? OK, so he got caught taking a few little payments. Big deal. His mother told him he should have been a doctor. Anyway, Bibi’s cash flow is drying up. In Israel, they CAN indict the leader for crimes. What a crazy Idea. Who knew? So, keep Bibi above water. Send your shekels ASAP. What else can you do? (Shrug).

Mensches For Miller. You have to feel for Stephen Miller.  He raises ugly to new heights. I don’t mean his physical appearance, I mean his entire persona. (OK, also his physical appearance).This guy couldn’t get a date from a palm tree. He is wrapped tighter than Oprah’s butt in a string bikini (Now that you read it, try to get THAT IMAGE out of your head). Let’s face it . Miller needs a MAN. A real MAN. Someone he can look up to for guidance. Someone with whom he can “redirect” his outflow of hostility, his expulsion of anger, his eruption of animosity, his explosion of malevolence. In short , he needs a man. Not just any man. He needs to buy himself a night with a mensch. He needs to blow off some steam. Mensches  for Miller … send real US money… no Jews need contribute.

Gonads for GOPS. This is an emergency. Like, a MAJOR emergency. Someone has stolen the gonads from the entire GOP. Every last one. Since McCain died, there has not been a gonad in sight. Lindsey Graham donated his to Donald. McConnell had his surgically removed . Romney left his in Utah. Rubio’s were too small to locate in the first place. Barr’s are in a bottle. The only GOPer with any left is Ann Coulter, and she ain’t about to share hers with anyone. So, send your bucks to buy some artificial gonads. We can get them in bulk from Russia. Putin has an entire room full of em. He might even send out at a discount.