Captain Don was steadfast and strong. He was the man in charge. He was the man in control. He was given control of the Titanic and he was doing it his way. The best way.
He inherited a crew of tried and true sailors. He fired them. Then he hired the best crew and the best mates. Well. A whole bunch of them left so he hired some more. They left. So he hired more of the best men.
And off he sailed.
One day his first mate came to him and said. “Captain, my, captain, the best captain in the world. One of our crew has spotted an iceberg. On a collision course with the Titanic”
Captain Don replied. “Fake news. A hoax. There is no iceberg. Stay the course.”
A few hours later, the same mate came to Captain Don. ” Captain, my captain. The captain with the biggest brain in the world. The iceberg is closer now and we still have time to steer the ship to a different course. See, look to the north, you can see it in the distance.”
Captain Don peers to the north. His gaze is steady. His jaw juts out in defiance.
Captain Don speaks. ” That is no iceberg. It is an ice cube. See how tiny it is? How foolish you are. A hoax. Fake news. Such a tiny ice cube can do us no harm. Stay the course.”
A few hours later, the iceberg looms closer and closer.
The first mate. “Captain, my captain. The smartest, bravest captain with the biggest brain. And best brain. The iceberg is going to hit us. We can not get out of the way. What should we do?”
Captain Don. ” Well, why didn’t we see the iceberg sooner? Where was the man in the crow’s nest. He must have been one of Barry’s men. A member of the Deep state. Out to get me.”
First mate. ” Oh captain, my captain. The sexiest, smartest most brilliant captain in the world. Actually it was your budget cuts that eliminated the man in the crow’s nest. The early warning system we used to have. What should we do?”
Captain Don. ” Put everyone in lifeboats. Time to evacuate.”
First mate. “We only have 20 lifeboats for 20,000 people. What shall we do?”
Captain Don. “What? Why so few boats. The former captain Barry refused to buy more boats? It is Barry’s fault. Damn him. Well, put me in a boat and find my friends. Get them in boats.”
First mate. “Captain my captain. The truth is that Captain Barry left you with plenty of boats. Actually it was you who sold the lifeboats, cheap, to your friends in the boating industry. We had enough lifeboats. No longer.”
Captain Don. ” Lies. All lies. Fake news. Fake iceberg. I take no responsibility. Not my fault. Not my fault. Where is my lifeboat? I’m out of here. You’re in charge”
5 responses to “Oh Captain, My Captain”
Oh, this is an excellent post!!! Thanks for directing me to it!
Resignation Letter (draft)
Being your President has been great; I could do anything I wanted. I kept every promise I made. Before my election (completely fair, most votes ever), America was a shambles. With so many taxes and regulations, it was hard to make a buck here. I fixed that; America is great again. I would have done more, but you were ungrateful; you don’t even know how much you owe me. I have had enough.
I am going to get AF-1 repainted with the Trump logo, issue a few pardons (which I have absolute power to do), and vacate this crummy DC dump. I will get in a few rounds at Mar-A-Lago before I fly to a friendly country. Pence has promised me a little favor; don’t expect to get your plane back.
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I suspect that there is a runway in a Moscow airport waiting for the landing.
Well, he stopped working 3 years ago. But resignation is not in the works. Except for us.
Ooh, does that mean he’s gonna resign?
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