Magnetto Man

News Item:

“In recent days and weeks, several reports have emerged of people in India claiming that they have been miraculously imbued with the power of magnetism upon taking a dose of one of the COVID-19 vaccines currently in circulation. 

From a man in Jharkhand’s Hazaribagh to another in Maharashtra’s Nashik to a woman from Bengaluru, videos showing individuals with various metallic items like spoons, forks and coins appearing to stick to their bodies have been shared extensively on social media platforms. …”

I had my covid vaccine a few months ago and then some strange things started happening to me. Now, I read about those poor folks in India who became magnetized and I felt bad for them. Magnets in the vaccine ! But I never thought it could happen to me. Here is my story. Beware, it is a sad tale.

The day after my second shot I noticed that every time I went outside my head automatically turned to face the north. Like I was a human compass. Which was OK since I often get lost and now I have a clear idea of where I should go.

I walked into town and headed for a an Italian restaurant. The silverware kept leaping up and sticking to my arms . I decided to try a Chinese restaurant instead, since they would have chopsticks. On my way out all the coins left as tips on the tables flew into my hands. Pretty good deal.

Now, at the China House at least I could eat with wooden chopsticks. Made me wonder though. Could those tiny magnets that are in all the vaccines be a Chinese plot, to sell more food? Just thinking. Anyway, the chopstick thing worked pretty good except for the egg drop soup. Took me 45 minutes to finish the bowl.

I thought I better go home…easy with my new “due North” body… and drove my car to the big city. Problem was I couldn’t get out. I mean I was sticking to the entire metal body like a slug on a cucumber. Luckily the local fire department arrived and excised me with the “Jaws of Life”. So much for my Corvair.

I did make a slight error in judgement while doing some outdoor chores. I would not advise cutting up firewood with a chainsaw. Almost lost my nose. The axe wasn’t much better. Ever try to chop wood with a year old pumpkin? It doesn’t work too well.

I am, of course, well known for my magnetic personality but this is ridiculous. I can’t go into the kitchen any longer since I get slammed up against the appliances like an oversized refrigerator magnet. I can only thank the Almighty that toilets are porcelain.

Playing golf is a bit harder. Although, to be honest, it hasn’t really effected my overall score. Every time I tee off the driver keeps hitting me in the head, so that hasn’t changed.

Fortunately help is on the way. I talked to my doctor the other day and he arranged a hospital visit for me. I have very high hopes that this magnetic vaccine issue will soon be cured. Thanks to my insistence I have an appointment for an MRI next week and that should sort things out.