February, 2023. The death of another Supreme Court justice has created an opening for President Biden to make another appointment. He put forth over 54 candidates but none of them could pass the now GOP led Senate. All them were rated “excellent” by the US Bar Association, but all were found lacking in some way.
Some were black. Some were women. Some were Jews. Some were Muslims. Some were too tall. Some were too short. Some were right handed. Some were left handed. Some could read and write. Each and every one had some profound defect which prevented them from even being given a hearing by the GOP dominated Senate.
Zippy the Chimp had the basic qualifications that Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz sought for this lifetime appointment. So, President Biden reluctantly relented and sent Zippy to the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings.
It was decided there would be only one camera in the meeting and it would always be focused on the distinguished chairman, Ted (Cancun) Cruz. Cruz had changed the committee rules so only he could ask questions, which upset Senators Cotton and Hawley, who needed camera time as well. But, Ted was adamant. The Democrats refused to participate, claiming (without support) that a chimpanzee is not intellectually qualified to sit on the Court. Ted and Mitch McConnell disagreed, citing Justice Kavanaugh as an example. Ted would rule the committee with an iron hand.
So, here, in its entirety is the transcript.
Ted: Thank you Zippy, for your presence here today. We will keep the meeting very short as I have a plane to catch to Cancun.I do it for my daughters. My lovely daughters. Let’s get to it. For the record, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and all that stuff?
Zippy: Hoot Hoot. (translation: I have no idea what you just said)
Ted: OK. Good answer. How would define banana?
Zippy: (excited) HOOOOT…HOOOT…hoot hoot (translation: Banana! Did I hear banana ? Give me a banana. Give me banana)
Ted: Very good. Do you think that men are men and women are women and blacks are blacks and whites are whites and that is how god made them?
Zippy: Hoot. Hooot…hooooot. (translation: I’m sure you said banana. Where is the banana?)
Ted: Excellent answer. Now, I have this book here called ” Das Kapital”.It was written by someone named Marx, I think it was Harpo Marx, but my staff is researching that right now. Do you think we should be teaching about this , what I call, economic pornography, to our Kindergarteners? Kindergarteners? Many liberal schools are teaching that book right now as we speak.
Zippy: HmmmHmmm …Hoot…hoot…Hmmm (translation: I think you meant Karl Marx, the 19th century economic philosopher and father of communism. What about the banana?)
Ted: I am glad you agree. Moving on. Every life is sacred. When I think of the embryos! Oh, my heart goes out to the embryos. (a small tear appears in his left eye). Don’t you agree that we must stop the madness of a woman deciding for herself how many children she wants. Shouldn’t the government decide that?
Zippy: Hoothoothoot…pant..hoot. (translation: They told me there would be bananas. Where in the name of Jane Goodall are the bananas? This is getting serious!)
Ted: Final question. Big government overreach. How DARE the government tell people to wear a mask or get a vaccine. Big brother. Telling us men what to do. How dare the government decide what is best for me. Don’t you oppose the liberal-communist-socialist agenda designed to take away our basic rights as men?
Zippy: Hoot Pant Hoot Pant …HOOOT..HOOOT. (jumping up and down on the table and banging his coffee mug in frustration, hair standing on end, bristling) (translation: You SOB. I was told there would be bananas. I’m missing reruns of “The Apprentice” for this? INSANE! I’m outta here.)
Zippy leaps away from the table and runs toward the back of the room, knocking over chairs, people and water bottles as he bolts toward the door.
Ted: Well, that was a fine display of concern and emotion. Such passion for the issues. For the Constitution. I know all of my Republican colleagues join me in saying that Mr Zippy is a shoe -in as the next justice of the Supreme court. Bye-bye, Zippy.
Zippy turns, displays his rump to Ted, and scampers away.
And the average IQ of the committee room is lowered by 17 points.