Zippy versus Ted

February, 2023. The death of another Supreme Court justice has created an opening for President Biden to make another appointment. He put forth over 54 candidates but none of them could pass the now GOP led Senate. All them were rated “excellent” by the US Bar Association, but all were found lacking in some way.

Some were black. Some were women. Some were Jews. Some were Muslims. Some were too tall. Some were too short. Some were right handed. Some were left handed. Some could read and write. Each and every one had some profound defect which prevented them from even being given a hearing by the GOP dominated Senate.

Until Zippy.

Zippy the Chimp had the basic qualifications that Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz sought for this lifetime appointment. So, President Biden reluctantly relented and sent Zippy to the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings.

It was decided there would be only one camera in the meeting and it would always be focused on the distinguished chairman, Ted (Cancun) Cruz. Cruz had changed the committee rules so only he could ask questions, which upset Senators Cotton and Hawley, who needed camera time as well. But, Ted was adamant. The Democrats refused to participate, claiming (without support) that a chimpanzee is not intellectually qualified to sit on the Court. Ted and Mitch McConnell disagreed, citing Justice Kavanaugh as an example. Ted would rule the committee with an iron hand.

So, here, in its entirety is the transcript.

Ted: Thank you Zippy, for your presence here today. We will keep the meeting very short as I have a plane to catch to Cancun.I do it for my daughters. My lovely daughters. Let’s get to it. For the record, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and all that stuff?

Zippy: Hoot Hoot. (translation: I have no idea what you just said)

Ted: OK. Good answer. How would define banana?

Zippy: (excited) HOOOOT…HOOOT…hoot hoot (translation: Banana! Did I hear banana ? Give me a banana. Give me banana)

Ted: Very good. Do you think that men are men and women are women and blacks are blacks and whites are whites and that is how god made them?

Zippy: Hoot. Hooot…hooooot. (translation: I’m sure you said banana. Where is the banana?)

Ted: Excellent answer. Now, I have this book here called ” Das Kapital”.It was written by someone named Marx, I think it was Harpo Marx, but my staff is researching that right now. Do you think we should be teaching about this , what I call, economic pornography, to our Kindergarteners? Kindergarteners? Many liberal schools are teaching that book right now as we speak.

Zippy: HmmmHmmm …Hoot…hoot…Hmmm (translation: I think you meant Karl Marx, the 19th century economic philosopher and father of communism. What about the banana?)

Ted: I am glad you agree. Moving on. Every life is sacred. When I think of the embryos! Oh, my heart goes out to the embryos. (a small tear appears in his left eye). Don’t you agree that we must stop the madness of a woman deciding for herself how many children she wants. Shouldn’t the government decide that?

Zippy: Hoothoothoot…pant..hoot. (translation: They told me there would be bananas. Where in the name of Jane Goodall are the bananas? This is getting serious!)

Ted: Final question. Big government overreach. How DARE the government tell people to wear a mask or get a vaccine. Big brother. Telling us men what to do. How dare the government decide what is best for me. Don’t you oppose the liberal-communist-socialist agenda designed to take away our basic rights as men?

Zippy: Hoot Pant Hoot Pant …HOOOT..HOOOT. (jumping up and down on the table and banging his coffee mug in frustration, hair standing on end, bristling) (translation: You SOB. I was told there would be bananas. I’m missing reruns of “The Apprentice” for this? INSANE! I’m outta here.)

Zippy leaps away from the table and runs toward the back of the room, knocking over chairs, people and water bottles as he bolts toward the door.

Ted: Well, that was a fine display of concern and emotion. Such passion for the issues. For the Constitution. I know all of my Republican colleagues join me in saying that Mr Zippy is a shoe -in as the next justice of the Supreme court. Bye-bye, Zippy.

Zippy turns, displays his rump to Ted, and scampers away.

And the average IQ of the committee room is lowered by 17 points.

The Death of Borys

A few years ago I visited Poland with my brother. On a side trip from Krakow we took a bus trip to see the horrific concentration camps at Auschwitz and Birkenau. (See link below).

Estimates are that 6,000,000 human beings were murdered in these camps. Some , however,survived.

Boryus was one of those survivors. He had survived Buchenwald. He had survived Peenemunde. He had survived Dora. He had survived Bergen-Belsen.

In 2012 Boryus Romanchenko attended a special ceremony celebrating the liberation of Buchenwald. He spoke about the need to create a world where peace and freedom will thrive. An old man who had survived the mot vile political movement designed by man, Naziism.

In 2018 Boryus attended another ceremony at Buchenwald. He was one of the last 3 living survivors of the camp. The last living links to the horror foisted on human beings by the mad man, Hitler.

Boryus was living peacefully in his apartment in Kharkiv, Ukraine, when it was targeted by the Russian attack. A civilian target. An apartment building.

Boryus survived Hitler. Himmler. Goebels.

Boryus lived for 77 years after his liberation. He thought he had survived the worst.

But Boryus Romanchenko, at the age of 96, could not survive Putin.

https://josephurban.wordpress.com/?s=auschwitz

Time for a Change

Looks like the US Senate has finally agreed to throw aside partisan politics and solve some important issues. After years of mindless squabbling for partisan advantage, they have come together to deliver a victory to the American way of life.

Hunger? Latest estimates claim that 17,000,000 American children go hungry every day. Nope.

Gun violence? 20,726 gun deaths in 2021. Excluding thousands of suicides. Not today.

Health Insurance? In 2020, over 28,000,000 Americans did not have health insurance at some point during the year. Oops.

Voting rights? State after imposes new hurdles to stop black folks from casting a ballot. No big deal.

Nope. Those issues, while important to some, pale compared to the tough choices made by the Senate.

Time. What time is it? Time for a change. The issue bringing together Mark Rubio and Corey Booker is the issue of time. Is it 5 PM or 4 PM? Do we wake up at 5AM or 6AM? The greatest debating body in the world (as they like to call themselves) have finally decided to take to the floor and debate an issue of timeless importance.

Daylight Savings Time. How should we accept the challenge of time? Right now most Americans are forced to change there clocks twice a year. TWICE!! Outside of wearing a mask to prevent the spread of a deadly virus, can you think of a greater infringement on freedom? The outrage! The unmitigated gall !!

So. Led by the staunchest defender of the rights of men (not women) the Senate UNANIMOUSLY passed a law making time permanent. Little Marco Rubio charged forth and spoke about the tremendous benefits of DST. From his speech…..

““The benefits of Daylight Saving Time have also been accounted for in the research. For example, reduced crime as there’s light later in the day. We’ve seen decreases in child obesity. A decrease in seasonal depression that many feel during Standard Time. ……

“I’ve seen it with my own eyes. I’ve watched youth sporting events be called in the middle or near the end of the game, before it’s actually concluded, because there’s not enough lights. …”

The HORROR! Fat kids roaming around. Violence in the streets . Mental illness running rampant. (Nothing to do with poor quality school lunch programs or the easy availability of guns or lack of mental health facilities). These problems are all cause by STANDARD TIME!!! Marco has finally put to bed the myth that people may have problems because of poor government. Nope. It’s all about time.

All those kids who would prefer to be running around after school are instead forced to be in their basements on their computers because of standard time! If only we had known years ago we could have ended crime by simply setting the clocks up one hour!

I am reminded of a study that came out over 20 years ago suggesting that high schools should start later because kids need more sleep and don’t function well in the morning. My own faculty discussed it at the time and while a minority (me, of course) thought it made sense, the idea was quickly dumpstered by the administration. Not based on science. The reason was simple. If we started school and hour later it would cut into the after school sports programs. Education be damned, pass me the ball.

Of course, Little Marco was not alone in his excitement and vocalizations. Across the aisle members speechified about all the wonders of DST. Patty Murray, Dem of Washington state, pointed out that for one day the change over “disrupted” children’s sleeping patterns !! Disrupted sleeping patterns? Tell it to Ukrainian mothers.

And,of course, no debate would be complete without hearing from that proponent of freedom and fashion plate, Senator Sinema. You know, the one who opposes the voting rights of minorities and the Build Back Better bill. The female with the fashion flair . The conscience of white America. According to the NYTimes when the vote was passed, this senator was presiding over the chamber. She shouted “Yes!” and clenched her fists in VICTORY!! One small step for mother time…. one giant leap for …well, something.

So, the sun will rise and the sun will set. And the Senate has decided to decide to put a new number of that phenomenon. Perhaps someone should tell them that the laws of nature still decide the actual time of day. Or maybe not. Why not pass a law eliminating Mondays. We hate Mondays. Call Mondays something like “The Day Before Tuesday”. Sounds pretty good. OR.

Who knows, the Senate might decide to pass a law demanding that the Earth spin on its axis. Might even get Joe Manchin to go along. Maybe.