How Bout It?

In 2010 a Russian arms dealer named Viktor Bout was sentenced to 25 years in prison for his crime of attempting to sell arms to FARC, a terrorist group in Colombia. He had been arrested in a “sting” operation carried out by US DEA agents in Thailand. They pretended to be members of FARC and got assurances from Bout that he could supply anti-aircraft weapons and 5,000 AK-47s. He never delivered.

He was arrested and sent to the US for a trial. The rationale was that IF he had actually sold the weapons (he didn’t) Americans would have been killed by them. In Colombia. So, the US claimed jurisdiction . Russia, of course, protested and called it a political prosecution.

Bout was convicted by a jury based on the agents’ testimony. His sentence could have been life in prison. Anyone who sells weapons that are used to kill Americans face some of the harshest penalties. In fact, he was convicted on 4 counts. The judge, however, sentenced him to the bare minimum, 25 years in prison. The reason? She was critical of the “sting” operation And stated that if not for the sting he may not have committed any crime. (Note that Bout was a well-known arms dealer who had been delivering arms to rebel groups for years. No altar boy). He was nicknamed by US authorities as “The Merchant ofDeath”.

Which brings me around to American arms dealers.

Bout was convicted of planning to sell weapons used to kill Americans. In his case those weapons were never delivered or used to kill Americans  (these would be Americans fighting in Colombia). Still, a jury convicted him and he was sentenced.

Since the tragedy of 9/11 we have had 22 years of deaths by guns in the USA. Approximately 30-35,000 or more per year. Roughly 800,000 Americans were killed by guns. None were sold to them by Bout.

The guns used to kill Americans were sold by thousands of small gun store owners. They were sold on line. They were sold by Marty Daniel. Daniel is the CEO of Daniel Defense. They were sold by Christopher Killoy. Killoy is the CEO of Sturm, Ruger and Company. Merchants of Death.

Selling AR-15s and other weapons used to kill Americans. Every day . Gun sellers made over $1 billion in profits in the last 10 years just on assault weapons alone. Merchants of death.

Now Putin and the Russians want Viktor Bout back. Maybe it is time for him to return to Russia. Or,  perhaps we should send them Daniel and Killoy instead. After all, they have been much more effective in killing Americans than Bout could ever hope to be. Merchants of death.

How Bout it?

Doggystyle

Recently a Republican congressman named Jody Hice, from Georgia, was trying to make a point about personhood. He asked Fatima Gross , the CEO of the National Women’s LawCenter, whether a woman could give birth to a turtle.

He knew, of course, that a woman could not give birth to a turtle. He was trying to be clever in pointing out that any pregnancy in a woman always results in a “person'” being born.

Now, being a curious human being, I was led to do some of my own research. After all, real research must take into account all the information available to us on the interweb.

I could find no news stories of any woman ever giving birth to a Snapping Turtle or Loggerhead or Slider. Not even any reference to a Eastern Mud or a Pig-Nosed. Nada. So, we can put that possibility aside.

However, that does not mean that a woman necessarily ALWAYS gives birth to a human baby. Interweb research, the primary form of information now cited regularly by those on the right wing of the political spectrum, leads us down the path of true truth. And the truth must always be respected.

In the 17th century a “doctor” by the name of Paolo Zacchia reported the birth of a half human half dog baby. Evidently the canine /hominid hybrid was the result of a dalliance of the woman with her household pet. The “monstrosity” was an example of the awful result of such a union. Italian women were put on alert. Keep the family dog away from your pussy.

Of course, we must take with a grain of salt (or spoon of Alpo) any stories from the 17th century. There is really no way to verify. Luckily we have more recent cases of human – canine intimate interactions.

In 2017 a story emerged from South Africa. It was reported that Samantha Kedder had given birth to a litter of three puppies. Despite the fact that no DNA tests were done, the finger (or paw) was pointed at Jonsey. Jonsey was the family German Shepherd. And the puppies WERE German shepherds! Ms Kedder later admitted that she had frequent intercourse with Jonsey (we assume it was consensual). Evidently Jonsey had mastered the commands of “Down” and “Come” . Still working on “Roll Over”.

But, if you remain a skeptic, there are other examples. The well respected journal “The Atlantic” has reported a number of these multi-genus couplings.

From the World Weekly News we learned that Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton had a big fight over Hillary’s affair with a space alien. Bill had to resort to fisticuffs to defeat the alien, but not before he or it had coupled with the First Lady.

As any regular readers of the news source probably already know, another amorous affair ended with the birth of the famous “Bat Boy”. Found in a cave in West Virginia, the half-bat, half-human was front page news. Some confusion resulted which still remains a mystery to this day. Was the Bat Boy a product of a human (Joe Manchin?) impregnating a bat OR a bat (maybe Batman?) impregnating a female human? We may never know.

To the unbeliever, I give you more evidence. In July , 2016, in Nigeria , a woman gave birth to a half human half frog infant. Or maybe a half toad who can tell? The father was never identified since he had previously croaked.

Also in Nigeria (known as the home of princes) another strange birth took place. A woman who had been pregnant for three years finally gave birth….. to a dog. another example of man’s best friend being a little too friendly to man’s best wife. This happened in a church, so there can be no doubt of the veracity.

But there is more from Nigeria. Just a few months earlier in the same area, a woman gave birth to a goat. A goat! This took place at the Redeemed Chritian Church of God. A miracle? Or a case of Billy Goat Gruff running amok? It should be bleating obvious.

The lesson here is clear. Members of the gentler sex will screw anything that walks on all fours. No wonder they get cooties. Now , some might argue that these poor women were not responsible for these births. To that I say, “Ever hear of birth control”? Take responsibility. Be sure to take a doggy bag on those long walks with Fido.

Of course these women were not raped. Noted former congressman Tod Akin knows human biolgy. In 2012 he pointed out that a woman cannot get pregnant if raped. Her body does stuff to prevent that pregnancy. Along the same lines, another Republican candidate for Congress, Yesil Vega of Virginia made a similar claim. Because a rapist does it “quickly” it is very unlikely that rape will result in a pregnancy. Speed is the key. If a man ejaculates in a matter of seconds, pregnancy is impossible. Hmmm. Makes me wonder how I fathered 2 kids? I need a long talk with Betsy.

So any woman who claims she is pregnant, from man or beast, cannot claim rape. Impossible. Liars all. They wanted it.

Back to bestiality. Evidently the issue of human animal interactions of an intimate nature have long been a problem. That explains why the good book condemns such liaisons. Perhaps it is time for Congress to act. Finally, a platform that GOP politicians can run on. A national crisis. Perhaps outlawing “doggy style” activities.

Jody Hice, take notes.