Donald Trump is visiting Vladimir Putin this week. One on one. No one taking notes (except the KGB who will be recording every word). Some folks are critical of Trump for visiting one of the world’s worst dictators. A man who kills journalists and jails political opponents. Uses poisons to kill enemies. But, to be fair. It has been over a year now since Putin elected Trump. Time for a performance review.
I may be wrong, but I expect the interview will go something like this.
Putin: Welcome my brother. Have a seat.
Trump: Thank you, Mr Putin. So kind of you to see me in person.
Putin: Well. Time for your performance review. Let me take out my KGB checklist.
Trump: KGB? What does that stand for? Is it like the GOP?
Putin. Yes. It is almost exactly like the GOP. Except more honest. Now. item #1: Does the subject understand what his role is ? Answer: Yes. He is aware of who he works for.
Trump: Yes, sir. My role is president . I am the most powerful man on earth.I have many hotels and golf courses. I also have….
Putin (interrupting) Yes. Yes. Item #2: Has the subject sought to undermine western alliances? I would give you a big Y-E-S on that one, Donald. You have done a fine job of trying to destroy the European Union and NATO. Hate NATO. NATO has to go.
Trump: NATO has to go. NATO is bad. What is NATO? Is it a kind of soft drink, like Diet Cola? If it is Diet Cola then I say we keep it. If not, don’t keep it. That’s what people say. Also, did you know….
Putin (interrupting). Yes. Yes. Whatever. Onward to Item #3: Has the subject tried to destabilize international trade agreements? I give you an A- on that one. You have done a good job of destroying US exports by your trade war. Keep it up. Job well done.
Trump: Thank you, sir. I did my best. Did you like the way I claimed Canada had a trade surplus. WOW. That punk Trudeau did not know what to say. And how about those European tariffs. HA. Those smarty pants gay lovers really got burned . And another thing, I….
Putin (interrupting, and very testy). YES.. Yes already. (in Russian to his KGB comrades: Will this useful idiot ever shut up about himself?). One last item. #4: Has the subject perfected the BIG LIE technique? I would give you an A plus plus for that one. I used to think Stalin was the master of the BIG LIE, but you, my little Donald, have outdone them all. So many to choose from. Each one bigger than the previous.
Trump: I do my best. I think I am the best with words, don’t you. I use those words you gave me. I use them over and over. Words like: “Lock Her Up” and “Muslim” and “M13” and “communist Democrats” and “Sleep easy, North Korea has no more nukes” and….
Putin: (interrupting again): Yes. Well, comrade. You have used all the words I gave you. You did a good job. Just keep repeating all those words. I have a new list for you for this year. Better words. Just keep tweeting the words I give you.
Trump: Can I use my own words, sometimes? Maybe just once or twice? I know the best words.
Putin: Well….no…not a good idea. Just stick to words we give you. They are working with your base. Simple words. Meaningless words. Easy to remember words. Our new words will be: Mueller is fired. Mueller is a crook. Repeat Donald.
Trump: Mueller is…uh….what was it again?
Putin: Mueller is fired. Mueller is a crook. Repeat.
Trump: Mueller is on fire. Mueller wrote a book. Repeat Donald.
Putin: Oh god. Here. It is on paper. Can you read? Oh. Sorry. I forgot. We will send you a recording. Try to memorize.
Trump: Thank you sir. Did I pass? Did I get a good grade? I got a real good grade at Trump University.
Putin: Yes, Donald. You passed this year’s review. You may go now. Please. JUST GO.
Donald waddles out of the room.
Trump turns to the KGB agents behind the two way mirror. “I told you we should have picked Sarah Palin. At least she can remember her lines.”