Category Archives: Islam

Lugenpresse…Testing the Waters

At a Trump campaign rally in Ohio two of the Trump supporters called out to the journalist filming that rally that he was “lugenpresse”.  A term used by the Nazis to condemn any newspaper or journalist that did not toe the party line . Especially newspapers owned by Jews. The epithet aimed at any newspaper that criticized the Nazi Party. Or failed to bow down to the Fuhrer. “Lying press”.

On Sunday Kellyanne Conway did her weekly news “alternative fact” show, this time in an interview with Chris Wallace.  While not using the term, she echoed the sentiments of the “lugenpresse” when she wondered aloud why many members of the press had not been fired.  Why? For their coverage of Donald Trump.

She wondered why these members of the press were not dismissed by their bosses. Why they continued to appear on talk shows and give their opinions. Why are they not being silenced?

One of the first things the Nazis did when they gained control of Germany was to intimidate and suppress the free press. I say “gained control” because the Nazis never won the popular vote in a free election. They were always a minority party. Hitler was able to get only 32% of the vote for president in the last free election in Germany, with massive support from the rural  areas.

Once the Nazis did gain power they were quick to use it to suppress any opposition. Key to that was the free press. Communist newspapers. Jewish-owned newspapers. Independent newspapers were quickly brought under the control of the new regime. By intimidation.

The “lugenpresse” were any newspapers or journalists who dared contradict the Nazi facts. The Nazi “alternative facts”. Control of the media was seen as crucial to ultimate control of the nation.The opposition, no  matter how slight, must be silenced. Real news must not be reported. Facts must not be reported. An “alternative ” reality must be established with Goebbels deciding what is acceptable. The idea that the press must be the mouthpiece of the government  was the goal. And , for the most part, it was.

Kellyanne Conway and Steve Bannon are testing the waters. Attacking the press. Calling for the removal of those who dare criticize. Calling for a ban on people of the Muslim faith based on an idea that Muslims are all terrorists and all alike. Mr Trump calling into question the actual photographic evidence of the crowd size at his inauguration.  An attempt to bully the leader of Mexico into paying for a wall that Trump wants to build.  The first “press conference” with Sean Spicer, Mr Trump’s spokesman, was an attack on the press. And the attack ended with Spicer walking off refusing to answer questions. The message was clear. We will control the press. We cannot allow any contradictions or criticisms.

An all out attack on the facts, evidence and common sense. An “alternative” reality compete with “alternative  facts”

They are testing the waters to see how far they can go. Can they bully the press into silence? Can they bully our neighbor into compliance? Can they bully the American people into subservience? Can they bully the GOP controlled Congress into silence?

I think not. (Well, maybe they CAN bully Congress). The USA in 2017 is not Germany in 1933. The US citizens in 2017 are not going to sit back while Muslims are treated harshly and Mexicans are stereotyped and the free press is under attack. And the press is not going to roll over to an alternative reality.

The Trump folks are testing the waters to see how far they can go. Those waters will get hot very quickly.

(Note: The most thorough set of books on the Nazi rise to power is the trilogy by Richard J Evans. The Coming of the Third Reich, The Third Reich in Power and The Third Reich at War)

1 Comment

Filed under Congress, government, immigrants, Islam, Judaism, Neoconservative, news, Politics, POTUS, president, Republicans, Senate, swastika, Trump, United States

Keep America(ns) Safe

Keep America Safe.

Protect us from the  (fill in the blank)… Muslims…Mexicans…terrorists…refugees…Syrians…

But never fill in the blank with “Other Americans”.

We hear this from candidates all the time. America is a dangerous place…for some. But not from Muslim terrorists or jihadists. The biggest threat to human life comes from our  fellow citizens. With guns. All kinds of guns. Easily obtained.

Forget about the few “mass killings” At churches . Or schools. They are simply a spike in the graph. The every day, under reported killing of people in the USA is the biggest tragedy not covered by the media. Or candidates.

Keep America Safe.

For some reason keeping Americans safe from other Americans is a very low priority, especially for the two GOP candidates. I give you Matthew 7:3 ” Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye but ignore the log in your own?”. It is easier to point the finger at “the other” than admit to our own societal  and governmental failures.

Fact: On 9/11 a small group of  Muslim extremists, mostly from Saudi Arabia, flew planes into building that killed almost 3,000 Americans. The US government retaliated with a massive attack on Afghanistan and later Iraq. Americans wanted revenge and wanted to make sure that we would be safe. Keep America Safe became the mantra. Ever since then our legal institutions and domestic priorities  have taken second place to our military desires. Keep America Safe. 3,000 innocents killed.

Fact: Since 2002 over 200,000 American citizens have been murdered. (Not including suicides or accidents, which almost doubles the figures) Not by Muslim terrorists. Not by ISIS. Not by hordes of Mexicans or Guatemalans.  By fellow citizens. By other Americans with guns. 200,000 citizens murdered. . And this is not seen as a crisis worth talking about. By any of the candidates.

Fact: Since 2002 over 17,000,000 Americans have been victims of violent crimes. Murders, assaults, rapes. 17,000,000 Americans . That is  MORE THAN the entire population of Wyoming, Vermont, Alaska, North Dakota, South Dakota, Delaware, Montana, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Maine, Hawaii, Idaho, West Virginia and Nebraska COMBINED. 17,000,000. And not a peep from the candidates.

Source:  http://www.disastercenter.com/crime/uscrime.htm

Not worth mentioning.

These Keep America Safe politicians don’t seem to equate America with Americans. To them “America” is simply a land mass with a border, not millions of people. A geographic entity. Uninhabited? Children living in inner cities? Not Americans. The homeless? Not Americans. Battered spouses? Not Americans.

Perhaps someday a moderator in one of the debates will ask these candidates why they outline no plans to keep “Americans” safe. Wouldn’t that be a good question to ask?

———————————–

Related information from the websites of the 4 major candidates. The 2 Democrats do touch on the issue of gun violence. The GOP candidates simply ignore it.

The Ted Cruz website (https://www.tedcruz.org/issues/) talks about defending our borders. and securing the borders. He wants to install a missile system on the borders of Russia and wage war on..well, just about everybody. (http://www.ontheissues.org/2016/Ted_Cruz_War_+_Peace.htm )

The Donald Trump website (https://www.donaldjtrump.com/positions ) talks about building a wall to keep out Mexicans.  And he wants 30,000 US troops to defeat ISIS. (http://www.cnn.com/2016/03/11/politics/donald-trump-30000-troops-isis/ )

Hillary Clinton is a little more nuanced in her views of keeping America safe. She wants a combination of military, economic and political actions.  War as a resort. But not the first resort. (https://www.hillaryclinton.com/issues/national-security/). And she has some specifics regarding  domestic gun violence. (https://www.hillaryclinton.com/issues/gun-violence-prevention/)

Bernie Sanders seems to agree with President Obama’s current policies on ISIS and terror, in general. ( http://feelthebern.org/bernie-sanders-on-isis/ )       Sanders stand on gun control is a little more complicated. He is for it, but does not go as far as Clinton. (http://feelthebern.org/bernie-sanders-on-gun-policy/ )

6 Comments

Filed under Bernie Sanders, candidate, Clinton, Congress, crime, Cruz, debates, Democrat, Elections, Foreign policy, GOP, government, gun control, Hillary, immigrants, Islam, NRA, Politics, POTUS, president, Republicans, Society, Terror, Trump, violence

A Modern Christmas Story

The line of ragged refugees trying to gain entry into the US winds around the corner. Men in robes and tattered clothes. Women wearing veils and hijabs. Little , wide -eyed children peering out from behind their mothers’ flowing dresses.

The Border Control agent barks .”Next”

A young bearded man, with wife and baby crouching behind, slowly approaches.

“Name”?

“Yusef”

The agent is filling in a form.

“Where are you coming from?”

“The Middle East. We have had to leave our home.”

Agent:” Why did you leave?”

Yusef: “They are killing us. The new government has taken our property and demands that we give up our homes and possessions. We fled from the violence. If we go back they will kill us. Don’t send us back”

Agent: “Do you have any documents?”

Yusef:”No. We had to flee quickly. We left everything behind except what we carry.”

Agent, writing : “How did you pay for the airline tickets?”

Yusef: “We had a little gold, but that is now gone.”

Agent:”How do you intend to support yourself? Do you have any skills?”

Yusef: “I  worked in construction. I can build  things. I work with tools.”

Agent: “I see you wife is wearing a hijab. Are you Muslims?”

Yusef: ” Oh, no. She is just wearing the traditional veil. It means nothing.”

Agent: “Are you Christians? Do you  follow Christ?”

Yusef, looking  confused: ” No. We are simply refugees fleeing for our lives. Please help us.”

Agent, writing down something and looking concerned. “What is in those two boxes?”

Yusef: “Just some perfume and some medicines. It is all we have.”

The agent calls over some security who take the boxes and disappear into another room. “Sorry, those boxes will have to be destroyed. They had some odd looking substances in them.”

The agent looks at the young refugee family , down at his forms, and back up again. “You have no papers. You have no means of support. You CLAIM not to be Muslims, but you sure LOOK  like Muslims to me. You brought in some strange packages. And you claim your life is in danger but offer no  proof. ” He then takes out a big red stamp and loudly stamps the documents, hands them back to the young man and points him to the exit door.

“We will be putting you and your wife and child on the next plane back to the Middle East. Good luck. And Merry Christmas.”

The young man looks down at the document. The big red letters of the stamp are bold: ENTRY DENIED.

They cover the names of the applicants.

Yusef the Carpenter, wife Mary and baby Jesus.

 

 

 

18 Comments

Filed under Christianity, Christmas, government, immigrants, Immigration, Islam, Judaism, Politics, Religion, Society, Terror, United States, US

Desperately Seeking Muslims

Donald Trump continues to be a real treasure trove of ignorance.  I know, I know. What am I talking about ? So much to choose from.

Well, I am referring to his latest..wait, what time is it…his latest comments about banning Muslims.  All Muslims. That will make America safe. Again. Or great again. Or whatever. You know.

So, the next obvious step in the Trump Plan is the HOW to do it? The Donald is always a little close-to-the-vest when it comes to details. (Remember Nixon’s “secret plan” to end the Vietnam War. Ooops) His latest escapade into the unknown is no exception.

So, let’s get practical. How do we identify a “Muslim”. Especially a “Muslim terrorist” which is, after all, the reason for the ban. To keep “Muslim terrorists” out of the US. Now that, in itself, is not a bad idea. After all, we have plenty of “Christian terrorists” already. Who needs the competition? The fewer terrorists the better , I always say.

The problem is simple: What does a “Muslim” look like? In order to ban them, we need to see them first. Seek them out. So, what do we look for?

Well, we know that he could look like a Pakistani or a Turk or a Nigerian or a Russian or an Egyptian or a Chinese (23,000,000 Chinese Muslims) or a Saudi or an Englishmen or an Uzbeki or an Indonesian or an American or a Brazilian…well, you get the idea. Muslims are from every ethnic group and live in every nation on earth. Every one! Nope. I lied. There is one nation that has no Muslim citizens. Vatican City. So, Pope Francis can glide through customs without a body cavity search.

So, I guess just looking won’t work too well. So, let’s ask!

Everyone who enters the US should be asked a simple question: Are you now or do you ever intend to be a Muslim terrorist. If they answer “Yes”. GOT EM. Another victory for The Donald. Unless, of course, a Muslim “terrorist” is smart enough to figure out that he should answer :”No, sir, I am not. And by the way. god bless America !”

So, Donald. We need a few more details. Keeping terrorists out of the US is a unique and fascinating idea. Something no one ever thought of before. But now we need to see the details.

How do you identify a Muslim? How do you identify a”Muslim terrorist”?

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muslim_world

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Islam_by_country

 

1 Comment

Filed under Islam, Politics, Republicans, Terror

Barry Destroys the GOP

The modern GOP has become a front for radicalism and the religious right. It  has been criticized  by the guy they refer to affectionately as “Barry”.  He destroys them. Here are some of the things he has said.

  • “When you say “radical right” today, I think of these moneymaking ventures by fellows like Pat Robertson and others who are trying to take the Republican Party away from the Republican Party, and make a religious organization out of it. If that ever happens, kiss politics goodbye.”
  • “The big thing is to make this country, along with every other country in the world with a few exceptions, quit discriminating against people just because they’re gay. You don’t have to agree with it, but they have a constitutional right to be gay.”
  • “… why the hell shouldn’t they (gays) serve? They’re American citizens. As long as they’re not doing things that are harmful to anyone else… So I came out for it. ” (Washington Post Interview)

 

“On religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any powerful weapon, the use of God’s name on one’s behalf should be used sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both.
I’m frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in “A,” “B,” “C” and “D.” Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?
And I am even more angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans in the name of “conservatism.””(Senate Speech)

And, my personal favorite:

“Mark my word, if and when these preachers get control of the [Republican] party, and they’re sure trying to do so, it’s going to be a terrible damn problem. Frankly, these people frighten me. Politics and governing demand compromise. But these Christians believe they are acting in the name of God, so they can’t and won’t compromise. I know, I’ve tried to deal with them.” (Personal communication with John Dean).

So, there it is. Barry condemns today’s GOP. He condemns the anti-gay religious fanatics. Not surprising, you say? After all, Barry Obama is a socialist/communist/liberal.

Except all of the above quotes are not from “Barry” Obama. They are from the man who was once called “The Conscience” of the Conservatives.

Barry Goldwater, GOP candidate for president and Senator from Arizona.

Leave a comment

Filed under Christianity, Conservatives, GOP, homosexual, Islam, Judaism, neoconservatives, obama, Politics, Radicals, Religion, Republicans, tea party

Contestant #4: Rubio…Less Than Meets the Eye.

(This is the fourth in a series of biased reports about the people who think they are qualified to be president. Really. They do. They think they should be the most powerful human being on earth. Really.)

I somehow missed it. On April 13 Marco Rubio evidently announced that he wanted to be President of the US. I missed it.

I had a little trouble finding his campaign website but I finally did. (marcorubio.com).

In announcing his candidacy he emphasized that he was a break with the old way of politics . A new beginning. A new way. Oh, I almost forgot. He announced his candidacy to his wealthy donors before he told the rest of us. A new way?

I checked his Senate website looking for specific legislation he has sponsored and/or passed. None mentioned. (rubio.senate.gov)

His campaign website has 5 issues. Each has a nice picture and the usual Obama-is-bad statements. I think someone should tell Marco that Obama will not be running again.

His 5 issues: Isis, Cuba, Iran, Abortion,Israel.

Nothing on health care. Nothing on unemployment.  Nothing on job creation. Nothing on immigration. Nothing on gun violence. To look at his website you would think he is running for Secretary of State….hmmm.

On ISIS he says we should kill them. He says we cannot “ignore” the problem. Yet, he has proposed no legislation authorizing the POTUS to do so. He does sit on the foreign relations committee, so he could write a bill.  But killing ISIS is a good idea. Obama should have thought of that.

On Cuba he says that Cuba is an exporter of terror and we should not have relations with dictatorships. Isolate dictatorships. An interesting principle. But he makes no comments about our China policy. He wants to keep Cuba isolated because it is a “communist” dictatorship. Maybe China is a nice communist dictatorship?  Did I mention he rejects the policies of the past and looks to the future?

On Iran he says we should isolate them as well. We should do what Netanyahu tells us to do. Does Rubio really think that the US can unilaterally decide world arms policies? And why should we look to Israel to determine our foreign policy?

On Israel he is clear. Obama  (there he is again) has “failed to stand with Israel”. But a quick check of military aid to Israel shows that under Obama the US has given much more aid than under Bush. More, in fact, than any other administration. Giving more aid and making it clear that we will support Israel in any attack is somehow “failing to stand” with Israel?  (http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/US-Israel/U.S._Assistance_to_Israel1.html)

The only domestic issue he chooses to include on his website deals with abortion. He is unequivocal. Roe v Wade, which guarantees a woman the right to an abortion, is “morally wrong” and should be overturned. He does not elaborate .

In some of his speeches Rubio has called for more tax breaks to create jobs. (Reaganomics) He has denied the science of climate change. Wants to go back to a time when all abortions were illegal. He was for immigration reform or not. Opposes any gun restrictions. Wants to isolate Cuba. Did I mention that he wants to look to the future and rejects the policies of the past?

His main claim seems to be that he is young. He emphasizes his youth as though it is somehow a qualification in and of itself.

In the political boxing ring Rubio is not a lightweight. He is a featherweight. Old wine in new skins. A blast from the past.

Much, much less than meets the eye.

Leave a comment

Filed under candidate, Clinton, Congress, Conservatives, Elections, foreign aid, Foreign policy, GOP, government, gun control, Hilllary, Immigration, Islam, Israel, obama, Rubio

Gaydar Sale… Finally A way to Know For Sure

Hi. This is Ron Popeil for Ronco. The makers of the Ronco Potato Peeler and Car Sponge. Here to help you once again with a household problem. Now that Indiana has become the 21st state to make Gay hate legal there is a real need for discovering who really is gay. Can you tell by the way they walk? Sometimes. Can you tell by the way they talk ? Maybe. But in today’s world so many gays look and talk and act like normal people…how can you REALLY know.

If your restaurant does not want to serve gays, how can you be sure that burly muscle man is not a secret gay?? He may not be lisping, but is he eyeing your manhood from behind those bifocals? And how can you know if that “birthday cake” you are baking for that 5 year old might be going to house where her lesbian aunt might show up and have a slice ? Well, you don’t know. And you didn’t bake that cake for gay taste buds to enjoy !
Gone are the days in Germany where gays were forced too wear pink triangles. And Jews had to wear the Star of David. Life was simpler then. The good old days.
But Ronco solves your gay problems. With the new Ronco Gaydar. The Gaydar exposes gays, even those not out of the closet. For only $ 19.95 (plus a small shipping and handling fee) Gaydar takes the worry out of bigotry. Never again have a doubt about that customer. Or strange “Uncle John”. Gaydar takes the worry out of homo identification. Be sure too bring it to “Meet the Teacher Night” at school.

How does Gaydar work? Sorry, I can’t reveal the impressive technology. But here’s all you need to do. Point your Gaydar pistol (Yes, it is shaped like a German Lugar so no one will even know it is a Gaydar) at any person and pull the trigger. Gaydar shoots out a specially developed “gay-detecting formula” that registers on your Gay detector. Just check the Rainbow Detector. The farther to the left, the gayer the guy…or gal. Easy to use. Even a child cn use it. Let the little ones start early!

But does Gaydar really work? Some very famous people seem to think so.

Michelle Bachmann says “WOW, what a surprise. Just for fun I pointed the Gaydar at my hubby. WHOA. I sure never would have guessed.”
Adolf Eichmann the third (grandson of Adolf Eichmann) says “” Grandpa would have loved this . It would have made is life’s work so much easier. He would have killed for a machine like this”
Ted Cruz says” I took it to the Senate. Just as I figured on the liberal side of the aisle. A perfect score. Tested everyone but Lindsey Graham. He disappeared.”
Ben Carson: “As a highly educated doctor I can tell you that this device really works. I went inside the State Penitentiary during visiting hours and WHAMMO. This baby went off like fireworks on the 4th of July. Even some of the guards were “infected.”

Don’t wait. Don’t let “those people” into your public accommodation. Only $19.95 (plus shipping and handling) and you and your family can be gay-proofed forever.

But there’s MORE. Act now and Ronco will throw in JEWDAR absolutely free. Works just like Gaydar but for Jews. Instead of a Rainbow dial the Jewdar has a Star of David that lights up like a Hanukkah candle any time a Jew is detected. Tested at the Wailing Wall. It WORKS! I know. You are thinking. JEWS. Aren’t they all lawyers? Won’t they sue me? NO. Remember, the religious freedom laws do not demand that you justify your bigotry by belonging to any organized religion. You can just be a stand up, stand alone bigot and the law protects you. The law says you don’t even have to practice any religion at all !

That’s right. Gaydar and Jewdar BOTH for only $ 19.95. But wait. There’s more ! Order now and you will get Gaydar, Junior. Just for kids. This handy little Gaydar miniature gun will allow your child to tell which of his classmates has gay tendencies. A lot of power in a tiny package. Start your loved one early in detecting deviants. Feel secure that none of “those kinds” of kids are accidentally invited to junior’s birthday party.

That’s Gaydar, Jewdar and Gaydar,Junior. All for only $ 19.95. But wait, there’s MORE. Yes, the first 100 callers will also get ObamaDar.

Is that guy REALLY white or is he “passing”? Is that a good tan she worked on or was her grandmother’s mother a darky ? Not sure whether or not your child’s classmate is a “mix” of races, part Negro? ObamaDar will give you the answer. Comes with an easy to read Black or White dial. No shades of gray on this dial ! Act now. Call 1800-BIGOTRY.

Only available by phone or at a Bigots-R-US near you. Gaydar. Don’t take a shower in a public place without it!

Leave a comment

Filed under blacks, Christianity, gay rights, government, homosexual, Islam, Israel, Judaism, Mormon, Neoconservative, obama, Politics, Religion, Republicans, Senate, Society

Hillary’s Hidden Emails

Much has been made of Hillary Clinton’s emails. I, myself , cannot think of a single reason why the Secretary of State would keep these private. It’s not like she ever communicates on any sensitive matters with foreign governments. Or might have personal thoughts.
Using my expertise in computer hacking I was able to locate and save a handful of Secretary Clinton’s deleted emails. I don’t know what the GOP expected to find, but WOW, these are radioactive! Remember, you read them here first, before they made it to the Drudge Report or Fox News!

Fr: HilClin to: Bubba
Bill. I am going to be late for dinner again. Please don’t order another take out from Gary’s Greaseburger. You know it makes you fart all night. On second thought, just pull out the sleep sofa. I almost forgot, some girl named Monica called again.

Fr: HilClin to: Barack1
Mr Prez. I ordered your good friend , the ambassador , to be killed by the Muslim Brotherhood in Benghazi as you requested. I still don’t see your end game in all this. Anyway, I am sure the dopes in the GOP will never figure out that I am a secret Muslim myself. ALLAH AKBAR

fr: HilClin to: ChelseaGirl
Be honest. Did that dress make me look fat? Too much cleavage? Not enough? Because Michelle1 was looking at me like “What’s that all about”. Sometimes I hate that b…. b….. Also, no, I cannot babysit next week. I am going to be busy deleting emails. LOL

Fr: HilClin to: StarrLoser
Hiya Ken. Just another email to RUB IT IN. You never could pin that Vince Foster caper on me, could you? And you KNOW I procured whores for Bubba all the time but you couldn’t prove that either. And Whitewater? LOSER ! NYA NYA

Fr: HilClin to: ISIS
Keep up the good work, fellas. I hate America just like you do. Off with their heads. ( I’d love to send you Bonehead Boehner LOL just kidding… he is the best thing I have going for me)

Fr: HilClin to: Sideshow Sarah
You go girlfriend. Keep saying those stupid things to make people think the entire GOP is a bunch of morons. So glad JohnMcOLD picked you. See you on the next moose hunt. Go girl! BFF

Fr: HilClin to: Wall Street
Open those wallets boys, I’m a coming soon. You KNOW no one can beat me. So you better join me. Get in on the ground floor !

Fr: HilClin to: ElizaWarren
Don’t even think about it. Really. Don’t think about it. I leave you with two words: Vince Foster. Don’t even think about it.

Fr: HilClin to: Email Server
When I delete these emails I should back up FIRST, right?

The cat is out of the bag. The jig is up. The GOP finally has the evidence they need to get Hillary.
Next step: Representative Gowdy is planning to subpoena Malia’s Iphone. Hey, you never know!

5 Comments

Filed under Congress, Foreign policy, government, Islam, obama, Politics, Republicans, Senate, tea party

Almost All Praise to Allah

Scene: Lots and lots of fluffy clouds. A big, pearly gate. Sitting outside the gate at a folding table is a figure with a long , white beard.
Enter from the left a grungy, dark-skinned hobbling figure. Smiling and excited.

Bearded figure (with thick Brooklyn Jewish accent): Oy. So, who are you? Vat do you vant?
Dark -skinned figure: All praise to Allah. I am your humble servant, Amedy Coulibaly. I have come for my reward.
Bearded figure: Allah shmallah. I am who am. You can call me Yahweh. So, let’s see if you are on my list.
Coulibaly: But isn’t this paradise? The heavenly garden of delights?
Yahweh: Yah, yah. Some paradise. We had to lay off staff. So now I have to work the third shift every other week. And my bursitis is acting up. Look. I think you want to see Allah. right?
Coulibaly: Yes. Allah the all-powerful. The all-knowing. The master of all things.
Yahweh. Right. Whatever. Look. Allah works the third shift this week. You’re gonna have to wait over there with the other Muslims and Christians. I only handle the Chosen People. No goyim. Ever since Zeus retired it’s been a madhouse up here. When will you people stop reproducing, already ?
Coulibaly: All praise to Allah. I shall wait.
6 hours later. Shift change.
Coulibaly: All praise to Allah. I am your humble servant, Amedy Coulibaly. I have killed infidels in your name and in your honor. I have come for the rewards of paradise.
Bearded figure at table: Coulibaly. …Coulibaly…Nope, not on the list. Were you a Protestant or a Catholic?
Coulibaly: Neither, most holy one. I am of the Seal of the Prophet. The completion of the Holy Scripture. I am ISIS and /or al-qaeda, take your pick.
Bearded figure: Well, my son, I am Jesus. Jew turned Christian. I don’t think I can help you, but let me check my records just to be sure. You said ISIS? Is that the name of your congregation?
Coulibaly: Yes, Jesus. It is my true calling, to die for Allah and ISIS. And so enjoy the fruits of the heavenly garden of delights.
Jesus: Right…heavenly delights…OK, let me check my list of organizations…Baptist…no..Congregationalist…no…Not Catholic. OK…Presbyterian…First Church of the Second Church of the Holy Redeemer….OH, WAIT. What’s this ?…MARY! Mary Magdalene…get Lucifer on the hot line.
(A woman in very short robes and plenty of cleavage showing sashays over with a phone.)
Jesus: (to Coulibaly) She can’t type, but, what the heck, this is heaven, right? (On the phone)..Hey Beelzebub, wassa up dog ?…We have a problem…I’ll send the sheet down….No, it was just a mix up…OK , add this to your list “Westboro Baptist Church membership rolls”…I know they are….No, we don’t want them either. …You know in your heart they belong to you…OK OK, send up Jack the Ripper as a tradeoff…keep warm, Bub.
Jesus: Look, Amedy. I would like to help you but your gonna have to wait for the next shift. That is when Big Al takes over. Allah to you.
(8 hours later)
Coulibaly: Finally, All praise to Allah. I am Amedy Coulibaly.
Allah (also an old guy with a beard): I know who you are. What do you want?
Coulibaly: I have come to claim my reward in paradise. I have destroyed infidels in your name. I have killed a policeman. I have taken hostages and killed them in cold blood. Praise be to Allah.
Allah: What are you? Nuts? Why would you kill people I have created? Innocent people. With families. Minding their own business. What were they doing to you?
Coulibaly: They were infidels. All praise to Allah. Death to infidels. I deserve a reward.
Allah: You know. You people with your crazy ideas and guns and infidels and terrorism. You are giving me a bad name. You want to kill civilians, fine. But don’t try to lay that shit on me. Don’t try to pull that “Inquisition” nonsense like the Christians did to Jesus. Couldn’t you just chill and enjoy life?
Coulibaly: No. I was promised a reward. Entrance into paradise. Eternal heaven with 72 virgins.
Allah: Oh, Jesus! Not the virgin thing again. If you weren’t such a tightass you might get laid on Earth. Look. There are no virgins. At least not in Heaven. Unless you count Mother Theresa, but she had to buy her way in. You people need to learn to read.
Coulibaly: No virgins? No reward?
Allah: Oh, there is a reward, okay. Here, in this bowl. 72 white grapes. The Aramaic word for white grapes: hur. That is the word for grapes. Some idiot mistranslated it to mean “virgins” a long time ago and it stuck. So, here we are in paradise. Lots of fruit. Lots of grapes. A few bananas. A mango or two. But virgins ? No. All these girls went to college. Sorry.
Coulibaly: So, it was all for nothing? The hatred. The murder. The blind obedience to authority. All for nothing?
Allah: Take heart. It could be worse. See that group over there painting campaign posters and writing speeches. Their idea of paradise is to campaign for President of Heaven for all eternity with never a chance of winning.
Coulibaly: Are they heathens? Romans? Jews? Idiots?
Allah: Mormons.

Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2004/08/04/opinion/martyrs-virgins-and-grapes.html

Leave a comment

Filed under Christianity, Foreign policy, Islam, Judaism, Religion, Terror