What’s In a Name

I admit I did not know that the US had at least 10 military bases dedicated to traitors. 10 bases paid for by taxpayers of the USA dedicated to men who fought to destroy the USA. Learn something new every day.

Part 1. The list of LOSERS:

Beauregard … he was a Confederate leader who, after the war called for equal rights for blacks. That made him unique among the former Confederates honored by forts.

Benning… he wrote a speech explaining that the reason for the secession was to preserve slavery.

Bragg… known as the worst commander on either side of the war.

Gordon… known as one of the probable founders of the KKK in Georgia.

AP Hill… suffered from VD. Demanded to be buried standing up.

Hood… spoke about the “invincibility ” of the Confederate military.

Lee… opposed giving blacks the vote after the war.

Pickett.. his charge into union lines goes down as one of the stupidest military maneuvers in US history. A charge he watched from the safety of the rear.

Polk… an ordained bishop. Injured when the massive cannon named after his wife “Lady Polk” exploded when tested.

Rucker… only major commander who managed to get captured by the enemy.

Part 2. Mr Trump objects to renaming these forts after loyal American generals and soldiers. Men and women who fought in WW2, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan. Plenty of American soldiers who covered themselves with honor fighting for the USA, not against it.

Since Mr Trump seems enamored of America’s enemies who we have defeated over the years, I suggest we rename some of the other forts to honor those who fought against the ideas of freedom for all.

Some suggestions.

Rename West Point (NY) to Fort Benedict Arnold.

Rename Fort Grant (AZ) to Fort Adolph Hitler.

Rename Fort Nathan Hale (CT) to Fort Himmler.

Rename Fort Sherman (ID) to Fort Ho Chi Minh.

Rename Fort Sheridan (IL) to Fort Putin.

Rename Fort Defiance (KS) to Fort Saddam Hussein.

Rename Fort Sullivan (ME) to Fort bin Laden.

Rename Fort McHenry (MD) to Fort Goebbels.

Rename Fort Revere (MA) to Fort Kim Jung Un

And, of course, Rename Fort Washington (NH) to Fort Donald J Trump

The 3/5 Solution

Once again we see the shock and horror that a black man has been murdered in broad daylight by someone legally hired and empowered by the state. YAWN.

Once again we hear the calls for peace and tranquility. Calls for “law and order”. Calls for patience . The questioning of “How did we come to this?” YAWN

The US did not “come to this”. This is who we are. As a nation. Our holy and worshiped founding fathers made it clear in the Constitution. Black men and women are 3/5th of a person. It was true then, it is true now.

Article 1, section 2 … Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons. 

Of course “all other persons” were the slaves. So the southern states could claim the black men, women and children were property. And then claim that those very same men , women and children must be counted as 3/5 of a person for purposes of representation in the House of Representatives.

So, at the outset of the Civil War almost 4,000,000 slaves added 2,400,000 “persons” to the total population of the slave states. Giving the slave states representation in Congress far beyond the actual number of “citizens”.

From day one black people in the United States have been considered less than “full” people. And that is the bare truth of the foundations of this nation. Like it or not.

So, when the KKK brutalized black Americans after the racists lost the Civil War, it should come as no surprise. And when Jim Crow kept blacks from getting uppity in the south, that should come as no surprise. And when black soldiers returning from WW2 were refused service at restaurants and denied the right to vote, that should come as no surprise.

What should be surprising is the strength of the myth. The myth that the US was founded on principles of freedom, democracy, blah,blah,blah. That has never been and never was the reality. It was and is “fake news”.

Now, you may say, but what about the Voting Rights Act and other Civil Rights acts? Don’t they show progress? To that I respond thusly.

If the US was founded and grew on principles of equality, why was there a need for a Voting Rights Act? Or special Civil Rights acts? Why did we need special laws for black men and women just to try to give them the same rights the rest of society enjoys? In the “land of the free” why was it necessary to write special laws giving “freedom” to citizens who should have already had it?

And, as we have seen, the Supreme Court has overturned even those laws. Since the Voting Rights Act was rescinded how many states immediately took steps to suppress and deny votes to black citizens? How many blacks were purged illegally from the voting rolls in Florida in 2000, giving the election to GW Bush? How many were purged in North Carolina and Georgia in 2016?

But the myth lives on. It is a nice myth. A comfortable myth. A myth that tries to place the suppression and murder of black Americans in a certain context. That context is this: The murder and suppression of blacks in the US is an aberration. A blip on the screen of democracy. A pimple on the otherwise perfect face of equality.

I disagree. Racism has been at the core of the American experience. The very core of the legal system. It is as old as the US Constitution and may never be erased. Racism is as American as violence. Both go hand in hand.

It is not just the south. In the north as well racism is a core value. Highways were built around cities effectively cutting off black neighborhoods from white ones. The attempt at segregation was halted by the practices of the banking industry. Schools in NY, for example, are among the most highly segregated in the nation.

So, let’s stop pretending. The 3/5 solution is still with us. Black men and women are not valued unless they can sing or bounce a basketball. Racism is not a southern phenomenon or an aberration. It is what America was founded on.

Is there a “solution”? There can be no solution when those in power do not see a problem. Or identify the problem as a “black” problem. Just another example of “uppity” Negroes not knowing their place. It has always been thus in America and I suspect may always be so.

I know if I were a black person in America I would go nowhere without being armed. I would suspect every police officer of being a potential killer. I would shoot first and ask questions later. I would know, not just claim, that my life is in danger every day. In fact, I remain amazed at the patience and willingness of most black Americans to work “within the system” when the system is so obviously corrupt. I would not have that patience.

Is there a “solution’? Not until we confront and destroy the myth. The myth of the “founding fathers” and the myth of “democracy” and the myth of “equal justice under the law”.

People die easy. A bullet . A knee to the neck. A chokehold. Myths are not so easy to kill. The 3/5 solution is on display every day.

The Absence of Evidence

Chris Wallace, of Fox News, interviewed Senator Kennedy of Louisiana during his Sunday morning talk show. Wallace was very specific. He pointed out that the entire Intelligence apparatus of the US government concluded that Russia interfered in the 2016 election. And Ukraine did  not.

He pointed out that any Ukrainian interference claims had been debunked. He was clear.

Kennedy responded that he did not know. He said it COULD have been Ukrainians, but no one knows. Could have been.

When Wallace pointed out that there was NO EVIDENCE to support that claim, Kennedy responded (trying to be clever, I think), the the “absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence”. Just because there is no evidence a crime has been committed does  not mean a crime has NOT been committed. Just because there is no evidence that Ukraine interfered in the 2016 election does not mean Ukraine did NOT interfere in the 2016 election.

Now, it is hard. No, It take that back. It is IMPOSSIBLE to argue with that line of reasoning. What isn’t there isn’t there but that doesn’t mean it might not  be there.

Senator Kennedy got me thinking. Always a dangerous situation. So, let’s take a look back at other moments in history and revisit them.

The Holocaust. No one, well, there are a few, claims the Holocaust did not occur. But did it? Some people say it didn’t. And even  if it did occur, who was behind it? There is evidence that the Nazis and other Germans were responsible. But could it have been someone else?

In the 1930s there was a tribe in Kenya called the “Kikuyu”. Never did the Kikuyu issue a statement of support for Jews. NEVER. We know that in later years the Kikuyu rose up and fought the British who had colonized Kenya. It was called the “Mau Mau” uprising. Is it possible that the Kikuyu were anti-Semitic? There is no evidence contradicting that idea. So, it is POSSIBLE that the Kikuyu, not the Nazis, were actually responsible for the death camps. They hated whites. Jews are white. The Kikuyu were violent. The camps were violent. The “absence of evidence ” should not stop us from pointing out the obvious: The Kikuyu COULD have run the death camps.

The US Civil War. From 1861-1865 the US was engaged in a great civil war. No one denies that fact. But who was really responsible and why was it fought? There are a few ideas and some that have supporting evidence. Was it to protect the institution of slavery? Evidence for that. Was it to break up the union? Evidence of that. Was it to maintain states rights? Evidence of that.

However, is there something else at play? Perhaps. Keep in mind, I have NO EVIDENCE that the following happened. Nevertheless. Follow me.

Baseball was just becoming popular in the 1860s. A few teams were starting up, playing teams from other towns. But how could baseball grow into a national past time? The baseball team owners needed a war. This would divide the nation and make people more loyal to their own towns, hence their own teams. (Even today, some misguided fools support the Detroit Tigers!)

So, the team owners got together and hired some southerners to attack Fort Sumter.  They hired Jeff Davis, Robert E Lee, Jeb Stuart and others to go to war with the north. It is POSSIBLE that even A. Lincoln was in on the plot. I have NO EVIDENCE but it is said by some that he owned the rights to the Chicago White Sox. WHITE !!! Racism!!!

So, was Abe Lincoln the person who started the Civil War for his own personal profit? I have NO EVIDENCE of this. But Like Senator Kennedy said: Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

The DNC Ukraine Connection in 2016. Now we get to the juicy one. What was the connection between the Ukrainian government and the DNC server hack. The US intelligence services have investigated and found NO EVIDENCE. So what?

According to GOP sources, here is what happened. The DNC paid Cloudstrike to hack the DNC computers. So , they paid to have themselves hacked. Now , a reasonable person may ask why they would do that? Easy.

The DNC had their own computers hacked and damaging emails released by Wikileaks because they wanted to undermine the Trump campaign. The DNC wanted Trump to be elected so they could then IMPEACH him ! A clever ploy.

To hide their plot the DNC shipped their server to the Ukraine. And kept it hidden. You may ask why they just didn’t dump it into the Atlantic Ocean. Silly people. If they dumped it there would be NO EVIDENCE that they hacked themselves. By hacking themselves and blaming it on Putin they could then undermine the Trump administration. Simple.  Of course, there is no evidence of this, but recall.

The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence. Which leads me to my final example. Or fact. Or whatever.

Is Senator Kennedy a child molester? I want to be very clear about this. I am not accusing Senator Kennedy of being a child molester. There is NO EVIDENCE that he is a child molester. No one, to my knowledge has ever accused him of being a child molester.

Kennedy is a male. An old white male. We know that some old white males are child molesters. That is indisputable. Also, Kennedy would undoubtedly DENY he is a child molester. But isn’t that EXACTLY what a child molester would do? Do I have EVIDENCE? No, but then has the FBI ever investigated him for child molestation? I don’t know. Perhaps the entire Fox interview given by Kennedy was designed to throw the FBI off the trail. To hide his crimes. Who knows? Could be.

Remember that Kennedy himself has said: “Absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence“. Right?

 

No Quid Pro Quo !

Well, that settles it. There was no “Quid pro Quo”. Lucky for us President Trump took notes on his phone call with Sondland. Otherwise we would have thought he was involved in some illegal, nefarious plot to dirty the name of Joe Biden. But the evidence is clear. For all to see.

Now, based on this I did a little research into other famous political leaders. What I found surprised me. We need to rewrite our history textbooks based on my extensive research. Here are just a few of the notes I found, hidden by those “elite intellectuals” in academia. Finally, exposed!

A note in the Berlin archives, handwritten by Adolph Hitler.

” To my generals: Do not invade Poland! Do not put Jews in concentration camps. I want nothing but peace and democracy. Do not invade Poland! This is the final word from your fuhrer.”

A old, yellowed piece if paper tucked away at Angkor Wat in Cambodia (Kampuchea).

“To my followers. This is your god and leader, Pol Pot. Do not murder intellectuals. Do not murder anyone wearing glasses. Do not massacre civilians. Communism is wrong. This is the final word from your god and master”

From the South Carolina archives, an official document signed by Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederacy.

“To my white brothers and sisters. It is time to free the slaves. They are human beings just like me and you. Given the chance, a black man may someday discover blood plasma and even become president of these United States. So. Put down your arms and rejoin the union. Freedom for all. This is the final word of your president.”

From deep in the museum at Mexico City, a note from Hernan Cortez, conqueror of the Aztecs. (translated from the Spanish).

“To mis amigos. Don’t kill the Aztecs. Don’t destroy their literature, their art. Don’t melt down the gold artwork and send it back to Spain. Don’t burn their priests. That would be wrong. This is the final word from your commanding officer”,

From the dusty archives in the city of Jerusalem.

“To my Jewish friends. I oppose crucifixion as barbaric and wrong. I will never authorize anyone to nail anyone to a cross. Disgusting. Horrible. Not on my watch. You people have gone through enough, already, without me crucifying you. Take care. No crucifixion. No crucifixion. Your BFF (Best friend forever). Pontius the Pilot.”

So, let us rewrite the history books based on “original sources”,  not hearsay . After all, no one living today ever heard Cortez or saw Pontius or met Jeff Davis. Their own words must be accepted as historic fact.

Now, where did I misplace my notes on Jack the Ripper?

 

Here on Pedophile Isle

The locals called it Pedophile Island. Yet for over 30 years no one associated with Epstein had any clue that he was engaged in pedophilia. All these highly successful, intelligent icons of law, politics and industry and they all were fooled !It was a BIG SURPRISE !!!

With apologies to the Skipper, Gilligan, the professor and Mary Ann….

 

This is a tale of pedophiles

On an island so remote

The locals called it Pedophile Isle

A kindergarten Love Boat.

 

Here’s the Skipper, call him Epstein

With Trump and Clinton on board

And  Dershowitz, of OJ fame

As part of the pedophile hoard.

 

They fly in  together now and then

On the sweet Lolita Express

Prince Andrew, too, but then who knew?

He was looking for a little princess.

 

Ahoy, but when the Skipper was caught

And Florida cops wanted to put him away

A few charges were dropped and Acosta was bought

So he managed to slither away.

 

Now all of a sudden all the guys he knew

Deny they ever saw his face

“Epstein? Who? Never heard of him?”

“Never heard of his Pedophile Place.”

 

So this is the tale of Pedophile Isle

And the well connected pervs

Who raped little girls and walked away

They will never get what they deserve.

 

There’s Clinton here…and Trump is too

Old Dershowitz had him some nook

Wexler  was part of the very fine crew

And who else is in Epstein’s black book?

Who else is in Epstein’s black book?

 

 

Civil War Mystery

I thoroughly enjoy listening to Don Trump, the President of the United States.  He brings into the light extremely important issues which have been ignored for too long. In his latest interview he once again challenged the American people to expand their intellectual horizons. This time in regard to one of the greatest mysteries in American history.

WHY was there a Civil War in America? What could have caused it? What happened? Until today this dark  period of American history has been shrouded in secrecy. But before I go on,  here are the actual words of our president in an interview on April 30 on Sirius Radio  (not be confused with Serious Radio).

Trump: ‘People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, if you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?

So, let’s all think about the causes of the Civil War. For the first time. What could have been the issues? Why have these causes been ignored by historians and educators for over 150 years? Why has no one come forward to solve this mystery? Sad. Very sad.

So, I decided to do some digging. Although I taught history for over 30 years I must confess that the coverage of the Civil War is just not part of any curriculum.  There is just not enough written about the Civil War to draw any inkling of an idea as to why this conflict occurred. So, Donald got me thinking. Maybe I , and I ALONE, could solve the riddle!

After my third morning beer I set to work on the interweb. I googled “Civil War Causes”. The search offered only 28,600,000 hits. Well, that is no help. Only 28,600,000 references to the causes of the Civil War. Donald was right. Nobody knows !

So I wondered . Has anyone written any book about the Civil War? So I googled Civil War books. I found a New York Times (FAKE NEWS) which claims to have a list of the best books about the war. From the website:

“Far more books have been written about the Civil War than about any other event in American history, and Lincoln’s stack of books towers over that of any other American figure…”

OK. Well .  Books.  I mean, You have to READ them. The president of the US is much too busy to read a book. That is hard. I tried to read one and discovered that reading is hard. Very hard. So, I thought. What about movies? Maybe someone, somewhere has made a movie about the Civil War? A movie is easier to read than a book, plus you can eat popcorn and learn at the same time. Brilliant.

Checking Wikipedia I found a list of movies. Starting in 1908 and continuing to today. A lot of movies and documentaries. Over 100 years of movies and films. About the battle between the states. Perhaps one of them has a clue as to the causes of the war?

So if we all work together to Make  America Great Again perhaps we can solve this mystery. Somewhere there is the answer. Until Donald mentioned it no one even cared. Once again, the Educator-in-Chief has caused us to rethink the old ideas and focus on new ones. What could have caused the Civil War? Who knew? Why have we ignored this for so long? Sad.  Very sad.

Do your own research.  Solve the mystery. And send your results to Mar-a-Lago along with a $200,000 entry fee. Donald wants to know. He’ll be glad you did.

https://www.google.com/#q=civil+war+causes

http://www.nytimes.com/ref/opinion/civilwar-booklist.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_films_and_television_shows_about_the_American_Civil_War

Boozing with the Prez

Somewhere around the turn of the century (the latest turn) pollsters and “news” reporters started asking people which presidential candidate they would “prefer to have a beer with”.

I confess that I come from a generation in which the drinking qualification for the highest office in the land was not considered a factor. I thought maybe life experience should matter. Empathy. How about intellect or intelligence? Maybe previous service in the military or as a community organizer? Someone who had “gravitas”.  But that seems to have changed.

What would the “Founding Fathers ” say about this? What did they think  were the necessary qualifications for a chief executive? The Constitution is clear. A certain age, a citizen, not much else. But, as with so many things in life, I was mistaken. It seems the Founding Fathers had more to say on the issue.

There is the old  Tavern in NY city where the patriots used to meet. Recently, one of the Guatemalan illegal immigrants sweeping up at night found weathered, dogeared piece of paper stuck to the bottom of a bar stool with chewing tobacco. It has been authenticated by top Fox Entertainment experts as the real thing.  It dates from the days of the Founding Fathers.

Evidently this old document was SUPPOSED to be part of the original Constitution. Sadly it was lost or misplaced, perhaps during one of the many drinking parties and barroom brawls of the old Whigs. It clarified exactly what the qualifications should be for the President of the United States. Take a gander.

This is how Article 2, Clause 5 looks today:

“No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.”

However, the following “lost clauses” were supposed to be added:

“No person shall be elected to the Office of the President who has not the ability to consume one half a hogshead of hard cider within the time of 3 hours and who, within such time, shall not be required to visit the latrine more than thrice. In addition;

“Such person shall have be of high moral  character and as such shall not have on his or her plantation more than 5 slave children who bear a remarkable resemblance to such a person, nor shall such a person whip his slaves more than twice in any fortnight. In addition;

“Such person shall have the ability to load and fire a muzzle loading weapon at least thrice within a time frame of 5 minutes  and shall be able, at a range of 50 paces or more ,  to use such weaponry to hit the broad side of a barn. In addition;

“Such person shall have had no physical contact with or been alone with any livestock , including but not limited to hogs, sheep, poultry of all kinds and horses, unless such a person find himself alone and at least 6 miles from the nearest brothel. In addition,  finally;

“No person shall be qualified for the high office of President until such person shall be declared having the mental age greater than that of  the Hamadryas Baboon  and be so certified by 2 astrologers and one bloodletting physician.”

I think we need to go back to the original intent of the Founding Fathers and eliminate a number …well,  perhaps ALL, the current crop of candidates for the most important job on Earth.

(Source of the story about the lost document: I overheard  a guy say his cousin talked to a guy who was watching TV and thought someone mentioned something about it. Good enough for me).

 

 

 

 

Happy Labor Day. Now Get back to Work.

Wages in the US are at a 40 year low when compared to investor profits.  And average workers today make less than workers 40 years ago adjusted for inflation. The capitalist revolution has largely succeeded. Convincing workers that they are indeed undeserving of a decent wage.

So, let’s celebrate Labor Day.

The labor of the slaves was responsible for the southern economy. Free labor, of people stolen from their homes in Africa,  was the driving force behind the plantation system that south fought so hard to maintain. It is hard to fail when you have free labor at your disposal. Easy to build a “good life” for the master and his household. So, the economy of the south was built on free labor. Happy labor Day

The labor of the “white slaves”, the indentured servants, was hardly different. Indentured labor was slavery of a different sort. English and Irish “peasants” or “criminals” stolen from their homeland. Some by force, others by the force of the English law. Taken to America where they labored for 7 or 11 or more years to pay off debts. And to pay for their own passage to slavery. Many died before their indenture was over. No recourse to the law. Happy Labor Day.

The labor of the Chinese came next. Railroad builders of the great transcontinental rail system. Stolen from their homes in China or “shanghaied” from the ports of China. Sold by their families into indenture. They built the railroads and for many the rail sidings were their graves. Mass graves when the work was done and they were no longer welcome. Happy Labor Day.

The labor movement of the early 20th century saw a massive number of workers seeking to unite. The US government called it treason. Any strikes for better wages were met with government and company violence. Workers were required to live and pay rent to their employer. To buy everything at the “company store” Were paid in scrip rather than dollars. Any organizer was labeled a “communist” or a “traitor”. Eugene Debs,when he became too powerful, found himself behind bars. Happy Labor Day.

The post -WW2 labor union boom. Wages increased. Working conditions became safer. benefits were seen as an integral part of the labor contract. And as union wages increased, the wages of non-union workers went up as well due to the upward pressure of job mobility. And corporations thrived . Millions were made. And workers could buy homes and save for the future. Then came the Reagan years and  the worker became evil. A parasite on the “job creators”. Mr Reagan’s first act (after ripping the solar panels from the White House roof) was to bust the traffic controllers union. The trend was set. Government was once more the enemy of labor. Union busting was the goal of government. Happy Labor Day.

The Mexican and Guatemalan and Honduran immigrant labor. Doing jobs no US citizen will do. For low wages. No benefits. No protection from the boss if he decides not to pay. Picking grapes. Washing dishes. Busing tables. Doing construction. Weeding lettuce. Cheap labor. And in return they are blamed for wanting to work. For doing jobs that US citizens refuse to do. they keep food cheap and profits high. Happy Labor Day.

Happy Labor Day. Remember the slaves, the Chinese, the white slaves, the wobblies, the unionists, the immigrant. All of whom have made America what it is. No matter how much “capital” is invested, nothing happens without labor. Nothing gets built. No one gets arrested. No computers are programmed. No one is taught. No garbage gets picked up. No potholes get filled. No electric lines get repaired. No one is cured. No packages are delivered. No food is grown.

Happy Labor Day. Now get back to work.

My Heritage: The Flag of Freedom

My  battle flag flies proudly over my front yard. It is my heritage. My flag of freedom.

Some say it represents racism and repression. I disagree.

My battle flag was flown over great victories … although in the end it was flown sadly in defeat. Still, I am proud of the men who  fought for that flag. They died for their race. The white race. They died to defend their way of life from those who would oppose it.

The heritage behind my flag is a long and honored one. It goes back for centuries. Respect my heritage. Thousands died in battles against those who would take away our way of life. Some said that our way of life was wrong because we enslaved others. But that was our right. Under the law. All was legal. Who has the right to change our laws?

Some say my flag represents racism. Nonsense. It represents the way things are or should be. Those who are inferior were given jobs to do. Life time employment. Those laborers, who some called “slaves” helped make us economically strong. We needed their labor. And , as the superior race, they accepted their place.

Until the outsiders caused problems. The so-called “democracy” lovers who said we should not enslave others because of their skin color or ethnicity. The buddinskies.  Those who wanted everyone to be “equal”.

Some say my flag is a flag of violence. And terror. Yes, sometimes we  had to destroy the elements of rebellion among the inferior population. We have had to keep them at bay with whippings and hangings and fear.  Otherwise these inferiors would overrun the masters. So be it. What some call “terror” we call “law and order”  No society can exist without it.

My flag recognizes that we are not all born “equal”. Some deserve to be master. Some are born to serve as workers and slaves.

I am proud of my ancestors who died fighting for those ideals. For the rights of the white man to be master.  For the right of the state to determine its own system and not be imposed upon by others. The flag of freedom flies proudly from the flagpole in my front yard.

It is my heritage. I am German. My flag is the Swastika.

Lincoln-Douglas Debates Redux

I just finished reading the original Lincoln-Douglas Debates of 1858. Both were running for the Illinois Senate seat. Douglas was the incumbent.  The debates half the time centered on the key issues of the day and half the time were used to attack the opponent as corrupt or dishonest.

Still, they discussed their different philosophies about slavery, the Dred Scott decision, the Missouri Compromise, the Wilmot Proviso, the Mexican War, the Fugitive Slave Act and the Nebraska question. As well as the original intention of the “founding fathers” regarding the spread of slavery. Heady issues of the times.

What was most fascinating, though, was the format. No “moderators”. No “gotcha” questions”. Just a timekeeper. Over the course of the seven debates the format was the same. One candidate was given a full hour to speak. His opponent was given one and a half hours for rebuttal. Then the first candidate was given half an hour to respond. Three hours total. Over the course of the debates Lincoln and Douglas each had ten and a half  hours to explain their philosophies and positions on the great issues of the day.

I wonder what a Lincoln-Douglas debate, using today’s typical format and analysis, would look like. Here goes.

Moderator: Welcome to the first and only debate between “Honest Abe” Lincoln and the “Judge”, Stephen A Douglas. This debate is sponsored by the FauxNews/ABC/CBS/MSNBC/ESPN/Hollywood/Shopping Channel consortium.  The format is as follows. Each candidate will get 30 seconds to answer a question, then his opponent will get a 30 second rebuttal. We hope to delve into the important Constitutional, social, economic, social and political issues of the day.

Moderator: First question to “Honest Abe”. Mr Lincoln, isn’t it true that you slept with a man for many years . Doesn’t this imply that you support gay marriage.

Lincoln: Well, while it may be true that I did sleep in the same bed as a fellow for a while, let me put that in context. At the time many young men without means rented cheap rooms at boardinghouses and shared accommodations as a matter of economic necessity.  This in no way….(BUZZER)

Moderator: Your time is up. Now, to the “Judge”. Senator Douglas. What do you think of Mr Lincoln’s support for homosexuality and gay marriage.

Douglas: First, let me thank the press and the fine audience here. I see many supporters and some detractors. I hope you will give both Mr Lincoln and I the courtesy of listening carefully to our arguments and positions. Now, regarding Mr Lincoln and…(BUZZER).

Moderator: Your time is up. Next question for the “Judge”. Senator Douglas, Kim Kardashian has recently called both you and Mr Lincoln racists. What is your response?

Douglas: Well, I don’t know who this particular person is (LOUD GASPS from the audience) but I have always said that the United States was formed by white men and for white men. If that makes me a racist, so be it. Any white man today would hold the same opinion.Furthermore…(BUZZER)

Moderator: Abe. Your response?

Lincoln: I am afraid that you have me at a disadvantage, sir. Like my friend the Judge, I have no idea what news organization this Mr Kardashian works for (more LOUD GASPS from the audience, and chuckles of disbelief from the moderator). I have always held that the Negro is a human being, but is , of course, inferior to the white man in every way. However, let me add…(BUZZER).

Moderator: Well, there you have it, the only debate between Lincoln and Douglas . Fascinating stuff. Now , to our analysts, Huck and Sarah. Tell us who won?

Sarah: You betcha I will. First, old Abe. A catastrophe. I don’t know who did his makeup but those ugly lines and big nose? Give me a break. His suit was way too small. His looks like a big ape . Gangly and awkward. Definitely not going anywhere in politics.  Judge Douglas. Well. Here cums da judge. Here comes da judge. Hahahaha. Dressed to a “T”. Great suit. Great tie. I would only suggest he wear lifts to make himself a little taller. A clear win for Senator Douglas in my book.

Moderator: And Huck, what is your analysis? Who won?

Huck: Well, I think the American people were the big losers today. Neither of these candidates is fit for high office. Lincoln sidestepped the gay rights issue. What is he hiding? And Douglas never did explain his ideas about white supremacy. What does he really believe? But the clincher was this. Neither candidate seemed to know who Kim Kardashian is? Really? You expect us to believe that? The most important political analyst-dancer-TV personality of modern times and neither of these candidates had a clue? Both are UNFIT for public office. Case closed.

Moderator: So you have it. An in depth look at the issues and candidates. Stick around for the next two hours as we air our special ” When  Sasquatch Goes to the Mall”. And don’t forget to vote. It is your duty. I think voting this year is sometime in November…or is it October..? Google it.