How Bout It?

In 2010 a Russian arms dealer named Viktor Bout was sentenced to 25 years in prison for his crime of attempting to sell arms to FARC, a terrorist group in Colombia. He had been arrested in a “sting” operation carried out by US DEA agents in Thailand. They pretended to be members of FARC and got assurances from Bout that he could supply anti-aircraft weapons and 5,000 AK-47s. He never delivered.

He was arrested and sent to the US for a trial. The rationale was that IF he had actually sold the weapons (he didn’t) Americans would have been killed by them. In Colombia. So, the US claimed jurisdiction . Russia, of course, protested and called it a political prosecution.

Bout was convicted by a jury based on the agents’ testimony. His sentence could have been life in prison. Anyone who sells weapons that are used to kill Americans face some of the harshest penalties. In fact, he was convicted on 4 counts. The judge, however, sentenced him to the bare minimum, 25 years in prison. The reason? She was critical of the “sting” operation And stated that if not for the sting he may not have committed any crime. (Note that Bout was a well-known arms dealer who had been delivering arms to rebel groups for years. No altar boy). He was nicknamed by US authorities as “The Merchant ofDeath”.

Which brings me around to American arms dealers.

Bout was convicted of planning to sell weapons used to kill Americans. In his case those weapons were never delivered or used to kill Americans  (these would be Americans fighting in Colombia). Still, a jury convicted him and he was sentenced.

Since the tragedy of 9/11 we have had 22 years of deaths by guns in the USA. Approximately 30-35,000 or more per year. Roughly 800,000 Americans were killed by guns. None were sold to them by Bout.

The guns used to kill Americans were sold by thousands of small gun store owners. They were sold on line. They were sold by Marty Daniel. Daniel is the CEO of Daniel Defense. They were sold by Christopher Killoy. Killoy is the CEO of Sturm, Ruger and Company. Merchants of Death.

Selling AR-15s and other weapons used to kill Americans. Every day . Gun sellers made over $1 billion in profits in the last 10 years just on assault weapons alone. Merchants of death.

Now Putin and the Russians want Viktor Bout back. Maybe it is time for him to return to Russia. Or,  perhaps we should send them Daniel and Killoy instead. After all, they have been much more effective in killing Americans than Bout could ever hope to be. Merchants of death.

How Bout it?

Doggystyle

Recently a Republican congressman named Jody Hice, from Georgia, was trying to make a point about personhood. He asked Fatima Gross , the CEO of the National Women’s LawCenter, whether a woman could give birth to a turtle.

He knew, of course, that a woman could not give birth to a turtle. He was trying to be clever in pointing out that any pregnancy in a woman always results in a “person'” being born.

Now, being a curious human being, I was led to do some of my own research. After all, real research must take into account all the information available to us on the interweb.

I could find no news stories of any woman ever giving birth to a Snapping Turtle or Loggerhead or Slider. Not even any reference to a Eastern Mud or a Pig-Nosed. Nada. So, we can put that possibility aside.

However, that does not mean that a woman necessarily ALWAYS gives birth to a human baby. Interweb research, the primary form of information now cited regularly by those on the right wing of the political spectrum, leads us down the path of true truth. And the truth must always be respected.

In the 17th century a “doctor” by the name of Paolo Zacchia reported the birth of a half human half dog baby. Evidently the canine /hominid hybrid was the result of a dalliance of the woman with her household pet. The “monstrosity” was an example of the awful result of such a union. Italian women were put on alert. Keep the family dog away from your pussy.

Of course, we must take with a grain of salt (or spoon of Alpo) any stories from the 17th century. There is really no way to verify. Luckily we have more recent cases of human – canine intimate interactions.

In 2017 a story emerged from South Africa. It was reported that Samantha Kedder had given birth to a litter of three puppies. Despite the fact that no DNA tests were done, the finger (or paw) was pointed at Jonsey. Jonsey was the family German Shepherd. And the puppies WERE German shepherds! Ms Kedder later admitted that she had frequent intercourse with Jonsey (we assume it was consensual). Evidently Jonsey had mastered the commands of “Down” and “Come” . Still working on “Roll Over”.

But, if you remain a skeptic, there are other examples. The well respected journal “The Atlantic” has reported a number of these multi-genus couplings.

From the World Weekly News we learned that Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton had a big fight over Hillary’s affair with a space alien. Bill had to resort to fisticuffs to defeat the alien, but not before he or it had coupled with the First Lady.

As any regular readers of the news source probably already know, another amorous affair ended with the birth of the famous “Bat Boy”. Found in a cave in West Virginia, the half-bat, half-human was front page news. Some confusion resulted which still remains a mystery to this day. Was the Bat Boy a product of a human (Joe Manchin?) impregnating a bat OR a bat (maybe Batman?) impregnating a female human? We may never know.

To the unbeliever, I give you more evidence. In July , 2016, in Nigeria , a woman gave birth to a half human half frog infant. Or maybe a half toad who can tell? The father was never identified since he had previously croaked.

Also in Nigeria (known as the home of princes) another strange birth took place. A woman who had been pregnant for three years finally gave birth….. to a dog. another example of man’s best friend being a little too friendly to man’s best wife. This happened in a church, so there can be no doubt of the veracity.

But there is more from Nigeria. Just a few months earlier in the same area, a woman gave birth to a goat. A goat! This took place at the Redeemed Chritian Church of God. A miracle? Or a case of Billy Goat Gruff running amok? It should be bleating obvious.

The lesson here is clear. Members of the gentler sex will screw anything that walks on all fours. No wonder they get cooties. Now , some might argue that these poor women were not responsible for these births. To that I say, “Ever hear of birth control”? Take responsibility. Be sure to take a doggy bag on those long walks with Fido.

Of course these women were not raped. Noted former congressman Tod Akin knows human biolgy. In 2012 he pointed out that a woman cannot get pregnant if raped. Her body does stuff to prevent that pregnancy. Along the same lines, another Republican candidate for Congress, Yesil Vega of Virginia made a similar claim. Because a rapist does it “quickly” it is very unlikely that rape will result in a pregnancy. Speed is the key. If a man ejaculates in a matter of seconds, pregnancy is impossible. Hmmm. Makes me wonder how I fathered 2 kids? I need a long talk with Betsy.

So any woman who claims she is pregnant, from man or beast, cannot claim rape. Impossible. Liars all. They wanted it.

Back to bestiality. Evidently the issue of human animal interactions of an intimate nature have long been a problem. That explains why the good book condemns such liaisons. Perhaps it is time for Congress to act. Finally, a platform that GOP politicians can run on. A national crisis. Perhaps outlawing “doggy style” activities.

Jody Hice, take notes.

Biting My Tongue

Last week I traveled to Ohio to see my nephew and his young family. These folks were flying in from Europe with their kids. I hadn’t seen them in 4 years and was happy to see the little ones, especially.

Why Ohio? Because the parents of these relatives live in Ohio and so they would be staying there. These relatives (very close relatives) who live in Ohio are fervent Trump supporters. Members of the cult. Unmoving in their love of the Donald.

So, I was determined to keep my mouth shut.

There was really no point. So, we avoided all discussions of politics. Which was hard for me. As anyone who knows me can relate, my ability to keep my mouth shut when it comes to politics takes an enormous amount of will power. And will power is not my strong suit.

For two days we hung around saying nothing of import. Nothing of consequence. Very uncomfortable.

It is hard to have relatives who have fallen into the cult. But it raises some issues.

Were they always racist and Trump just allowed that to be used as a badge of loyalty? I suspect so.

Were they always anti-democracy, authoritarian and willing to give loyalty to a tyrant? Evidently so.

Did they always hate the concepts of liberalism which gives them a good life today? I guess so.

It is ironic to me that these relatives still support the tyrant. Still hate all things liberal. After all, they both are supported by Social Security.They both have Medicare. They have safe lives. Members of their family get benefits as retired veterans, earned, from the military. They live on a safe street in a safe neighborhood. All the things liberals have fought for and the conservatives have opposed. And they hate liberalism.

I recall a conversation I had with one of them a few years ago. She talked about how she would never vote for Hillary Clinton. When I asked why her answer was that Hillary should have divorced Bill when his affair was exposed. Hillary had no integrity. She only votes for people with integrity.

Then, this relative proceeded to vote twice for Donald Trump. A serial sexual offender. A man who changes wives and girlfriends like changing the oil in your car. He was her hero. He loved America. Boys will be boys.

So, they have gone down the rabbit hole and are lost. They will never crawl out. No amount of evidence or facts will change their minds. A cult. Lost to a cult. Lost.

So, I seldom see or talk to these relatives. I do think they are racists although they will not admit it. (I should add that they really hated Obama). I do think they have lost all ability to consider evidence. They live on a steady diet of Fox . No need to watch the January 6 hearings, Fox will tell them what to think. Like the “See no evil, hear no evil” monkeys. Closed to ideas. Loyal followers.

So, we have no relationship except on the most surface levels. Close relatives. No longer.

I have to stay silent. I have to bite my tongue. Ouch.

Trump’s Chimps

When Jane Goodall first studied chimpanzees in the wild she learned that they are peaceful animals for the most part. The problem with her first study was that it was limited mainly to female chimps, including the very good mother, Flo.

As time went on and more data was collected it became evident that chimp behavior could be anything but peaceful. Especially among male chimps vying for power. I say male chimps because unlike bonobos the males are bigger , stronger and more aggressive than females. And unlike gorillas, our more distant relative, the common chimpanzees live in larger groups with multiple males.

The political power structure of chimps centers around groups of males, supporting each other. One male chimp stands above the others. He achieves this role through violence and intimidation. He makes the other male chimps cower before him. Then he uses that collective power to maintain control of the group.

In order to keep that power he must continually reassert his dominance. Once in a while a younger chimp may challenge him. At that point his gang comes to support him and fend off the challenger. At some point, however, when he starts to get old and vulnerable another chimp will successfully challenge him and become the new leader. Demanding the same allegiance from the group. Subserviant males would approach the ruler and hold out a hand in demonstrating their complete loyalty.

Of course there will be males who simply leave the group run by the bully. It was noted in the group that Goodall studied. A number of males left the original group and went to an adjoining territory. The original males , led by their boss, tracked down the other males. But they did not attack them as a group.

They waited until they found a male alone, then the entire gang systematically attacked and beat the ex-patriot to death. They did this to each male as they found him. Ambushed. Brutal gang attacks on lone males. Those murdered males had been part of their society and probably related to some of them. The attacks occurred for no apparent reason since the break off group was not threatening their territory.

As we now know, chimpanzees are our most closely related primate. (Some claim bonobos are just as close or closer). Some anthropologists have suggested that human beings are, in fact, a type of chimpanzee. But, since humans make the categories they decided they were unique.

Which brings me to Trump’s chimps.

Are there some genetic components in human beings that demand the type of leadership Trump provides? Violent. Vindictive. Allowing no deviation from the leader. Total humiliation of others, even his closest supporters.

Do human beings, at least many of them, welcome the bully as leader. The tough guy who manipulates others to do his dirty work. The man who governs by intimidation.

Are democracies doomed by human DNA?

Julius Caesar. Adlof Hitler. Napoleon Bonaparte. Idi Amin. Pol Pot. Josef Stalin. Mao Zedong. Saddam Hussein. Donald Trump. Henry VIII. Putin. The list goes on.

No strong man acts alone. He intimidates others who buckle under his will. He eliminates anyone who defies him, further intimidating those around him. A technique so old and so often used that it is hard to imagine there is not some genetic component.

Perhaps Trump’s chimps are normal and those of us who believe in democracy are the outliers, genetically. Perhaps democracies are doomed to eventually give way to authoritarianism. Perhaps there is an inherent need for humans to reject the idea of group decision making in deference to a strong man. After all, democracy demands responsibility. Isn’t it easier to give that responsibility to one man and unburden the individual from thinking and acting. Easier to give up responsibility for society. Empathy is hard.

A frightful idea. That Trump’s chimps are the inevitable end game of our democracy.The “normal” ones. Encoded in our DNA.

Time for Replacement

There is an important political movement afoot. It is called “Replacement Theory”. It goes something like this.

The white race is on the verge of being “replaced” by the non-white races. (Disclaimer:I am a member of the white race). Because the white race is being replaced by the other races it is necessary to take actions to stop this replacement.

At this point I will not bore you with scientific-type stuff. Like the fact that there is only one human race. The idea that the concept of race is a social construct, not biological reality. Science only exists if you think it exists. Replacement theory cannot be constrained by evidence, facts, science, etc. What fun would that be?

Replacement theory has been the basis for much violence. Killings of blacks, Asians, Jews, etc. have all been linked to replacement theory. Replacement theory is mother’s milk to Tucker Carlson and other right wing ideologues. Think of all the mass murders in the last 10 years or so.

How many mass murders were committed by black folks? How many black men have used AR-15s and entered a white church and murdered people. How many Hispanic immigrants have killed white children at day care centers. How many Asian immigrants have bombed white owned businesses?

The master race, of which I am a member , has a long history of replacement. Replaced Native Americans in North and South America. Replaced aboriginal populations in Australia. Replaced black Africans in South Africa. The history of the white race is one of replacement.

And who can forget the giants of the white race replacement history. The Conquistadors and their progeny who enslaved most of Latin America.. The British who replaced and colonized North America, South Africa and Australia. More recently the great white replacement heroes like Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Putin and others who justify violence on the Jews, Slavs, Ukrainians, etc.

It seems time for the new replacement to take place. I support the replacement of the “white race” by people “of color”. Look at some of the white race and tell me the world would not better without them in power. Trump? Tucker Carlson? Marjorie Taylor Greene? Josh Hawley? Ted Cruz? The list goes on.

The historic and continuing violence of the white race seems to cry for replacement. Must be a genetic defect. A violence gene. An ignorance gene. A hate gene. Seems like a certain number of the master race, along with the leadership of the master race are genetically defective.

So I appeal to people of color all over America. Please, please REPLACE us as the majority. PLEASE replace Tucker and Donald and all the other blatant racists. The sooner replacement takes place, the better. The master race had its chance. It failed. Time for replacement.

Step One… Accomplished

The recent leaked opinion about Roe v Wade, written by Justice Alito, demonstrates exactly where the radical court is heading.

Overturning Roe v Wade and taking away a family”‘s right to decide how many children they want is just the first step.

Justice Alito has outlined his thinking on the abortion issue. But more important, it sets a foundation for overturning many other rights that people had assumed we had as citizens. The core of Alitio’s decision is this: The right to an abortion is new. It has no history in America. He is clear that a legitimate reason for overturning a Supreme Court decision can be based on this idea. It is not EXPLICITLY mentioned in the original Constitution and it has no longstanding history of being recognized as a right.

He even goes back to the 17th century to explain that “common law” historically viewed abortion as illegal and criminal. He refers to a multitude of 19th century writings which express the same sentiment. Women do not have the right to an abortion. This is the fundamental principle on which his decision rests.

Of course, following Alitio’s reasoning we can see where this leads. While he gives a passing reference to the 9th and 10th Amendments he then ignores that very important part of the Bill of Rights. The founders, after all, debated what rights should be included in the Bill of Rights. Knowing it was impossible to include ALL rights, they included those amendments as safety valves meant to include future rights as may be identified. That was the “original” Constitution which the “originalists” constantly ignore.

Following Alito’s reasoning it becomes apparent that any right not specifically mentioned in the Constitution AND with no long history in common law is not a right at all. All are now up for grabs. Where does this lead?

Until the 1950s women had virtually no legal rights in many states. It was a tradition. A woman could not get credit in her own name and had few rights her husband could not decide.Husbands and wives, in the privacy of their own bedrooms, were not allowed to use birth control. That was the longstanding American tradition.

Until the 1960s blacks were effectively prevented from voting by state laws in southern states. Literacy tests. Poll taxes. A longstanding American tradition.

Until the 1960s black Americans could be prevented from buying houses, marrying non-blacks, eating at restaurants, renting hotel rooms, drinking at water fountains, sitting on buses, etc. Black Americans , by law, could not attend schools with white children. A very longstanding American tradition.

Until recently homosexual behavior was illegal and punishable by prison terms. Tradition. Homosexuals were not allowed to marry. They had no rights to adopt. Certainly a longstanding American tradition.

Make no mistake. The fundamental concept articulated by Alito has massive ramifications in all areas of life. State legislatures will attempt to return to a more repressive system. Be certain that there are many state legislatures chomping at the bit to take away rights from blacks, immigrants, homosexuals, news organizations, etc. The current majority on the Supreme Court now has a firm basis on which to overturn any well established Supreme Court decision.

This decision is just step one.

Families v Big Brother

We are on the verge of a return to big government interference in family affairs.

I am referring to the upcoming overturning of Roe v Wade by the activist , right wing majority on the Supreme Court. I think most of us would be very surprised if the McConnell majority does not decide that a woman’s right to terminate a pregnancy no longer exists. One of the few (first?) times a SCOTUS has taken away a well established right.

Of course, as a practical matter this makes little difference. The SCOTUS for years has turned a blind eye to the real elimination of this right, state by state. For all practical purposes abortion has been illegal for years in many states, at least for poor families. Chipping away, slowly, until the right to abortion exists only in theory, not practice. Especially for poor families.

Notice, I hope, that I write “families”.

This ongoing attack on the right to an abortion has been seen by the left as a “woman’s issue”. It is. But it is much more than that. By ignoring the wider implications of the attack on abortion rights the liberals have played into the hands of the right wing. Yes, women get pregnant. But the abortion issue is not just about women.

The left needs to wake up and see the issue in much wider terms. They need to aggressively demonstrate the fundamental importance to men. To families.They need to frame the issue in a different way.

In the final analysis the argument breaks down to this.

Who has the right to determine how many children a family can have? Is it the family or is it big government? Should mom and dad decide, or should they be controlled by a law made by the state legislature? Who knows better ? Who should decide how may kids a man or woman can support, the family or big brother?

You would think that conservatives, who have panic attacks when asked to wear a mask, would be on the side of the family. But they are not. This is one area where they care not for “freedom” from big government. They demand big government. They demand the suppression of family rights. They show their true, authoritarian, colors.

In Germany in the 1930s the Nazis demanded that “Aryan” women have more babies. For the fatherland. The state decided how many babies a family could have. It is called authoritarianism.

In communist China in the 1960s the government demanded that families in cities limit themselves to one child. Only one. If the first child was a girl many families committed infanticide, hoping for a boy next time. The state decided how many babies a family could have. It is called authoritarianism.

In the USA today we have the same attitude .The state should decide how many children a family will have. Not mom. Not dad. Big brother. The only true function of a family is to add babies. No matter the emotional or economic cost. It matters not what the family wants. Authoritarianism.

So, if a man or woman s working hard to make ends meet and does not want another mouth to feed, too bad. The state will decide. If a woman has a medical condition that may put her in danger with another pregnancy, too bad. The state will decide. Authoritarianism.

Families no longer have rights .These same folks who whine and cry about “freedom” from vaccines or mask wearing seem to care little about the freedom of a man and woman to plan their family size.

This is where the “pro-choice” movement has missed the boat. For the most part they have left fathers and families out of the equation. They have allowed the right wing to ignore family rights and men’s rights when it comes to the issue. They have been unwittingly complicit in focusing on this as ONLY a woman’s issue. It is much more than that.

Abortion rights need to be more clearly described for what they are. The right of a dad and mom to decide for themselves how many children they want. A fundamental right of a family to choose . Ending the right to an abortion eliminates the right of the family to determine it’s own destiny. Authoritarianism.

When I’m 5

FREEDOM! FREEDOM NOW !

Indeed, we live in perilous times. The “government ” in many states and localities are trying to force our children to wear masks and do social distancing at schools! Or be vaccinated. Enforcing good and sane health policies on our tykes.

Who ever heard of schools forcing kids to be vaccinated. That is as unAmerican as slavery and 3rd rate sitcoms. But I digress. As usual.

On the other hand, many adult Americans are demanding freedom. Freedom to spew their virus entombed in saliva onto the rest of us. And, they demand the right of their children to spew their viral spittle on everyone else’s children.

Freedom isn’t free. It is paid for by the blood, sweat and intubation of America’s kids. Hey, somebody has to stand up, (or lie quietly gagging away their life), for FREEDOM.

Which reminds me of a little girl I knew many years ago.

It was our 4 year old neighbor. A little pixie who was , shall I say, actively active. Over active? Hyperactive? You get the point.

Her young parents were fervent fundamentalists who kept a tight grip on her at all times. Tried to, at least. Her natural enthusiasm for life was contained by structure and rules which she hated immensely. In her case, a short leash was the only way her parents knew to control her. Spare the rod.They did not.

She and I were discussing some important issues one day (her upcoming 5th birthday) when one of her parents called her home. She did not want to go and ignored the plea. A second call was more forceful so she knew she had no choice but to , at least for now, do what she was told.

She pouted. Folded her arms , and after sending a chilling glare in the direction of her progenitor, she looked at me and said: “When I am 5, NO ONE is going to tell ME what to do”.

Sad to say, when it comes to common sense, decency and public health, we have a very large population of 5 year olds now on display. The pouting, petulant purveyors of phony “freedom”. No one is going to tell them what to do.

A good time to be an intubator salesman.

The $10 Lazies

This Congress passed a bill giving all unemployed Americans an additional $300 a month to help them until they can return to the workplace. I t was part of the massive covid relief bill which had unanimous Democratic support. And unanimous GOP rejection. As in all laws the GOP does not like, many GOP-run states are simply refusing to enforce it. They are rejecting the additional monies which help the poorest working families in their states.

As of 2 days ago the following states, all with Republican governments, chose to not allow their unemployed citizens the additional funding. Montana, Iowa, North Dakota, Idaho, Wyoming, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, South Carolina, Tennessee and Missouri have all told their poor unemployed: Sorry, no extra help for you. Yesterday, Ohio joined the parade.

To be clear, this money comes from the federal government. Which means most of it comes from the “blue” states which have been subsidizing the “red ” states for years. So, I suppose, those of us who have been keeping the welfare states afloat should be happy. Less money being drained from us.

A semi-intelligent person (me, for example) might ask the question: Why would the leadership of a state refuse free help for the workers in that state?Working families who need temporary assistance to pay the bills. How does that benefit, say, Idaho?

The governors of those states have the answer. If you give these unemployed workers all this money, they will refuse to work. They will sit on their fat (ethnic) butts and do nothing. As we break this down to dollars and cents.

The additional $300 a month breaks down to $10 per day. $10 per day. So, the Republican governors believe (do they?) that an additional $10 a day will keep people from going back to work.The lazy bastards are just sitting around rather than going out and getting a job for $7.25 (as in Idaho) . How are businesses going to get workers for $ 7.25 an hour when the lazy bastards can sit home and make 10 bucks a day?!

I understand the philosophy behind this. After all, the GOP in these states support keeping wages low for the working poor and profits high for non-working rich. I respect that philosophy. It is as old as the grand old Confederacy. Crush workers. No unionization. No benefits. Keep a population completely dependent and willing to take any job at any wage just to survive. It is a long held noble philosophy of the right wing.

But, being a practical man, I do not understand one thing. The federal government is giving workers an additional $10 a day. What are they going to do with that extra money? Invest it in the stock market? Put it away in their “Yacht Savings Account”? Maybe spend it on a Disney World vacation?

I would suggest that this $10 a day would be spent immediately. At the local grocery store. At the auto mechanic. Paying the bill to the local utility company. Shoes for kids. A visit to the local doctor. All of this additional money would go directly into the local economy. Which would create…uh…more jobs.

So, congratulations to the GOP states. You have not only deprived your own citizens (Of course, you don’t see working people as “your” citizens). You have taken money out of local economies. Money that would help keep the local grocer, mechanic, etc. afloat. Hard to figure.

The New Network

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The End of Parody

I like to try to write parody. But lately I find myself unable to compete with “reality”. It is extremely frustrating to try to outdo the current bunch of loonies masquerading as normal folks. For example. A brief summary of what the CPAC and their loons find essential to our nation. I should note that at the first day of CPAC no one mentioned the Covid relief needed by Americans. Unemployment. War. All non-issues to the major conservative “thinkers”.

The Muppets. Evidently the Muppets are somehow central to the right wing philosophy. I recall in the past that the conservatives hated the Muppets for “indoctrinating” our children with political correctness, like diversity. But no longer. According to CPAC, the Muppets have been cancelled.

For some reason Disney, which now owns the Muppets, saw fit to issue a “warning” that some of the Muppet shows may deal with stereotyping. So, this warning , according to CPAC , means the Muppets are victims of “cancel culture”. I am sure Miss Piggy will not take this sitting down.

For sake of full disclosure, Disney put forth the same warnings on “the Aristocrats”, “Swiss Family Robinson”, “Peter Pan” and “Dumbo”.

So, this little disclaimer is one of the major issues at CPAC. I am not sure who is harmed by this disclaimer. I mean, we are talking about the Muppets. It is possible that the CPAC members don’t understand that the Muppets are not real people. The live their entire non-existent lives as colorful pieces of cloth with human hands manipulating their hands and arms and with a hand stuck up their butts. They have no brains. They have no independent motions… Oh, wait. I just figured out why the Trump supporting CPAC members find this offensive.

Then there is the strange case of Mr Potato Head. The demise of Mr Potato Head by Hasbro is, according to CPAC, another example of the skid of our society into the depths of despair. Canceling this American icon is tantamount to blowing up the sculpture of Lincoln on Mount Rushmore. The final example of political correctness gone amok. How dare the liberals, in the name of gender equality, throw spud into the fire? How dare Hasbro to make a hash out of national icon? The horror! Oh God! Au Gratin!

OK, so Hasbro did not really turn Mr Potato Head into fries. What Hasbro did was change their own logo from “MR.” Potato Head to just “Potato Head”. That’s it. A private company changed with the times. Mr Potato Head is still around, as is Mrs. Potato Head and even Baby Potato Head. Still, the major conservative political organization is outraged by this. This is a major issue !

I recall Mr Potato Head from my youth. I have always found him(?) to be strangely gender neutral. Being a curious youth and a more curious adult and a potato grower myself I have tried for years to identify the gender of Yukon Gold and Norland. To no avail. Search as I might, I have never been able to locate a penis or vagina on any spud. And believe me I have tried. Which makes me wonder. Is Mrs Potato Head simply a transvestite? A transgender veggie? Have our children been victimized for years by this liberal plot to make us immune to the realities of sexually ambiguous vegetables? At least cucumbers leave no doubt about sexual orientation.

Finally, PAC rolled out the parody of all parodies. The Golden Ass statute of their god. The Golden Trump. Complete with patriot red, white and blue panties. An icon worthy of worship. This organization devoted to personal freedom and independence bowing down to the golden icon of the golden con. The golden wheeler dealer on wheels. A false god worthy of worship by false conservatives.

At first I was certain this statue was a liberal trick. A joke meant to poke fun at the CPAC worship of the most anti-freedom former president since James Buchanan. Certainly this would exposed as an Al Franken stunt or a SNL skit. An obviously foolish jibe at the brainless, mindless followers of the Golden Khan.

But no. The golden statue is real. The complaints about the puppets are real. The outrage over the naming of a vegetable toy is real.

The end of parody. How do you top that?

Racist or Stupid?

Barack Obama: Good evening folks. Time to play the latest game especially for Republicans. It’s time to play “Racist or Stupid?”

Barack: First our contestants. From Powder Puff Hill, Ohio we have a 67 year old retired washer woman, Karen Kumquat. And from Gulch Gulch, Texas a 34 year old unemployed student of UFO studies, Dwayne Wayne Layne Jumaine.

Barack: OK. First question . Remember the first one to stamp your feet and cry “I was cheated” gets to answer. Every answer must be either “Racist” or “Stupid”. Ready?

Barack: First statement. Muslim people are all terrorists….. Dwayne?

Dwayne: uh… racist?

Barack: Good job, Dwayne. Next statement. Donald Trump is the best president ever….. Karen?

Karen: That’s racist.

Barack: Sorry Karen, not correct,…. Dwayne?

Dwayne: That’s a racist statement.

Barack: Uh. No , that was just stupid. Next statement. Trump won more popular votes than Joe Biden…. Karen?

Karen: True.

Barack: No, Karen, you have to answer “racist” or “stupid”… Dwayne?

Dwayne: True.

Barack: No, sorry, you are both wrong. The correct answer was “stupid”. Let’s try this one. Votes in Philadelphia, Detroit and Atlanta should not count…. Dwayne?

Dwayne: True.

Barack: No, Dwayne, the ONLY answers are “racist” or “stupid”…. Karen?

Karen: Greatest president ever.

Barack: No, Karen, that’s not correct. Correct answer was “racist”. Ok… One final statement. QANON is the truth and we must all follow Q….. Karen?

Karen: Yes. We must all follow Q. I agree.

Barack: NO. Please remember the answers to the statements…. Dwayne? Racist or Stupid?

Dwayne: Both. Because QANON is really a false flag operation of Antifa. And Antifa is racist.

Barack: I give up. That’s it for tonight. So, saying good bye for now. Dwaye and Karen, any last words?

Dwayne: Racist!

Karen: Stupid!

Amen.

Farewell Address, 2021

Many presidents give a farewell address when they leave office. Washington warned about entangling alliances for the young, weak republic. Eisenhower warned about the military-industrial complex, whose power we see flexed daily. Clinton outlined his accomplishments and called for national unity.

Some of Mr Trump’s advisors have been encouraging him to follow suit. He should speak to the American people about his accomplishments and thoughts about the future.

One of the last members of the administration still working at the White House happens to be a dear friend. He is the advisor to the keeper of the First Lady’s closet and information director for the chauffeur of Don Trump , Junior’s wife’s mother. (A lot of vacancies at this time require multiple posts to be filled). He is also the top speech writer for Kelly Anne Conway, Sean Hannity, Bobo the Talking Chimp and President Trump. I know, it sounds redundant.

At any rate, he leaked the Trump “Final Address to the Nation by the Best President Ever and Ever Will Be. Maybe the Final, Maybe Not.””

Here goes:

My fellow Americans, 4 years ago I promised to rid this government of experts, intelligent advisors, men and women of character and decency. And I succeeded. MAGA.

My accomplishments, which are the best accomplishments ever in the history of the world are amazing. That’s not what I say. That’s what people say. Many fine people. So many people say that. So many.

I have transformed this country from one where decency and honest disagreements can be fought on the battle ground of ideas, to one where real patriots fight on the steps of the Capitol. I won. I won. I won.

My followers have shown us what America CAN be if we follow my path. From the torch lit nights in Charlottesville filled with many fine people, to the patriots who beat to death the police officer in the Capitol. From the knee on the neck of George Floyd to the cages used to house children ripped from their parents arms. Brown children. We are now living in MY America. I love em all. Give em hell.

But enough about me. Let me talk about my accomplishments over the last 4 years.

I have packed the court with radical judges that will, for generations to come, repress the liberty of women and the communists. No president has ever made so many judges. I don’t know many of them. But Mitch handed me a list and I did my duty. I did what I was told and how does he repay me!

I promised to build a wall to keep out the brown skinned Mexicans and others. I built over 400 miles. Well, I built 40 new miles, the other 360 miles was substituting new wall for barricades that already existed. And Mexico is paying for it. I promise. We are paying these wonderful contractors now, but eventually Mexico will pay. They will. Eventually. Just like I promised.

I hired the best cabinet ever. With no regard for expertise, training or capability, I assembled a cabinet full of sycophants, liars, grifters and clowns never seen before in America. A millionaire Education secretary that knew nothing about education. Some Chinese woman married to Mitch who knew nothing about transportation. Some black guy who used to be a doctor, I put him in charge of Housing for the Negroes. (That’s why the Negroes love me). And a few of my appointees still have NOT been indicted for grifting . The BEST people. MAGA

I became good friends with Kim Jung Un and now he has promised to end his nuclear program. I love that little guy. He just added some nukes on submarines and is developing short range missiles that can hit targets in South Korea. And long range ones to target the USA. But he promised not to use them. A victory for me. Anyway, that’s Biden’s problem.

I took us out of the Climate Change Agreements and Iran nuclear deal. A couple hoaxes . Now, the evil Iranians are developing new nuclear capabilities, just as I predicted. And there is no climate change, it’s still winter in some places. I don’t see any polar bears in Florida, do you? Duh. Two more victories for me.

Now, about the economy. In my first 3 years, BEFORE the Chinese virus, my massive tax breaks to the wealthy created almost as many jobs as the Negro did in his last three years. Almost. And I leave you with the highest unemployment data since the Great Depression !! The so-called experts said it couldn’t be done, but I am the first president in modern times to leave office with fewer Americans employed than when he took office ! MAGA

I told you that fake pandemic would disappear and it has. Almost 400,000 dead Americans, and with each death another virus dies. That’s how you kill a virus. Plus, I had the virus and now it is gone! So, what’s the problem? The Chinese virus was just an attempt to make me look bad. It has disappeared from all my speeches and comments. Where is it? Where did it go? Who knows? Can’t find it.

As in regard to my good friend, Vlad Putin. We had many great meetings. People said they were the best meetings ever. Imagine that? The best ever. No one gives Vlad better meetings than me. No one. Even the Politiburo said so. I wish I could share with you the notes for those meetings. But they got lost.

So, as I leave the White House as the first president elected TWICE in a landslide I leave you with this thought. In 1923 a patriot in Bavaria named Adolph led a mob and tried to violently overthrow the government. He failed. He went to prison but was quickly pardoned. 10 years later he became the chancellor of the German republic.

So take heart. Anything is possible in politics. And keep those torches burning, it ain’t over by a long shot. MAGA

The Super Bowl Jets

The New York Jets are having a bad year. So, being a scoundrel, I thought I would rub some salt into the wound of my friend, Jim Bob Googly, a rabid Jets fan. So, I gave him a call.

Me: Howdy Jim Bob. Are you still living in the trailer behind the trailer in the Lubbock, Texas Trailer Park for the Mentally Illogical?

JB: Yepper, Joey, old boy. You suck.

Me: Just called to offer my condolences. Looks like the guys you follow are in the toilet this year.

JB: Whattya talkin about?

Me: I am talking about the New York Jets “football” team. Although I am not sure why a hick from Texas would be supporting a crappy team from New York.

JB: I hate New York, but I make an exception in the Jets case. They are the richest team out there. Major bucks. Best team ever. More money than any other team. By far. I back the winner!

ME: Well, the Jets are actually the 6th most valuable franchise, down 11% from last year. They are behind Dallas, New England, New York Giants, Los Angeles Rams and San Francisco. Still, 6th is pretty good.

JB: Bullshit. Fake news. The Jets are the tops. Don’t be fooled by the mainstream media.

Me: Whatever. You do know that the Jets have not won a single game this year, don’t you? They are 0 for 13. Major losers.

JB: That’s what the TV says. I don’t believe it. Fake news.

Me: The record is clear. The Jets could join the 2017 Cleveland Browns and the 2008 Detroit Lions as two of the worst franchises in history. They could suffer a massive defeat. In fact, they already are among the worst of all time.

JB: That’s what you say. I beg to differ, you moron. The Jets have won EVERY game this year. They are 13-0. The Jets are headed to the Super Bowl this year.

ME: Well, the Super Bowl is in February and the Jets are already mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. So, there is NO WAY they can be in the Super Bowl. Can’t happen.

FB: FALSE. There are a lot of ways the Jets can win the Super Bowl. Plenty of ways. It’s only December and the Super Bowl isn’t played until February. Boy are you stupid. Anything could happen.

Me: Well, no. It’s mathematics. They have won no games and there are only 3 games left. Even if they win all three games left they will still be last place in their division. They cannot possibly be in the Super Bowl.

JB: Mainstream media nonsense. Just because YOU say they can’t win the Super Bowl doesn’t mean anything. Not to mention your fake mathematics. Just wait. Anything can happen.

ME: Ok. So tell me HOW it would be possible?

JB: Lots of ways. Ways you know nothing about. Behind the scenes. There was a lot of fraud in the Jets losses. We are going to get those losses overturned by the commissioner. The real scores will show that the Jets won all their games. They didn’t lose a single one. 13-0. You’ll see.

Me: Well, Jim Bob, I wish you luck. But come February the New York Jets will not be on that field. I can guarantee it.

JB: That’s the problem with you liberals. It’s all “math” this and “science” that and “facts”. You have no imagination. I suppose you think Sasquatch is not real, as well. Mark my words, the New York Jets will win the Super Bowl. So, stop lying ! In fact, I already bought my tickets. Front row seats behind the Jets bench. I got them for only 50 bucks from a guy online selling them from Pennsylvania Avenue. Guaranteed.

Bats in the Belfry

There was a definite scratching noise above our heads. It was in the attic, right above the bedroom. So, in February we called in a mouse and rat exterminator.

He climbed into the attic and looked around. No. No mice. No rats. We had bats. Bats in the attic.

He suggested a company that takes out bats since in NY there are laws. Only a certified person can take out bats. Bats are protected so they can’t be killed. Which is fine with me. I like bats. The two little guys who live in the barn do a great job of insect control on the summer. But bats in the house. Not so much.

So , after the covid subsided somewhat we called in the bat people. A three day job. As they explained it.

First, safely remove the bats. (As luck would have it the bats had already left, but the toxic droppings remained).

Second, remove all the bat droppings and all the insulation.

Fumigate to kill any residual bat remains.

Close up all the holes where the bats might have entered.

Replace the insulation with new insulation.

And then, voila, a bat free, toxic free attic.

We have bats in the attic of the nation. The Trump family bats. The Republican cowardly bats. Batshit crazy. Bat dangerous. And there is only one solution.

As of January 20 we will have removed the major infestation. It will be gone, hopefully never to return. But to make sure we need to do some more work. Because other bats remain.

We need to clean up the shit infested mess left by the bat family. Clean up and fumigate. Get rid of the mess. Throw it out. Take it to the dump.

We need to put down new insulation. Insulation against idiocy and alternative facts. Insulation from Fox and Newsmax. The insulation of science. A thick layer of science. The old insulation of science was stained and weakened by the bats. We need to renew.

Then we need to plug the holes. We need to close up the avenues by which batshit politicians can enter the house. Seal it up. Make it bat proof. But that depends on the voters.

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris have thrown out the bats. But the work is just beginning. Trump and his batshit family are still going to fly around and crawl back into the attic. His pack of batshit followers are still trying to dirty up the house. Where they can continue to do unseen damage to the house. Undermining democracy.

The bats need to be caged. Permanently. I don’t know how. But it needs to be done.

A Sterling Performance

Gabriel Sterling is outraged. He is the Republican commissioner of elections in Georgia and he is mad. He is angry with Donald Trump and the Republican members of the US Senate. He has had enough! Some of what he has said:

“Mr. President, you have not condemned these actions or this language. Senators, you have not condemned this language or these actions,” Sterling said, visibly angry. “This has to stop. We need you to step up, and if you’re going to take a position of leadership, show some.”

Ouch! Calling out the POTUS. Why? Well, there has been a campaign of lies and disinformation about the Georgia election. Trump has even attacked REPUBLICAN leaders in Georgia. There have been death threats against election workers. Just guys doing their job.

And Sterling is mad as hell. A performance for the ages. Angry. How dare Mr Trump attack fellow Republicans? How dare Trump not condemn calls for violence against elected Republican officials? Finally, someone stands up for decency!

A Sterling Performance.

I have no doubt that Mr Sterling is sincere in his anger. His anger about lies. About calls for violence, no matter how thinly veiled. Mad as hell. Of course, Mr Sterling has made it clear that he supports Trump and his policies. He supports the two corrupt GOP candidates for the Senate in Georgia, as well. But he is mad as hell that Trump and his supporters are attacking Republicans.

But… I wonder where Mr Sterling has been over the last 5 years?

Where was his anger at the lies told by Trump about President Obama and where he was born. Birtherism?

Where was his anger when Trump led chants of “Lock Her Up” proposing that his opponent in the 2016 election be jailed?

Where was his outrage when Trump claimed massive voter fraud in 2016 but provided not evidence?

Where was his anger when Trump targeted Muslims as enemies of the US?

Where was his anger when Mr trump complimented racists at Charlottesville as very good people?

Where was his anger when Trump called Mexicans rapists and criminals?

Where was his outrage when Trump engaged in a policy of ripping children from their parents at the border and shipping them across the country to be lost in the system?

Where was his outrage when Trump called on his supporters to “rebel” against the governor of Michigan?

Where was his anger at Mr Trump using the US government to try to force the president of Ukraine to make up false information about Joe Biden?

Where was his anger as thousands of Americans die for covid-19 while the corrupt president golfs?

And I could go on and on and on.

A Sterling performance. And typical of a political party that will accept any corruption. Any language. And lies. Anything goes.

As long as they are aimed at “the other”. As long as the targets are Democrats or liberals or blacks or Muslims.

A Sterling Performance. Of hypocrisy.

‘This has to stop’: Georgia official urges Trump to rein in supporters after threats to election workers

I See Dead People

Well, I heard that dead people are voting in Nevada. I heard this on America’s finest news source, Fox News ! So, I assume it must be true. The person making this claim did not have any evidence.

But that is not the point. At least for me. Whether the actual facts of the case are real or not is irrelevant. Not only to Fox, where all evidence is irrelevant, but to me.

Here’s why.

I am impressed. I am pleasantly surprised even. Dead people voting.

We don’t know WHO they voted for, but these dead folks evidently felt it was their patriotic duty to participate. To make their voices , or teeth chatters, heard.

In a nation where only about 60% of the population usually votes it is refreshing that the dead have taken the time and effort to fill in for the lazy bastards who don’t vote.

Now, we have no videos of dead people voting, which is odd since everything that happens nowadays is posted on Youtube within 3 minutes of the event. (See the pretty kitty playing with the birdy. Oops.) But, as the Oxford trained Senator Kennedy of Louisiana has said when asked about charges about Biden made without evidence: The absence of evidence is evidence.

So, to follow Senator Kennedy, the lack of video or other evidence of dead people voting in no way changes the fact that dead people have voted. Digest that. The absence of evidence is evidence.

That being the case, we can let our imaginations construct the probably scenario of dead people voting.

Since dead people are socially responsible they would certainly maintain social distancing in the voting line. (I say socially responsible because of the massive effort to get out of their graves. Getting out of a box buried by your family under ground is not easy. Take it from me.) Plus, wearing a mask hides the fact that their faces have long since rotted away. On the plus side, since they can’t breathe they could not infect anyone else. On the minus side what could be worse than contracting the covid when you are already dead? I mean, talk about piling it on.

After waiting politely in line for hours (what is time for a dead person, no job interviews to go to?) the zombie-like voter would approach the polling place. Of course, they would need to produce proof of identity. Can you prove you are Hester Mc Gillicutty? Easy. Here is my death certificate. Signed, sealed and dated, 1875.

Filling in the ballot may be a problem. But, poll workers are nothing if not creative. A rubber band would be enough to secure the Sharpie to the bony intermediate and proximal phalanges. So, the vote is recorded. Or kind of recorded. Without eyes they may fill in the ballot a little outside the bubble. Or outside the ballot completely.

Seems as though some folks are condemning the dead for voting. Not me. What a great example of civic responsibility. What a great role model for our youngsters and the newly deceased. I mean people were beaten and died for the right to vote. The living dead showing us the way.

So, let’s not condemn the dead. Let us celebrate their patriotism. Their devotion to the nation. And, after all, their brains have atrophied to the point of extinction. So, I guess we know who they voted for after all.

Sister Brutalitica

I went to a Catholic elementary school. In the 1950s and 60s. Not just any school but one that was run by a group of nuns. Not just any nuns but nuns of the most traditional variety. Nuns who would have collected firewood for the fires of the Inquisition. Some may have.

The school was pretty strict. How strict was it? Well, a former guard at a Nazi death camp applied for a job as security but was rejected as being too soft. He ended up in tears after the job interview.

Of all the nuns, the one stand out was Sister Brutalitica. I don’t dare use her real name. She may have passed away by now but I am not taking any chances.

I bring this up because I watched the debate last night between Donald J Trump and Joe Biden. As I watched the constant interruptions and rudeness by the commander-in-chief I was stuck by how weak Chris Wallace was.

He was the moderator. He was in charge. The Trump and Biden campaigns had spent months pounding out the rules for the debate. Rules both sides agreed to. Wallace had one job. Ask questions and keep the debate on track.

To his credit, Wallace asked some very insightful questions. He went after the weaknesses of both candidates. He asked for specifics. But he failed miserably to control Donald. So, as was his plan, the president did everything in his power NOT to have a debate. He just wanted to insult and aggravate. Wallace was flummoxed.

So, I said to myself, what if?

What if this debate was moderated by Sister Brutalitica.

The first time Trump interrupted Biden I can see the good sister standing up and glaring. The glare of death. The glare of power. Her squinty eyes boring a hole in Trump’s thick skull. She says ‘Behave”.He shuts up.

The next time Trump interrupts Biden the good sister stands up again. This time she walks over to Trump. She stands toe to toe in front of him. She is five feet tall and still looks down on Donald. She looks him in the eyes : “Last chance”. He withers under her presence. He behaves.

The next time Trump interrupts Biden the good sister again stands up. She says not a word. Slowly and deliberately she strolls over to Donald. The entire room is silent. Anticipating. Hesitation. Beads of sweat form on Trump’s big head . Then, like a rattler waiting in the grass, she strikes.

Trump’s cheek reddens as he feels the back of the good sister’s hand. His carefully glued coiffure do springs up revealing the balding noggin. Sudden. Swift. Violent. He staggers backwards. He grasps the podium to keep his balance. Sister Brutalitica whispers quietly. “That’s it. No more”.

Trump, being who he is, continues to interrupt.

Oops. Now the nun is angry. Mad. Now, if you have never seen a mad nun consider yourself blessed by the Almighty. Cujo on steroids. Hannibal Lecter times three. Mussolini would hide. Pol Pot would slip quietly into the night.

Sister Brutalitica flies across the room. Her feet never touch the ground. A blur of black robes, dangling rosary beads and the “weapon”. The ruler. Not just any ruler. A custom made solid oak ruler. Monogrammed. Notched. A ruler never used to measure inches or feet. A ruler designed with one purpose. To bust knuckles. A wooden sword of justice. To keep the peace. To institute “law and order.” Known only as “The Ruler”.

No one knows what happened to Donald. We heard the crack of oak on skin. We sensed the knuckles breaking. We heard the cries and whimpers. We saw a tiny hand on the scruff of the neck. In a flash we saw an orange head connected to a bloated body go flying off the stage.

The debate was over.

Chris Wallace, take a lesson. Law and order, Sister Brutalitica style.

Where’s the Horse?

Kamala Harris has been chosen by Joe Biden to be his running mate in this election. Watching MSNBC , the liberal Democratic news channel, people are euphoric. She is , after all, a good, solid, intelligent choice. The obvious choice.

According to the talking heads she will only add to Biden’s upcoming victory. And beyond that, she is now in place to be the first woman president of the United States. They all agree, when Biden’s 4 years are up, he will relinquish the crown to Kamala.

She will then be elevated into the highest elective office in the land.

That is the “cart” of the current euphoric liberal Democrats. It’s in the bag. The presidency of Kamala Harris is inevitable. She’s in the cart.

Problem. Where is the horse?

In 2016 the “brain trusts” of the Hillary Clinton campaign put the cart before the horse. I recall in the last weeks of the campaign they were focusing on Arizona, a deeply red state. They wanted a big victory. And the polls  (except for the LA Times) and pundits had only one question. How big was the victory going to be? By how much would she bury Donald Trump?

(One of the members of the Clinton brain trust was Donna Brazile. The same Donna Brazile who was the campaign manager for the failed Gore presidential bid. A man who lost his home state. Brilliant strategy. The same Brazile who worked on the Mondale campaign. He lost. The same Brazile who worked on the Gephardt campaign. He lost. the same Brazile who worked on the Dukakis campaign . A man who at one point held a 55-38% lead on George Bush. He lost. The same Brazile who worked on the Jackson campaign. He lost. Do you detect a pattern here? And after Hillary lost in 2016 Brazile changed jobs. The 5 time loser was hired as an expert. She became a commentator on the Fox News network).

Back to 2016. The Democratic brain trust did not send Clinton to Michigan. They did not get out the vote. Why not? It was in the cart. They did not have her campaign late in the election in Wisconsin. No problem. In the cart. Not in Pennsylvania. We got this. No worries.  In the cart. Relax, it’s in the cart.

The brain trusts of the Hillary campaign were so sure of victory that they rented a massive hall with a “glass ceiling”. This was going to be an historic victory. The glass ceiling was going to be busted through. Smashed. The polls (except for the LA Times) were clear. And, to be sure, the American people overwhelmingly voted for Hillary. They were in the cart.

And the cart sat there. Full of hubris. The cart sat there as the votes came in. Full of the brain trusts. The cart sat there. The glass ceiling stayed intact. The cart was going nowhere.

Only one problem. Where is the horse? Who was supposed to bring the horse? What happened to the horse? We need a horse! But the brain trust had left open the barn door.

Good old Mr Ed was making a speech in Wisconsin.  Whirlaway was away eating grass in a field in Ohio. Seabiscuit was out to lunch in Michigan. Secretariat was on vacation in Moscow. Hubris doesn’t pull a cart.

So, before we anoint Kamala Harris as the 47th president of the United States, perhaps we need to put first things first. Instead of a coronation we should harness up the workhorses and make sure the votes are counted in 2020. First things first. One step at a time.

Be excited. Yes. Be confident. Yes. Be hopeful, Yes. But leave the hubris behind. Don’t ask the advice of Donna Brazile. Don’t put the cart before the horse.

Acceptance Speech Dilemma

Mr Trump, who has not allowed any opposition within the GOP to his nomination, has to decide where to make his acceptance speech. According to news sources has has narrowed down his choices to the White House and Gettysburg. Two of the most important sites in US history.

However, I have learned though White House sources that these are not the only two places under consideration. The White House brain trust of Donald Junior, Ivanka, Jeb the night janitor and Bobo the One Eyed chimp are looking at other options and their pros and cons. They have formed a committee to investigate the possible itinerary for the speech, the Committee to Investigate Territory Now, (Comintern). I was able to speak with the most articulate member of the Committee, Bobo just last night.

Me: Hi Bobo. So, have a banana. What can you tell me about the possible speech sites?

Bobo: Hoot..hoot…hoot. (Through our interpreter, Jane) We have good sites. Many good sites.

Me: For example, what is on your list?

(Note : For simplification the rest of Bobo’s account will eliminate his actual words or hoots. They are the words of the Interpreter. Also, for clarification, Bobo did consume 3 bunches of bananas during the process)

Bobo: First thought was Mount Rushmore. Maybe taking a jack hammer to Lincoln to make room for a carving of the best president ever. Imagine. Donald Trump making the speech below a massive carving of Donald Trump. It boggles.

Me: So, what else?

Bobo: Then we thought, well, this was Ivanka’s idea, maybe fly to China. Have a great photo op in one of Ivanka’s purse factories. Donald could be surrounded by smiling faces of happy kids . Happy because they have a 30 minute break (unpaid, of course). But Xi would not agree. So that got nixed.

Me: So, other options?

Bobo: We tossed around the idea of Florida. Anywhere in Florida. At any hospital. Donald would go into a Covid-19 ICU and spray the patients with Clorox bleach. Show some real leadership fighting the pandemic. But no hospital would give us permission. Something about the Hippocratic Oath. Guess there are a lot of hypocrites in Florida.

Me: So, that one went down the tubes. Any other possibilities?

Bobo: Donald Junior suggested a golf course. One of Trump’s own golf courses. What symbolizes a connection with the white working class better than a country club? Donald would drive out in a gold plated golf cart onto the first tee. He would be followed by Pence in a silver plated golf cart. Pence would lie down on the tee box, balance a golf ball on his nose and Donald would smack it into the fairway. Then, they would ride down to the green of the first hole, Pence always 5 lengths behind Donald. Donald would drive his cart right up to the hole, lean down and take out a golden golf ball with MAGA emblazoned on it. Then give the best speech ever. We had a minor problem when we practiced this one. Pence is still recovering at Walter Reed hospital. Thank god for Obamacare.

Me: Well, Bobo, I hate to say it, but you guys really haven’t come up with much.

Bobo: Think not? You haven’t heard our back up emergency plan.

Me: Emergency plan?

Bobo: Yep, if Donald keeps dropping in the polls. And if the Manhattan district attorney gets a hold of Trump’s tax returns. We will fly the entire family along with Roger Stone and Bill Barr to the Kremlin. Kindly ask permission for an audience with Donald’s boss. Then the Donald will drop to his knees and deliver his farewell address at the feet of Vlad. It’s the last resort, of course. But certainly an option.

Me: Well, if that happens there will be a lot of angry Americans. And even more happy ones.

Bobo: No kidding. One thing for sure. Once we land in Moscow, they will never see Air Force One again. Pass that banana over here, would ya?

 

Vladimir Appleseed

In the early 19th century a man named John Chapman wandered around Pennsylvania, Ohio and other states planting orchards. Orchards of apples. As time went on and stories about his life changed he became a legend.

Images and stories of Chapman wandering across the country flinging apple seeds hither and yon. Creating orchards in his wake. So John Chapman earned the nickname of “Johnny Appleseed”. An American folk hero.

Of course there is a lot of truth in these stories. Johnny did plant orchards of apple trees. Then he protected them from wild animals by  fencing, as any good horticulturalist would do. He did travel across many states. He did spread apples across the “western”states.

Those seeds took root. He came out every year and tended those orchards. He made sure his wide ranging plantings were protected and managed. It worked. In the early 19th century clean water was not easy to come by. Which is why “cider” was a popular drink. The trees Johnny planted were not good for eating apples, but were great for cider. A real public service.

Now, on the internet, we have a new Johnny Appleseed. His name is Vladimir. He trolls through the vast web of on line information and plants the seeds. The seeds of dissent. The seeds of doubt. Flinging them hither and yon. Hoping they take root.

He is seeding and tending orchards of misinformation. Of false news. Of divisive, negative nonsense. He pretends he is a black man and sows seeds trying to divide blacks from whites. He pretends he is a Democrat or a Republican and sows seeds of hatred for the other side. He pretends he is a doctor and sows seeds of confusion concerning Covid-19. And it is working. Americans are confused. Divided as never before.

It worked in 2016 and it is working today. Vladimir Appleseed planted the misinformation of “Clinton Corruption” in 2016 and many folks devoured the apples. I recall doing a “search” on the name “Hillary Clinton” during the campaign. At one point the first 2 pages of links were all about the Clinton “health issues”

Of course, there were no health issues. But seeding the internet with false reports and bots, Vladimir Appleseed was able to push Clinton “health issues” to the top of the Google research pages. Because stories are placed in the order of how many others have clicked on the site. Not based on accuracy, just numbers. It worked.

So, Vladimir Appleseed is at it again. Joe Biden is some kind of child molester. Joe Biden has mental issues. Joe Biden is some kind of crook with contacts with the Ukraine. It’s all out there. Joe Biden is a racist. Joe Biden is a socialist. Seeded.

Now, Johnny Appleseed is an American hero. He was a fine man who spread the “good news”of apple trees. An overwhelmingly positive force. Except.

Except. John Chapman also planted a medicinal herb called “dogfennel”. An invasive, quick growing plant that has a certain odor. Unfortunately dogfennel is also poisonous. John didn’t know it, but he was spreading the seeds of poison as well as the seed of cider.

Johnny Appleseed spread apples and dogfennel. A great crop and a poisonous plant.

Vladimir Appleseed has skipped the apples and gone straight to the dogfennel. He knows exactly what he is doing. Spreading the seeds. The lies. the misinformation. And people are unaware of its poisonous properties.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Appleseed

https://plants.ces.ncsu.edu/plants/eupatorium-capillifolium/

 

Finally, An Honest Man

A friend of mine, Diogenese Lamplighter, was walking around with a big smile on his face. Which is quite unusual for him. So, being curious and always willing to throw a blanket over happiness , I had to intervene.

Me: Dio, old boy. What have you got to smile about?

Dio: Well, cranky one, I have finally reached my goal. I have found an honest man. Just one. But he is an honest man.

Me: Needless to say, Dio, I am a bit skeptical. A truly honest man?  Are you sure or have you been hitting ouzo again?

Dio: A man who tells it like it is. No bullshit. He says what he means and means what he says. Total honesty.

Me: Wow. Where did you find this guy? In a monastery or church…wait.. of course not. Hmm. In a cave somewhere far away from civilization? Where, oh, wise one, where?

Dio: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.

Me: OK. Let me google map that…hmmm… hey… wait a minute, Dio, that’s the White House! You mean there is someone in the White House who is an honest man? That would be a first.

Dio: Oh yes. A completely honest man. A man who hides nothing.

Me: (kind of excited now, which doesn’t happen much) Who? Who? Jared? No way. Maybe Steve Miller? Nah, can’t be. I know, I know..it’s got to be Barron? Right?

Dio: No, my foolish, disillusioned friend, it is none other than Donald J Trump, President of the United States.

Me: Sheesh. Now I KNOW you have been not only hitting the ouzo but also soaked the grape leaves in too much white wine. Trump? Honest? Give me a break.

Dio: I will do better. I will give you my analysis. After all these years of searching for an honest man, it has only been Donald J Trump, President of the United States, who has dared to speak the truth.

Me: But… but… he is a racist, a xenophobe, a climate change denier… even some Republicans don’t like him.

Dio: Oh, but you are missing the point. For the last 40 years the Republican party has done everything it legally can to support big business. At the expense of workers. And at the expense of the small business owner. They have pretended to care about workers but oppose the minimum wage. They say they want health care but have opposed health care reforms for years. They are in court right now, trying to destroy the ACA.  As Mr Reagan said, in the eyes of the GOP the “government is the problem”. Because “government” is the only thing preventing corporations from driving out small business and keeping wages low.

Me: Well, I don’t know. Seems to me that the GOP over the last 40 years have just been advocating for following the Constitution.

Dio: Did the Constitution say corporations are “persons”? Or that voting should be suppressed?  Or that black folks should not have equal protection under the law? Or that the post office should be destroyed? Or prisons privatized?

Me: So, what is your point?

Dio: My point is that the Republican party has been a party of racism (remember the Willie Horton ad), bigotry, sexism and anti-working man and anti-small business for at least 40  years. But they pretend to be otherwise. I mean, how can you win an election if  you tell people that you’re main motivation is to screw them?  How can you win an election if you tell folks ahead of time that you are giving millionaires massive tax breaks because it is good for people making $7.25 an hour (the minimum wage)? How can you win an election by telling working people that they would be better off without government protection of their water? But Trump. He is honest.

Me: So , you are saying that Trump just says what the GOP has been afraid to say?  But that they really do support him and his racism and misogyny and general disdain for science and  working people?

Dio: DUH. Mr Trump just says out loud what the GOP has been saying, with their policies, for the last 40 years. Now, I admit, he is a bit more vulgar than many in the GOP would like, but he has given them the government they want.  Corrupt. Racist. Incompetent. Authoritarian.

Dio: I can snuff out the flame on my lamp. Finally, an honest man.

The Crisis: Opportunity or Heresy?

Every crisis is an opportunity.

The covid-19 pandemic has put US schools into a crisis.  I would suggest that this crisis gives us the opportunity to rethink how we deliver education. Most importantly, what we see as education.

Some questions we need to ask about our school system.

Do students need to attend school 5 days a week?

How do we evaluate whether or not a student is successful in reaching the required goals?

To what extent can we use distance learning?

What about sports and clubs? WHAT? Now you’ve gone too far.

I am now going to suggest the unsuggestable. Heresy. Beyond the pale. An idea on par with a justification for the Holocaust. The end of American civilization as we know it.

Sports and clubs in school. Exterminate them. Eliminate them. Toss them.

An admission. I have coached high school sports and advised clubs. I have coached softball, basketball and soccer at the high school level. I have advised the UN Club, a debating team, for over 20 years. I coached a high school championship chess team.

These kinds of activities have long been considered central to the “high school experience”. And I oppose them.

Why? Because in many schools the extracurricular interscholastic activities drain resources that would be better used for a more rigorous and inclusive educational experience for ALL students. Resources that could reduce class size and increase teacher salaries. Resources that should be used for education, capital “E”.

How do sports programs drain resources? Let me illustrate. In most schools there is a budget for extracurricular activities like sports. This usually includes coaches salaries and equipment. This money (provided, recall, by property taxes) is only a part of the costs of sports, however.

There are many costs for sports programs that are “hidden” in the school budgets. For example, the budget proposal for a school I taught at for over 25 years is linked below. There is a $59 million budget. Nowhere in the budget does it have sports program funding. Yet, the district offers 24 different sports teams. 24. (see links below). Now, I am not singling out this district . It is typical and I use it only to illustrate this point.

School sports costs are seldom broken down so the taxpayer can see what the actual costs are. For example. In the school I am referring to there are the following costs, not expressed as sports costs.

Athletic Director and office staff, devoted solely to school athletics. (Hidden in salaries budget?)

Coaching and in some cases assistant coaches salaries for 24 teams. (Hidden where?)

Pay for all umpires, referees timekeepers, scorekeepers at all home games. How many home games does each team play? (Hidden where?)

Transportation for all 24 teams for every away game. (Hidden in transportation budget?)

Training in CPR and concussion protocols for all coaches. (Hidden where?)

The care of the football field and stadium, the soccer fields, the baseball and softball fields, the track and field facilities, for all varsity and JV and modified programs. This includes cutting grass, lining fields, clean up, etc. (Hidden in Building and Grounds budget?).

Uniforms and equipment for all 24 teams.  (For example, the cost for just one football player is between $800-1200 per person. You can do the math). An aside: As a classroom teacher I was given less than $200 a year for all supplies for all my classes. Total.

I have taught in schools when there are “budget crunches”. Which is just about every school every year. I have watched schools drop social studies, math, science and English teaching positions to “save money.” I have seen a district drop programs for gifted and talented students. I have seen yearly teacher contract battles over health care costs. But in all these districts and all these “crunched budgets” I have never, NEVER, seen a district drop a varsity sports program. Cut teaching? Yes. Cut sports? Never.

This current school crisis is an opportunity. Do we really need to spend resources on interscholastic sports programs? Do we need to take the time and expense for these programs? A district could run a very good intramural sports program for a fraction of the cost. In a time when we need to prioritize should we be prioritizing athletics over basic or innovative educational programs?

But. But. But. Kids love sports. And so do parents, a few of whom live vicariously through the imaginary exploits of their progeny. I love sports. But I don’t think taxpayers should be funding them. There are other options.

As in many things, we should look to Europe. European schools do not have sports teams. Some places, like Germany, do have a few schools specifically devoted to athletics, but those are exceptions. In Europe athletics are privately funded by clubs. Professional soccer teams have their own youth academies, paid for by the teams, not the tax payers.

So, let us use this crisis to rethink how we spend very limited school resources. It is not a matter of ending sports for kids, but rather a rethinking of who should pay for those sports and how they should be organized. Should tax dollars for education continue to be funneled to sports programs ? I think not.

Heresy!

(See the eftours link for an interesting look at European schools and how they are organized.)

Focus On: The European high school experience

https://www.genevacsd.org/Page/2419

https://www.genevacsd.org/domain/41

Virus Control

The virus is out of control. People are dying every day. Hospital beds are being taken. Emergency rooms are dealing with death on a regular basis. Different state governors have different approaches. One state says, ” No problem”; another state says “Yikes, we have to do something.” There is no consensus as to what must be done.

The federal government has given up. Not my problem is the message from the White House. I take no responsibility. So says our commander -in-chief. The buck stops THERE, not here.

And, to make it worse, now there is a covid-19 pandemic to boot.

Oh, you thought I was talking about covid-19. Nope. I wasn’t.

I was talking about the never ending virus of gun violence. But I understand the confusion.

You see, the federal government at the very top is handling the covid-19 pandemic the same way they have handled the gun violence epidemic. The same mentality that has allowed the destruction of life in our cities by guns is now allowing the destruction of life by virus. Same game plan.

When you see the two crises side by side the parallels are stunning. In just one half of one year we have lost over 130,000 lives to the virus. And counting. Since 9/11 we have lost around 700,000 lives to gun violence. And counting. You remember 9/11? When 3,000 Americans lost their lives and the US government went into an emergency mode of WW2 proportions. Those 3,000 deaths became a battle cry for jailing thousands of innocent people, completely rethinking air travel and an excuse to go to war in Iraq.

But, as for guns and the virus? No problem. There are defined by the White House as a “state” issue. States must deal with them. Chicago is condemned as the center of gun violence. But most guns involved in crime in Chicago come from Indiana. Lax gun laws. Same with NY. Most guns come from the states where you can buy a gun as easy as you can a condom. (Well, you have to be 18 to buy a condom in Alabama, but if your daddy says it is ok, you can buy a gun at any age).

States cannot control their borders. If guns or a virus want to cross state lines they do so with impunity. Mississippi guns find their way into Massachusetts. Covid-19 infections from Florida will eventually find their way into New Jersey. Decisions made by governors and citizens with their heads up their asses end up destroying lives in states where governors are doing their best to keep people safe.

That is the fundamental failure of the Articles of Confederation. Because in reality, at this time in US history, we have reverted back to the Articles. You recall that from your 7th grade US history class? The failed system of colonial independence that sought to keep all power in the hands of the individual states . (Read that: In the hands of the elites who controlled the voting and finances of each state). It could not work. It did not work. That failure was the very reason for the adoption of the US Constitution in the first place. To have a central organizing body, especially in times of emergency. To coordinate responses to national problems.

So, there is only one solution to the covid-19 crisis. It is the same as the solution to the crisis of gun violence. It is a national attack on the problem. State borders cannot stop the viruses. Either of them. Only a national solution will work.

Until the same people who claim to venerate the flag understand what the flag stands for, a “United” States, we will never stamp out the deadly viruses. Only keep passing them on to our neighbors. And onto the next generation. Until and unless that happens, the buck will always stop THERE.

 

You Bought What?

So, $600,000,000,000 (that’s $600 billion) has gone missing. Well, not really missing. Somebody has it. That’s the money that was earmarked for small businesses to help them get through the covid-19 pandemic.

The money Congress appropriated. Legal. Now, in order to get some of this money a business had to fill out an application. An application which made it clear that this money was not given in secret. No right to privacy. After all, its the taxpayers money you are getting.

Then something strange happened. My good friend, Stephen Mnuchin , Secretary of the Treasury, has decided the American people do not have the right to know what happened to those $600,000,000,000. (That’s billion).It’s secret. Hush. Hush money?

So, I called Steve and asked him about it.

Me: Hello Steve, how’s the trophy wife?

Steve: HA HA , you wish. She’s fine.

Me: What about this $600 billion dollars you gave away. Where did it go?

Steve: None of your business. Top secret. Private. No one needs to know. Trust me. It has all gone to a good cause.. or two.

Me: But shouldn’t the taxpayers know how their money is being spent? You know, oversight? Transparency?

Steve: Joe, Joe, Joe. You crack me up. I am the Secretary of the Treasury. It’s MY money, you silly guy…. (end of conversation)..

So, I say to myself, you know. Steve has the right idea. I think (and this is where I always get into trouble) I might try this in my own house. Not being as frugal as my better half, I have absolutely no savings. But, lucky spouse that I am, Betsy has a few bucks tucked away.

Being a rather charming and eloquent guy, I convinced Betsy to “loan” me $3,000 from her savings. She, of course, wanted to know why I needed the cash. I assured her that there are MANY things that need to be done around the house. And I was planning on putting the money to good use. It is probable that visions of painting rooms, fixing gutters and rewiring the basement flittered through her imagination. Who was I to dismiss such fantasies?

Anyhow. A week later.

Betsy: So, what have you bought with the money I gave you?

Me: Essentials. Things we needed. And I provided. I’m a provider.

Betsy: What, specifically.

Me: All kinds of good things. Things to make our household great again. Things you would approve of. Wonderful things.

Betsy: Look, Buster. I want specifics. What did you spend my 3,000 bucks on? And it better be good.

Me: Well, as my good friend Stephen Mnuchin says, you really don’t need to know. I consider it private . Let’s call it proprietary information. Need to know basis. None of your business, my dear. You are out of the loop, darling…… (end of conversation)…

An hour later, after I had time to staunch the bleeding in my nose and the ice pack on my left eye had melted, I hobbled out to the car. With tears in my eyes I drove back to Golfer’s World and reluctantly returned the $3,000 set of golf clubs and accoutrements.

As I was leaving the store I saw Steve and his wife exiting Alfredo’s Luxury Furs. Now, to be precise it was not his first wife, Kathyrn. Or his second wife, Heather. No. It was his third wife, Louise. And she was sporting a very fine Ocelot skin jacket. They made a very attractive couple.

Me: Hey, Steve, I was just wondering where…. (he interrupted, raising his hand)…

Steve: Don’t even ask. Proprietary information.

I wish Betsy had been with me.