How Bout It?

In 2010 a Russian arms dealer named Viktor Bout was sentenced to 25 years in prison for his crime of attempting to sell arms to FARC, a terrorist group in Colombia. He had been arrested in a “sting” operation carried out by US DEA agents in Thailand. They pretended to be members of FARC and got assurances from Bout that he could supply anti-aircraft weapons and 5,000 AK-47s. He never delivered.

He was arrested and sent to the US for a trial. The rationale was that IF he had actually sold the weapons (he didn’t) Americans would have been killed by them. In Colombia. So, the US claimed jurisdiction . Russia, of course, protested and called it a political prosecution.

Bout was convicted by a jury based on the agents’ testimony. His sentence could have been life in prison. Anyone who sells weapons that are used to kill Americans face some of the harshest penalties. In fact, he was convicted on 4 counts. The judge, however, sentenced him to the bare minimum, 25 years in prison. The reason? She was critical of the “sting” operation And stated that if not for the sting he may not have committed any crime. (Note that Bout was a well-known arms dealer who had been delivering arms to rebel groups for years. No altar boy). He was nicknamed by US authorities as “The Merchant ofDeath”.

Which brings me around to American arms dealers.

Bout was convicted of planning to sell weapons used to kill Americans. In his case those weapons were never delivered or used to kill Americans  (these would be Americans fighting in Colombia). Still, a jury convicted him and he was sentenced.

Since the tragedy of 9/11 we have had 22 years of deaths by guns in the USA. Approximately 30-35,000 or more per year. Roughly 800,000 Americans were killed by guns. None were sold to them by Bout.

The guns used to kill Americans were sold by thousands of small gun store owners. They were sold on line. They were sold by Marty Daniel. Daniel is the CEO of Daniel Defense. They were sold by Christopher Killoy. Killoy is the CEO of Sturm, Ruger and Company. Merchants of Death.

Selling AR-15s and other weapons used to kill Americans. Every day . Gun sellers made over $1 billion in profits in the last 10 years just on assault weapons alone. Merchants of death.

Now Putin and the Russians want Viktor Bout back. Maybe it is time for him to return to Russia. Or,  perhaps we should send them Daniel and Killoy instead. After all, they have been much more effective in killing Americans than Bout could ever hope to be. Merchants of death.

How Bout it?

Step One… Accomplished

The recent leaked opinion about Roe v Wade, written by Justice Alito, demonstrates exactly where the radical court is heading.

Overturning Roe v Wade and taking away a family”‘s right to decide how many children they want is just the first step.

Justice Alito has outlined his thinking on the abortion issue. But more important, it sets a foundation for overturning many other rights that people had assumed we had as citizens. The core of Alitio’s decision is this: The right to an abortion is new. It has no history in America. He is clear that a legitimate reason for overturning a Supreme Court decision can be based on this idea. It is not EXPLICITLY mentioned in the original Constitution and it has no longstanding history of being recognized as a right.

He even goes back to the 17th century to explain that “common law” historically viewed abortion as illegal and criminal. He refers to a multitude of 19th century writings which express the same sentiment. Women do not have the right to an abortion. This is the fundamental principle on which his decision rests.

Of course, following Alitio’s reasoning we can see where this leads. While he gives a passing reference to the 9th and 10th Amendments he then ignores that very important part of the Bill of Rights. The founders, after all, debated what rights should be included in the Bill of Rights. Knowing it was impossible to include ALL rights, they included those amendments as safety valves meant to include future rights as may be identified. That was the “original” Constitution which the “originalists” constantly ignore.

Following Alito’s reasoning it becomes apparent that any right not specifically mentioned in the Constitution AND with no long history in common law is not a right at all. All are now up for grabs. Where does this lead?

Until the 1950s women had virtually no legal rights in many states. It was a tradition. A woman could not get credit in her own name and had few rights her husband could not decide.Husbands and wives, in the privacy of their own bedrooms, were not allowed to use birth control. That was the longstanding American tradition.

Until the 1960s blacks were effectively prevented from voting by state laws in southern states. Literacy tests. Poll taxes. A longstanding American tradition.

Until the 1960s black Americans could be prevented from buying houses, marrying non-blacks, eating at restaurants, renting hotel rooms, drinking at water fountains, sitting on buses, etc. Black Americans , by law, could not attend schools with white children. A very longstanding American tradition.

Until recently homosexual behavior was illegal and punishable by prison terms. Tradition. Homosexuals were not allowed to marry. They had no rights to adopt. Certainly a longstanding American tradition.

Make no mistake. The fundamental concept articulated by Alito has massive ramifications in all areas of life. State legislatures will attempt to return to a more repressive system. Be certain that there are many state legislatures chomping at the bit to take away rights from blacks, immigrants, homosexuals, news organizations, etc. The current majority on the Supreme Court now has a firm basis on which to overturn any well established Supreme Court decision.

This decision is just step one.

When I’m 5

FREEDOM! FREEDOM NOW !

Indeed, we live in perilous times. The “government ” in many states and localities are trying to force our children to wear masks and do social distancing at schools! Or be vaccinated. Enforcing good and sane health policies on our tykes.

Who ever heard of schools forcing kids to be vaccinated. That is as unAmerican as slavery and 3rd rate sitcoms. But I digress. As usual.

On the other hand, many adult Americans are demanding freedom. Freedom to spew their virus entombed in saliva onto the rest of us. And, they demand the right of their children to spew their viral spittle on everyone else’s children.

Freedom isn’t free. It is paid for by the blood, sweat and intubation of America’s kids. Hey, somebody has to stand up, (or lie quietly gagging away their life), for FREEDOM.

Which reminds me of a little girl I knew many years ago.

It was our 4 year old neighbor. A little pixie who was , shall I say, actively active. Over active? Hyperactive? You get the point.

Her young parents were fervent fundamentalists who kept a tight grip on her at all times. Tried to, at least. Her natural enthusiasm for life was contained by structure and rules which she hated immensely. In her case, a short leash was the only way her parents knew to control her. Spare the rod.They did not.

She and I were discussing some important issues one day (her upcoming 5th birthday) when one of her parents called her home. She did not want to go and ignored the plea. A second call was more forceful so she knew she had no choice but to , at least for now, do what she was told.

She pouted. Folded her arms , and after sending a chilling glare in the direction of her progenitor, she looked at me and said: “When I am 5, NO ONE is going to tell ME what to do”.

Sad to say, when it comes to common sense, decency and public health, we have a very large population of 5 year olds now on display. The pouting, petulant purveyors of phony “freedom”. No one is going to tell them what to do.

A good time to be an intubator salesman.

Memorial Day Fantasy

A conversation between a 9 year old girl and her mother, overheard on May 31, 2121.

“Mommy, I heard in school that today was going to be the last Memorial Day. Is that true?”

“Yes, dear, this is the last Memorial Day. So, let’s go watch the parade, wave our flags and enjoy the day.”

“But, mommy, why is this the LAST Memorial Day?”

“Well, do you know why we have Memorial Day in the first place?”

“No, mommy, I don’t. What is it, anyway?”

“Memorial Day is the day we remember and honor those soldiers who have died in wars. All the wars since the Civil War. And World War 2. And the Vietnam War. And all the Iran wars. All of them. We remember soldiers who died.”

“So… we remember soldiers who died. But I don’t remember any soldiers dying.”

“You are too young. You see, governments used to go to war and send soldiers to kill each other. It was the way things were in the past.”

“But that doesn’t make sense. Why send soldiers to die? Who would be so cruel? Why do that?”

“Some claimed they were defending freedom. Some said it was to steal oil or other resources. Some said it was simply hatred of other people who looked or believed differently from them. Some said it was for land. All kinds of reasons were given. But no matter what the reason the result was the same. Soldiers sent to kill other soldiers. And to die.”

“That’s stupid. I feel sorry for the poor soldiers who had to die. That’s not fair…. But why is today the LAST Memorial Day?”

“Why? Because no one makes wars any more. The last soldier has been buried. The people of the world said “enough”. No land, no oil, no belief is worth sending my boy to die. So, this is the last time we will ever spend a day honoring the dead. There will be no more dead . Not from wars. This is the last Memorial Day”

A fantasy.

Bamboo-zled

There is an audit going on in Maricopa County. The audit is being performed to make sure that all the votes cast for president in Maricopa County, Arizona were legal. In order to try to understand exactly what is going on I have contacted my boyhood friend, Teddy “The Hammer” Flortasky who is one of the auditors. Here is what I discovered in my ZOOM interview.

Me: Hi Teddy, how are you doing.

Teddy: I am doing fine. By the way, I prefer that you call me by my nickname, “The Hammer”.

Me: OK, Hammer. I often wondered how you go that nickname. Were you a football lineman who “hammered” your opponent? Or were you on the wrestling team , with a patented “hammer” move? Or on the track team, throwing the “hammer”? I don’t recall you participating in those areas.

The Hammer: Nah, none of those. I was given that nickname by my father. As a teenager I helped him in the workshop. He had me get his tools. One day he was building a box and needed to pound in some nails. He told me to go get a tool. I brought back a screwdriver. He said, “No, I am pounding in nails”. So, I went and brought him a pair of pliers. He said, “No, I am pounding in nails”. So, I went and found a saw and brought it to him. He got angry and shouted,”The hammer, the hammer”. So, that nickname stuck. I kinda liked it.

Me: OK . So, you are now auditing the Maricopa County ballots, but haven’t they already been counted twice?

TH: Well, the fact is that those official audits were done by the state election officials. Can’t believe them. We know Trump won Arizona so obviously the recounts were not fair. When we finish the recount I can guarantee that Trump has won.

Me: Well, what are your qualifications for doing the audit. I mean, the previous audits were done in public by impartial trained auditors. You are behind closed doors with a private company. With untrained, partisan auditors. In secret. So, what is your training.

TH: I work for the Cyber Ninjas. Do you know what Ninjas are? They are best fighters. They understand Q’Anon. So, that is proof right there. They are the best. You can tell by the name. What training do I have? What training do I need? I am a proud American . I can count. In third grade I got the gold star for counting. Anyway, my job is not to count the ballots. My boss told me my job was to NOT count the bad ballots. We must not count bad ballots.

ME: How do you know a ballot is bad? I mean, haven’t they already been verified? What is a bad ballot?

TH: So happy you asked. I have been trained to spot bad ballots. First, any ballot that was filled out for Biden is likely to be a bad ballot. We set that one aside. If it looks like maybe the person meant to vote for Trump but made a mistake and voted for Biden, we count that as a Trump vote. Now, other Biden ballots must be thoroughly examined for bamboo.

ME: Bamboo? Why bamboo? What does bamboo have to do with anything?

TH: Boy are you naive. We know, for a fact, that over 40,000 ballots filled out for Biden were shipped to Maricopa County by some Asian people. And , coincidentally, Biden won the county by 40,000 votes. Do the math. Wait, let me get my calculator…. wait…. and subtract….. So, my calculator tells me that those 40,000 votes, if taken away from Biden, gives him 40,000 fewer votes in Arizona. And voila! Trump wins. But, back to bamboo. These bamboo ballots must have come from Asia, since that is the only place bamboo grows. Figure it out. Ballots with bamboo. Asia. It’s obvious.

ME: Have you found any bamboo in any ballots? How do you check for that?

TH: Easy, hold it up to the light. If it’s a Biden ballot it probably has bamboo. It has bamboo, it must be from Asia. Must be from Asia, throw it out. Figure it out. Bamboo is bad. UnAmerican.

ME: Actually, there are bamboo groves in other countries, not just in Asian countries.

TH: Maybe so, but not in the good old US of A, my friend. So, no matter where, the ballots are fake if they have bamboo.

ME: There are bamboo groves in the US, so maybe the bamboo paper came from the USA?

TH: Maybe, but only in the liberal states. So, it would be liberal bamboo. See my point.

ME: There are at least 4 bamboo groves in Hawaii. Pipiwai Trail, Manoa Trail, Makaleha Trail and the Allerton Botanical Garden all have bamboo groves.

TH: See, you prove my point, no bamboo in the USA.

ME: OK…But there are also bamboo forests in the Wilderness Bamboo Forest in Alabama, The Koreshan State Park in Florida, and the East Palisades Trail in Georgia. In fact, there are 3 species of bamboo that are native to the United States. So, how to you know where the bamboo comes from. It even grows in Arizona.

TH: You see how devious the Democrats are? Not only did they use Asian bamboo, but they also used American bamboo to fool people like you. You need to just look at the facts. Trump won. We know it. Now, it’s just a matter of time before we prove it. Don’t be fooled by evidence.

With that we signed off on ZOOM and The Hammer went back to holding up Biden ballots to the light, searching for Asian bamboo. And you know what. I think they are going to find at least 40,000 ballots to throw out. It wouldn’t be the first time we have been bamboozled.

The New Network

Greetings from your cable TV provider. We are happy to offer you our new Platinum America Package. For only $4.99* a month we can add the Platinum America Package to your cable package. A great value, for only $4.99* a month will provide you with the following great America networks.

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TCN… The Trump Court Network. Follow all the lawsuits filed against the greatest 45th President of the United States. Charges of tax fraud in New York. Election tampering in Georgia. Inciting the riot in DC. Rape allegations. Payoffs to former “girl friends”. Get it all here . Don’t miss a moment of the trials. The verdict is in: TCN is a winner.

GDT… Gun Deaths Today. Approximately 100 Americans are murdered each day by guns. All kinds of wonderful guns. That’s an equivalent number of deaths caused by one terror attack on 9/11, each and EVERY MONTH. Yet, most stations only cover the big ones, the mass shootings. But mass shootings are just a small part of the story. Stop ignoring the little guy. Every day, the GDT will bring you as many of murders as possible. Including our TOP TEN innocents killed. Don’t be left out. Keep up with the ongoing story of murders in America on Gun Deaths Today.

EMT… EMergency room Traumas… It’s finally here. Your one stop channel for all the traumas caused by the bullets entering the flesh. Gun deaths are only part of the picture. One of the most ignored stories in America. Every year gun related traumas cost society over $1 billion. Thousands of hospital beds are taken up by injured citizens. Yet this great story goes unreported. Keep up. Maybe your local hospital will be featured on the Trauma of the Week.

ICE… Immigrant Criminal Everyday. Get the latest on all the crimes committed by immigrants. US citizens are 2 and a half times more likely to commit violent crimes than illegal immigrants. But don’t let the evidence fool you. There is still PLENTY of criminal activity by illegal immigrants. Many don’t even have driver’s licenses!! But the ICE will keep you up to date on the latest public intoxication, shoplifting, jaywalking and other immigrant crimes. All day, every day. ! (Note: If your current package already includes Fox News this network will be redundant).

TGC… Trump Golf Championships. Follow the golfing adventures of the 45th President of the United States as he tours the championship tournaments of his own golf courses. Over the years he has won more tournaments on his own course that any golfer, living or dead. Watch as he wins title after title. The only man to ever win a golf tournament that he didn’t show up for ! Watch as his opponents’ balls mysteriously end up in sand traps after appearing to land on the green. See how his shots which seem to enter the woods are miraculously located in the center of the fairway. Don’t miss a single shot.

PSAH… Politician Sex Abuse Hotline. Open 24 hours a day. This hotline is there for you to report the latest sexual assault by your local politician. Been grabbed by the pussy lately? Kissed on the neck? Have your tits rubbed? Your ass patted? Propositioned in a public toilet? Have a child who wondered why the big man wanted to do that? Just give the hotline a call. BUT, Please be patient , as our 56 operators are always busy with another caller.

FUQ… Fantasy Unlimited with Q’Anon. Our newest, most funnest game show. Contestants vie for big prizes trying to decide which story is real and which is a Q’Anon fantasy. Jews using lasers to start the California fires? Sasquatch illegally voting in Georgia? The Clintons running a child sex trafficking ring? Is Trump really still the president? These and other fantasies are explained. Then you, the viewer, can earn prizes while voting on the best fantasies. Prizes include Viking horn hats, pink replica AR-15s and tickets to the Matt Gaetz Childrens’ Show and Tell Circus.

VST… Voter Suppression Today. Every day another state passes laws suppressing the votes. How can we keep up? Is it Georgia? Is it Arizona? Ohio? Mississippi? So many states and so little time. The VST makes it easy. Every day we bring you Republican lawmakers explaining how they are preventing blacks, students and other undesirables from voting. Keep democracy white. Watch the VST and feel good for a change. But don’t forget to bring your own water!!

GMK… Gerry the Mander for Kids. What package would be complete without a channel for the kids? Follow the hilarious exploits of that goofy guy we all love, Gerry the Salamander. He contorts himself into all kinds of weird shapes and forms as he travels from state to state helping the lawmakers draw new districts that are “just right”. This lovable cartoon character has all the answers for the kids. How do you stay in power with just a few votes? How to pack districts to make sure you win? And the kids can play along and help Gerry fix election after election. Both fun and a learning experience!

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The End of Parody

I like to try to write parody. But lately I find myself unable to compete with “reality”. It is extremely frustrating to try to outdo the current bunch of loonies masquerading as normal folks. For example. A brief summary of what the CPAC and their loons find essential to our nation. I should note that at the first day of CPAC no one mentioned the Covid relief needed by Americans. Unemployment. War. All non-issues to the major conservative “thinkers”.

The Muppets. Evidently the Muppets are somehow central to the right wing philosophy. I recall in the past that the conservatives hated the Muppets for “indoctrinating” our children with political correctness, like diversity. But no longer. According to CPAC, the Muppets have been cancelled.

For some reason Disney, which now owns the Muppets, saw fit to issue a “warning” that some of the Muppet shows may deal with stereotyping. So, this warning , according to CPAC , means the Muppets are victims of “cancel culture”. I am sure Miss Piggy will not take this sitting down.

For sake of full disclosure, Disney put forth the same warnings on “the Aristocrats”, “Swiss Family Robinson”, “Peter Pan” and “Dumbo”.

So, this little disclaimer is one of the major issues at CPAC. I am not sure who is harmed by this disclaimer. I mean, we are talking about the Muppets. It is possible that the CPAC members don’t understand that the Muppets are not real people. The live their entire non-existent lives as colorful pieces of cloth with human hands manipulating their hands and arms and with a hand stuck up their butts. They have no brains. They have no independent motions… Oh, wait. I just figured out why the Trump supporting CPAC members find this offensive.

Then there is the strange case of Mr Potato Head. The demise of Mr Potato Head by Hasbro is, according to CPAC, another example of the skid of our society into the depths of despair. Canceling this American icon is tantamount to blowing up the sculpture of Lincoln on Mount Rushmore. The final example of political correctness gone amok. How dare the liberals, in the name of gender equality, throw spud into the fire? How dare Hasbro to make a hash out of national icon? The horror! Oh God! Au Gratin!

OK, so Hasbro did not really turn Mr Potato Head into fries. What Hasbro did was change their own logo from “MR.” Potato Head to just “Potato Head”. That’s it. A private company changed with the times. Mr Potato Head is still around, as is Mrs. Potato Head and even Baby Potato Head. Still, the major conservative political organization is outraged by this. This is a major issue !

I recall Mr Potato Head from my youth. I have always found him(?) to be strangely gender neutral. Being a curious youth and a more curious adult and a potato grower myself I have tried for years to identify the gender of Yukon Gold and Norland. To no avail. Search as I might, I have never been able to locate a penis or vagina on any spud. And believe me I have tried. Which makes me wonder. Is Mrs Potato Head simply a transvestite? A transgender veggie? Have our children been victimized for years by this liberal plot to make us immune to the realities of sexually ambiguous vegetables? At least cucumbers leave no doubt about sexual orientation.

Finally, PAC rolled out the parody of all parodies. The Golden Ass statute of their god. The Golden Trump. Complete with patriot red, white and blue panties. An icon worthy of worship. This organization devoted to personal freedom and independence bowing down to the golden icon of the golden con. The golden wheeler dealer on wheels. A false god worthy of worship by false conservatives.

At first I was certain this statue was a liberal trick. A joke meant to poke fun at the CPAC worship of the most anti-freedom former president since James Buchanan. Certainly this would exposed as an Al Franken stunt or a SNL skit. An obviously foolish jibe at the brainless, mindless followers of the Golden Khan.

But no. The golden statue is real. The complaints about the puppets are real. The outrage over the naming of a vegetable toy is real.

The end of parody. How do you top that?

I Don’t Understand

I consider myself a pretty smart guy. Well, folks that know me are quite aware that I consider myself a fantastically smart guy. And they are right.

But some things I don’t understand. Like Ted Cruz.

Ted is currently involved in a scandal. He flew out of Texas to go to Cancun with his family. In the middle of a major disaster for the people of his state. And he is being mocked for it. Mercilessly.

According to various reports, Ted is the most hated man in the Senate. By other Senators. Lindsey Graham once said that if someone killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate and the Senate was the place for the trial, the perpetrator would be found not guilty. Hey… that rings a bell.

Then there is the Green woman from Georgia. A Q’anoner. An absolute nutcase. A space laser from the Jews started the California fires kind of nutcase. Makes the birthers seem like geniuses.

What I do get. I get there are plenty of people out there who are on the wrong side of the River Normal. Who have climbed Mount Stupid and can’t figure out how to get back down. I get that. OK.

What I don’t get. I don’t get how so many seemingly ordinary people can send these certified idiots to lead our government. I don’t get how so many people think these loons are the people who should be making our laws.

Voter suppression. The power of money. I can think of all the possible reasons for these inferiors winning elections. But it does not add up . How can a majority of ANY GROUP of people in any district or any community think that folks like Ted Cruz or The Green Q are fit to be making our laws. Making our laws. The most important job in America. How can they think that is a good idea?

So, I am stumped. I don’t get it.

Racist or Stupid?

Barack Obama: Good evening folks. Time to play the latest game especially for Republicans. It’s time to play “Racist or Stupid?”

Barack: First our contestants. From Powder Puff Hill, Ohio we have a 67 year old retired washer woman, Karen Kumquat. And from Gulch Gulch, Texas a 34 year old unemployed student of UFO studies, Dwayne Wayne Layne Jumaine.

Barack: OK. First question . Remember the first one to stamp your feet and cry “I was cheated” gets to answer. Every answer must be either “Racist” or “Stupid”. Ready?

Barack: First statement. Muslim people are all terrorists….. Dwayne?

Dwayne: uh… racist?

Barack: Good job, Dwayne. Next statement. Donald Trump is the best president ever….. Karen?

Karen: That’s racist.

Barack: Sorry Karen, not correct,…. Dwayne?

Dwayne: That’s a racist statement.

Barack: Uh. No , that was just stupid. Next statement. Trump won more popular votes than Joe Biden…. Karen?

Karen: True.

Barack: No, Karen, you have to answer “racist” or “stupid”… Dwayne?

Dwayne: True.

Barack: No, sorry, you are both wrong. The correct answer was “stupid”. Let’s try this one. Votes in Philadelphia, Detroit and Atlanta should not count…. Dwayne?

Dwayne: True.

Barack: No, Dwayne, the ONLY answers are “racist” or “stupid”…. Karen?

Karen: Greatest president ever.

Barack: No, Karen, that’s not correct. Correct answer was “racist”. Ok… One final statement. QANON is the truth and we must all follow Q….. Karen?

Karen: Yes. We must all follow Q. I agree.

Barack: NO. Please remember the answers to the statements…. Dwayne? Racist or Stupid?

Dwayne: Both. Because QANON is really a false flag operation of Antifa. And Antifa is racist.

Barack: I give up. That’s it for tonight. So, saying good bye for now. Dwaye and Karen, any last words?

Dwayne: Racist!

Karen: Stupid!

Amen.

Farewell Address, 2021

Many presidents give a farewell address when they leave office. Washington warned about entangling alliances for the young, weak republic. Eisenhower warned about the military-industrial complex, whose power we see flexed daily. Clinton outlined his accomplishments and called for national unity.

Some of Mr Trump’s advisors have been encouraging him to follow suit. He should speak to the American people about his accomplishments and thoughts about the future.

One of the last members of the administration still working at the White House happens to be a dear friend. He is the advisor to the keeper of the First Lady’s closet and information director for the chauffeur of Don Trump , Junior’s wife’s mother. (A lot of vacancies at this time require multiple posts to be filled). He is also the top speech writer for Kelly Anne Conway, Sean Hannity, Bobo the Talking Chimp and President Trump. I know, it sounds redundant.

At any rate, he leaked the Trump “Final Address to the Nation by the Best President Ever and Ever Will Be. Maybe the Final, Maybe Not.””

Here goes:

My fellow Americans, 4 years ago I promised to rid this government of experts, intelligent advisors, men and women of character and decency. And I succeeded. MAGA.

My accomplishments, which are the best accomplishments ever in the history of the world are amazing. That’s not what I say. That’s what people say. Many fine people. So many people say that. So many.

I have transformed this country from one where decency and honest disagreements can be fought on the battle ground of ideas, to one where real patriots fight on the steps of the Capitol. I won. I won. I won.

My followers have shown us what America CAN be if we follow my path. From the torch lit nights in Charlottesville filled with many fine people, to the patriots who beat to death the police officer in the Capitol. From the knee on the neck of George Floyd to the cages used to house children ripped from their parents arms. Brown children. We are now living in MY America. I love em all. Give em hell.

But enough about me. Let me talk about my accomplishments over the last 4 years.

I have packed the court with radical judges that will, for generations to come, repress the liberty of women and the communists. No president has ever made so many judges. I don’t know many of them. But Mitch handed me a list and I did my duty. I did what I was told and how does he repay me!

I promised to build a wall to keep out the brown skinned Mexicans and others. I built over 400 miles. Well, I built 40 new miles, the other 360 miles was substituting new wall for barricades that already existed. And Mexico is paying for it. I promise. We are paying these wonderful contractors now, but eventually Mexico will pay. They will. Eventually. Just like I promised.

I hired the best cabinet ever. With no regard for expertise, training or capability, I assembled a cabinet full of sycophants, liars, grifters and clowns never seen before in America. A millionaire Education secretary that knew nothing about education. Some Chinese woman married to Mitch who knew nothing about transportation. Some black guy who used to be a doctor, I put him in charge of Housing for the Negroes. (That’s why the Negroes love me). And a few of my appointees still have NOT been indicted for grifting . The BEST people. MAGA

I became good friends with Kim Jung Un and now he has promised to end his nuclear program. I love that little guy. He just added some nukes on submarines and is developing short range missiles that can hit targets in South Korea. And long range ones to target the USA. But he promised not to use them. A victory for me. Anyway, that’s Biden’s problem.

I took us out of the Climate Change Agreements and Iran nuclear deal. A couple hoaxes . Now, the evil Iranians are developing new nuclear capabilities, just as I predicted. And there is no climate change, it’s still winter in some places. I don’t see any polar bears in Florida, do you? Duh. Two more victories for me.

Now, about the economy. In my first 3 years, BEFORE the Chinese virus, my massive tax breaks to the wealthy created almost as many jobs as the Negro did in his last three years. Almost. And I leave you with the highest unemployment data since the Great Depression !! The so-called experts said it couldn’t be done, but I am the first president in modern times to leave office with fewer Americans employed than when he took office ! MAGA

I told you that fake pandemic would disappear and it has. Almost 400,000 dead Americans, and with each death another virus dies. That’s how you kill a virus. Plus, I had the virus and now it is gone! So, what’s the problem? The Chinese virus was just an attempt to make me look bad. It has disappeared from all my speeches and comments. Where is it? Where did it go? Who knows? Can’t find it.

As in regard to my good friend, Vlad Putin. We had many great meetings. People said they were the best meetings ever. Imagine that? The best ever. No one gives Vlad better meetings than me. No one. Even the Politiburo said so. I wish I could share with you the notes for those meetings. But they got lost.

So, as I leave the White House as the first president elected TWICE in a landslide I leave you with this thought. In 1923 a patriot in Bavaria named Adolph led a mob and tried to violently overthrow the government. He failed. He went to prison but was quickly pardoned. 10 years later he became the chancellor of the German republic.

So take heart. Anything is possible in politics. And keep those torches burning, it ain’t over by a long shot. MAGA

The Super Bowl Jets

The New York Jets are having a bad year. So, being a scoundrel, I thought I would rub some salt into the wound of my friend, Jim Bob Googly, a rabid Jets fan. So, I gave him a call.

Me: Howdy Jim Bob. Are you still living in the trailer behind the trailer in the Lubbock, Texas Trailer Park for the Mentally Illogical?

JB: Yepper, Joey, old boy. You suck.

Me: Just called to offer my condolences. Looks like the guys you follow are in the toilet this year.

JB: Whattya talkin about?

Me: I am talking about the New York Jets “football” team. Although I am not sure why a hick from Texas would be supporting a crappy team from New York.

JB: I hate New York, but I make an exception in the Jets case. They are the richest team out there. Major bucks. Best team ever. More money than any other team. By far. I back the winner!

ME: Well, the Jets are actually the 6th most valuable franchise, down 11% from last year. They are behind Dallas, New England, New York Giants, Los Angeles Rams and San Francisco. Still, 6th is pretty good.

JB: Bullshit. Fake news. The Jets are the tops. Don’t be fooled by the mainstream media.

Me: Whatever. You do know that the Jets have not won a single game this year, don’t you? They are 0 for 13. Major losers.

JB: That’s what the TV says. I don’t believe it. Fake news.

Me: The record is clear. The Jets could join the 2017 Cleveland Browns and the 2008 Detroit Lions as two of the worst franchises in history. They could suffer a massive defeat. In fact, they already are among the worst of all time.

JB: That’s what you say. I beg to differ, you moron. The Jets have won EVERY game this year. They are 13-0. The Jets are headed to the Super Bowl this year.

ME: Well, the Super Bowl is in February and the Jets are already mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. So, there is NO WAY they can be in the Super Bowl. Can’t happen.

FB: FALSE. There are a lot of ways the Jets can win the Super Bowl. Plenty of ways. It’s only December and the Super Bowl isn’t played until February. Boy are you stupid. Anything could happen.

Me: Well, no. It’s mathematics. They have won no games and there are only 3 games left. Even if they win all three games left they will still be last place in their division. They cannot possibly be in the Super Bowl.

JB: Mainstream media nonsense. Just because YOU say they can’t win the Super Bowl doesn’t mean anything. Not to mention your fake mathematics. Just wait. Anything can happen.

ME: Ok. So tell me HOW it would be possible?

JB: Lots of ways. Ways you know nothing about. Behind the scenes. There was a lot of fraud in the Jets losses. We are going to get those losses overturned by the commissioner. The real scores will show that the Jets won all their games. They didn’t lose a single one. 13-0. You’ll see.

Me: Well, Jim Bob, I wish you luck. But come February the New York Jets will not be on that field. I can guarantee it.

JB: That’s the problem with you liberals. It’s all “math” this and “science” that and “facts”. You have no imagination. I suppose you think Sasquatch is not real, as well. Mark my words, the New York Jets will win the Super Bowl. So, stop lying ! In fact, I already bought my tickets. Front row seats behind the Jets bench. I got them for only 50 bucks from a guy online selling them from Pennsylvania Avenue. Guaranteed.

Bats in the Belfry

There was a definite scratching noise above our heads. It was in the attic, right above the bedroom. So, in February we called in a mouse and rat exterminator.

He climbed into the attic and looked around. No. No mice. No rats. We had bats. Bats in the attic.

He suggested a company that takes out bats since in NY there are laws. Only a certified person can take out bats. Bats are protected so they can’t be killed. Which is fine with me. I like bats. The two little guys who live in the barn do a great job of insect control on the summer. But bats in the house. Not so much.

So , after the covid subsided somewhat we called in the bat people. A three day job. As they explained it.

First, safely remove the bats. (As luck would have it the bats had already left, but the toxic droppings remained).

Second, remove all the bat droppings and all the insulation.

Fumigate to kill any residual bat remains.

Close up all the holes where the bats might have entered.

Replace the insulation with new insulation.

And then, voila, a bat free, toxic free attic.

We have bats in the attic of the nation. The Trump family bats. The Republican cowardly bats. Batshit crazy. Bat dangerous. And there is only one solution.

As of January 20 we will have removed the major infestation. It will be gone, hopefully never to return. But to make sure we need to do some more work. Because other bats remain.

We need to clean up the shit infested mess left by the bat family. Clean up and fumigate. Get rid of the mess. Throw it out. Take it to the dump.

We need to put down new insulation. Insulation against idiocy and alternative facts. Insulation from Fox and Newsmax. The insulation of science. A thick layer of science. The old insulation of science was stained and weakened by the bats. We need to renew.

Then we need to plug the holes. We need to close up the avenues by which batshit politicians can enter the house. Seal it up. Make it bat proof. But that depends on the voters.

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris have thrown out the bats. But the work is just beginning. Trump and his batshit family are still going to fly around and crawl back into the attic. His pack of batshit followers are still trying to dirty up the house. Where they can continue to do unseen damage to the house. Undermining democracy.

The bats need to be caged. Permanently. I don’t know how. But it needs to be done.

Pardon Me Boy, Is This the Chattanooga Choochoo

The Trump Pardon Train is running out of the White House. Get on board. Get your tickets while they last. They are going fast. First class tickets on the Pardon Express are not cheap, but worth it. Better than the old “Get Out of Jail” card in game of Monopoly.

Reserved seats on the Pardon Express have already been issued. Jared, Ivanka, Don, Junior, Melania, Rudy and so many others. Even a special golden ticket for Big Don the Con himself. More to come.

Some folks are upset that the Conman in Chief is on track to pardon his organized crime family and their friends. But. There is a BIG But. (No offense to Donald’s expanding derriere).

The Pardon Express is only valid on federal tracks. Those local trains still require a full fare. And full acceptance of the law. The New York local is on track to send Big Don the Con and his spawn to a private island . No, not another visit by Don to Jeffrey Epstein’s little rapists’ paradise. I am referring to Riker’s Island, a scenic bit of property in the middle of the Big Apple. A very nice piece of real estate.

So, let the pardons flow. We all know how this story ends.

We all know that this criminal family cannot help itself. The Pardon Train tickets are only good for “past crimes”, not future ones. Be real. Rudy and Jared and Ivanka and Don, Jr cannot help themselves. Neither can Big Don the Con. Within 2 years they will be back to their old habits. They are not going to change their basic personalities.

Wait for it. Pardon all you want. The Chattanooga Choo Choo is on track to Riker’s Island. It’s a one way ticket. And Biden will not be pardoning anyone.

A Sterling Performance

Gabriel Sterling is outraged. He is the Republican commissioner of elections in Georgia and he is mad. He is angry with Donald Trump and the Republican members of the US Senate. He has had enough! Some of what he has said:

“Mr. President, you have not condemned these actions or this language. Senators, you have not condemned this language or these actions,” Sterling said, visibly angry. “This has to stop. We need you to step up, and if you’re going to take a position of leadership, show some.”

Ouch! Calling out the POTUS. Why? Well, there has been a campaign of lies and disinformation about the Georgia election. Trump has even attacked REPUBLICAN leaders in Georgia. There have been death threats against election workers. Just guys doing their job.

And Sterling is mad as hell. A performance for the ages. Angry. How dare Mr Trump attack fellow Republicans? How dare Trump not condemn calls for violence against elected Republican officials? Finally, someone stands up for decency!

A Sterling Performance.

I have no doubt that Mr Sterling is sincere in his anger. His anger about lies. About calls for violence, no matter how thinly veiled. Mad as hell. Of course, Mr Sterling has made it clear that he supports Trump and his policies. He supports the two corrupt GOP candidates for the Senate in Georgia, as well. But he is mad as hell that Trump and his supporters are attacking Republicans.

But… I wonder where Mr Sterling has been over the last 5 years?

Where was his anger at the lies told by Trump about President Obama and where he was born. Birtherism?

Where was his anger when Trump led chants of “Lock Her Up” proposing that his opponent in the 2016 election be jailed?

Where was his outrage when Trump claimed massive voter fraud in 2016 but provided not evidence?

Where was his anger when Trump targeted Muslims as enemies of the US?

Where was his anger when Mr trump complimented racists at Charlottesville as very good people?

Where was his anger when Trump called Mexicans rapists and criminals?

Where was his outrage when Trump engaged in a policy of ripping children from their parents at the border and shipping them across the country to be lost in the system?

Where was his outrage when Trump called on his supporters to “rebel” against the governor of Michigan?

Where was his anger at Mr Trump using the US government to try to force the president of Ukraine to make up false information about Joe Biden?

Where was his anger as thousands of Americans die for covid-19 while the corrupt president golfs?

And I could go on and on and on.

A Sterling performance. And typical of a political party that will accept any corruption. Any language. And lies. Anything goes.

As long as they are aimed at “the other”. As long as the targets are Democrats or liberals or blacks or Muslims.

A Sterling Performance. Of hypocrisy.

‘This has to stop’: Georgia official urges Trump to rein in supporters after threats to election workers

I See Dead People

Well, I heard that dead people are voting in Nevada. I heard this on America’s finest news source, Fox News ! So, I assume it must be true. The person making this claim did not have any evidence.

But that is not the point. At least for me. Whether the actual facts of the case are real or not is irrelevant. Not only to Fox, where all evidence is irrelevant, but to me.

Here’s why.

I am impressed. I am pleasantly surprised even. Dead people voting.

We don’t know WHO they voted for, but these dead folks evidently felt it was their patriotic duty to participate. To make their voices , or teeth chatters, heard.

In a nation where only about 60% of the population usually votes it is refreshing that the dead have taken the time and effort to fill in for the lazy bastards who don’t vote.

Now, we have no videos of dead people voting, which is odd since everything that happens nowadays is posted on Youtube within 3 minutes of the event. (See the pretty kitty playing with the birdy. Oops.) But, as the Oxford trained Senator Kennedy of Louisiana has said when asked about charges about Biden made without evidence: The absence of evidence is evidence.

So, to follow Senator Kennedy, the lack of video or other evidence of dead people voting in no way changes the fact that dead people have voted. Digest that. The absence of evidence is evidence.

That being the case, we can let our imaginations construct the probably scenario of dead people voting.

Since dead people are socially responsible they would certainly maintain social distancing in the voting line. (I say socially responsible because of the massive effort to get out of their graves. Getting out of a box buried by your family under ground is not easy. Take it from me.) Plus, wearing a mask hides the fact that their faces have long since rotted away. On the plus side, since they can’t breathe they could not infect anyone else. On the minus side what could be worse than contracting the covid when you are already dead? I mean, talk about piling it on.

After waiting politely in line for hours (what is time for a dead person, no job interviews to go to?) the zombie-like voter would approach the polling place. Of course, they would need to produce proof of identity. Can you prove you are Hester Mc Gillicutty? Easy. Here is my death certificate. Signed, sealed and dated, 1875.

Filling in the ballot may be a problem. But, poll workers are nothing if not creative. A rubber band would be enough to secure the Sharpie to the bony intermediate and proximal phalanges. So, the vote is recorded. Or kind of recorded. Without eyes they may fill in the ballot a little outside the bubble. Or outside the ballot completely.

Seems as though some folks are condemning the dead for voting. Not me. What a great example of civic responsibility. What a great role model for our youngsters and the newly deceased. I mean people were beaten and died for the right to vote. The living dead showing us the way.

So, let’s not condemn the dead. Let us celebrate their patriotism. Their devotion to the nation. And, after all, their brains have atrophied to the point of extinction. So, I guess we know who they voted for after all.

Hiring Amy

I was looking for a contractor to dig a new foundation the other day and I came across Amy Coney Barrett. Contractor extraordinaire. Referred by Don the Con Construction Advisory Panel. So I had her come in and do an estimate.

Me: Hello Amy, I am happy to see you. So, what is your experience as a contractor?

Amy: I am certified as a contractor by Home Advisor and the Federalist Society.

Me: OK. So, need you to provide some references.

Amy: Certainly, just look at my website. It is all about me .

Me: I did that already. Yes, well your website says you are a contractor and that you are an honest contractor. No examples of your work. But, do you have any references from places you have done work for in the past?

Amy: That is a good question. I am well aware that references exist and that references are something that all contractors should have. However, divulging references at this point may prematurely influence your decision to hire me. However, at some time in the future I may or may not divulge references.

Me: I see. Well how many foundations have you dug and what kinds of materials do you use?

Amy: Excellent, thoughtful question. As you may or may not know, there are many types of foundations. It is important to find the type of foundation that best fits every individual’s needs. Some foundations are better than others. There are a variety of styles of foundations. As well as sizes.

Me: Ok. So what kind of foundations have you constructed in the past.

Amy: I would like to answer that question as fully as possible. I am certified to build foundations of many types and styles. At this time I cannot really commit to any one foundation, although I can assure you that I will faithfully build a foundation. Foundations are the foundation upon which buildings are built. Before I can discuss a foundation I will need you to sign my contract. Here is my contract.

Me: (Reading the contract). Hmm. Ok, it says here that I am hiring you for life. That is a pretty big commitment.

Amy: Yes. Before I can start to explain what a foundation is and what I may or may not build, I need a lifetime commitment from you that I will be the sole contractor you ever hire. And I will be paid regularly, of course, for the rest of my life. Whether or not I actually build any foundation is not the issue. It is the lifetime guarantee of employment that is important.

Me: I see. Well, so, can you tell me what you plan to build the foundation out of, before I sign the contract. And are there any guarantees on my end?

Amy: That is a good question. I would like to explain to you exactly what I do and how I will do it. However, to do so may influence how I make my foundation building decisions in the future. Certainly that would be unfair to any future construction. Premature. Just sign.

Me: Well, what about guarantees? What if the foundation collapses or leaks?

Amy: Interesting point. In the past there have been some contractors who would guarantee their work. In that case there is a guarantee. In other cases there is no guarantee. I feel it is premature to discuss any guarantee until you have signed and returned the contract to me. At that time I may, or may not, discuss guarantees.

Me: What about foundations you have dug in the past? Can you give me some addresses so I can look at them.

Amy: A very astute question. Which I think I already answered. Delving into the past is not needed. Whatever I may or may not have built in the past is not important. What is important is the future. I keep an open mind on each foundation I dig. If I dig foundations. Which I do. Or maybe I don’t .Can’t discuss it until the contract is signed.

Me: So, you want me to give you a job for life even though I have no idea how you are going to build a foundation or if you will guarantee your work. Or even if you will show up at all?

Amy: Well, to be clear. As I said in the past and I will say in the future. A contract is a contract and a guarantee is a guarantee. That said, I cannot commit at this time to the actual building of the foundation until the contract is signed. At that point I will open to discussions of all contractual arrangements.

Me: What if the foundation collapses and harms or kills my wife or kids.

Amy: That is a good question and I would like to discuss it now. However, any discussion of possible damages or injuries may be premature. There is nothing in the original Constitution that requires me to build a foundation that will not collapse. I refer you the the original document.

Me: Ok. Sounds like a good deal to me. I will give you a lifetime contract. You will not answer any questions about your past foundations or plans for building my foundation. You accept no responsibility for faulty work. I guess I could sign.

Amy: Good. Sign here and here and here. Ok. I will be back sometime in the future to perhaps perform a function for which you will pay me for the rest of my life. As for now, I have another appointment. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

Me: Thanks Amy. Sure is good to know I am in the hands of an honest professional.

Sister Brutalitica

I went to a Catholic elementary school. In the 1950s and 60s. Not just any school but one that was run by a group of nuns. Not just any nuns but nuns of the most traditional variety. Nuns who would have collected firewood for the fires of the Inquisition. Some may have.

The school was pretty strict. How strict was it? Well, a former guard at a Nazi death camp applied for a job as security but was rejected as being too soft. He ended up in tears after the job interview.

Of all the nuns, the one stand out was Sister Brutalitica. I don’t dare use her real name. She may have passed away by now but I am not taking any chances.

I bring this up because I watched the debate last night between Donald J Trump and Joe Biden. As I watched the constant interruptions and rudeness by the commander-in-chief I was stuck by how weak Chris Wallace was.

He was the moderator. He was in charge. The Trump and Biden campaigns had spent months pounding out the rules for the debate. Rules both sides agreed to. Wallace had one job. Ask questions and keep the debate on track.

To his credit, Wallace asked some very insightful questions. He went after the weaknesses of both candidates. He asked for specifics. But he failed miserably to control Donald. So, as was his plan, the president did everything in his power NOT to have a debate. He just wanted to insult and aggravate. Wallace was flummoxed.

So, I said to myself, what if?

What if this debate was moderated by Sister Brutalitica.

The first time Trump interrupted Biden I can see the good sister standing up and glaring. The glare of death. The glare of power. Her squinty eyes boring a hole in Trump’s thick skull. She says ‘Behave”.He shuts up.

The next time Trump interrupts Biden the good sister stands up again. This time she walks over to Trump. She stands toe to toe in front of him. She is five feet tall and still looks down on Donald. She looks him in the eyes : “Last chance”. He withers under her presence. He behaves.

The next time Trump interrupts Biden the good sister again stands up. She says not a word. Slowly and deliberately she strolls over to Donald. The entire room is silent. Anticipating. Hesitation. Beads of sweat form on Trump’s big head . Then, like a rattler waiting in the grass, she strikes.

Trump’s cheek reddens as he feels the back of the good sister’s hand. His carefully glued coiffure do springs up revealing the balding noggin. Sudden. Swift. Violent. He staggers backwards. He grasps the podium to keep his balance. Sister Brutalitica whispers quietly. “That’s it. No more”.

Trump, being who he is, continues to interrupt.

Oops. Now the nun is angry. Mad. Now, if you have never seen a mad nun consider yourself blessed by the Almighty. Cujo on steroids. Hannibal Lecter times three. Mussolini would hide. Pol Pot would slip quietly into the night.

Sister Brutalitica flies across the room. Her feet never touch the ground. A blur of black robes, dangling rosary beads and the “weapon”. The ruler. Not just any ruler. A custom made solid oak ruler. Monogrammed. Notched. A ruler never used to measure inches or feet. A ruler designed with one purpose. To bust knuckles. A wooden sword of justice. To keep the peace. To institute “law and order.” Known only as “The Ruler”.

No one knows what happened to Donald. We heard the crack of oak on skin. We sensed the knuckles breaking. We heard the cries and whimpers. We saw a tiny hand on the scruff of the neck. In a flash we saw an orange head connected to a bloated body go flying off the stage.

The debate was over.

Chris Wallace, take a lesson. Law and order, Sister Brutalitica style.

Trump’s 9/11

Today is the anniversary of the attacks on the Twin Towers on 9/11/2001. About 3,000 Americans were killed. The perpetrators were Saudi Arabian nationals who followed the cult leader Osama bin Laden.

An American tragedy.

Imagine Mr Trump had been president instead of George Bush.

September 12, 2001, President Trump holds a press conference.

Question: . Mr President, what is your response to yesterdays’ attack?

Mr Trump: It was horrible. Terrible. Billions of dollars in property damage. And you know, now that the Towers are down, 40 Wall Street, which I happen to own is actually the tallest building in New York city.

Quetion: Well, Mr President 40 Wall Street is the 32nd tallest building, not the tallest. But, what is your response to the attack?

Mr Trump: Well, you need to look it up and stop with fake news. 40 Wall Street is now the tallest building. Trust me. I know. Trust me. The big issue is the terrible destruction. You know, that is some of the most expensive property in the world. The entire world. A lot of people don’t know that, but that part of Manhattan is very , very expensive. And the taxes. You wouldn’t believe the taxes.

Question: Mr President, what can you say to the people who have lost loved ones in the attack?

Mr Trump: First of all, this was a disaster. A very bad thing. A terror attack. Who knew? Something we never faced before. I take no responsibility. Not my fault. President Clinton left us no military. None. I have built up up military like no one ever knew. They said it couldn’t be done. No one ever spent on the military like me.

Question: But, Mr President, what do you say to those who have lost loved ones in the attack?

Trump: Well, it is very sad. A sad day. Many people died. Many were killed. Not my responsibility. It is what it is. I mean, the United States has attacked people also. So. It is what it is.

Question: Mr President, what will be the US response to this attack?

Mr Trump: Well, we are looking into this. We have some very fine people looking into this. I think the governor of New York has a role to play. This happened in New York. Also, the governor of Pennsylvania where one of the planes came down. You know, that plane crashed in Pennsylvania. That is a state near New York. Very close. So, we will help the governors respond. But this is really a state problem. Every state may look at this differently.

Question: So, you are not going to have a military response to this?

Mr Trump: Well, I am smarter than all the generals. I mean, I have the biggest brain. I took a test. I can name 5 names in a row. The doctors were amazed. They said no one ever had done that before. So, we have a beautiful military. A fantastic military. The best in the world. I rebuilt it. They said it could not be done, but I did it. Many good contracts.

Question: But, Mr President, are you going to respond to bin Laden and the Taliban?

Mr Trump: We are looking into this. Some people say it was terrorists, others say it was an inside job. Some say bin Laden, others say it was the liberals. We will have to see. I saw on the news last night that it was impossible for the planes to take down those towers. Some people say it was detonations set inside the towers. I don’t know. We will have to look into that. Maybe it was an inside job by the Democrats to make me look bad.

Question: So, you are not going to do anything?

Trup: Well, I am not going to jump up and down and scream. No. Not my style. I keep calm. Calm people down. Don’t get excited. Keep in mind, we have thousands of people killed in traffic accidents every year. Some of these radical would close the roads! But you ask what I will do. Well, first of all, I am issuing an executive order giving tax relief to all the companies that owned office space in the Twin Towers. I am also signing an order paying them from the US Treasury for any office space they rent in 40 Wall Street or the Trump Towers. Two fantastic locations. They will be very happy there, believe me. Great locations.

Question: What are your plans to visit the site?

Mr Trump: Well, as you see from the photos it is a very dirty place right now. Windy. Not good for my hair. I am going to golf at Trump National Golf Club Bedminster next week. A fabulous course. They should hold the US Open there. Fantastic course. Some say it’s the best course in the world. I don’t know, that’s what people say. If I have time it’s a short helicopter ride over the site. I plan to throw down some paper towels to help with the clean up. Very important to clean up the mess. Prime property. It will take a lot of money to build there, believe me.

Question: So, don’t you think as president you should visit and show some leadership and concern for the dead Americans?

Mr Trump: Now, that is a very NASTY question. Very nasty….

Mr Trump walks off the podium…..

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/09/11/trump-pointed-out-that-he-now-had-tallest-building-lower-manhattan-he-didnt/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/09/12/trumps-fuzzy-vision-sept-attacks/

Losers and Suckers

I have a lot of losers and suckers in my family. According to my president, my commander-in-chief, the leader of the free world and all around god -on -Earth, anyone who was in the military or dies in war is a loser or a sucker.

My uncle Casey, who I never knew, was a loser. Born to an immigrant mother, Casimir Wagner was the only son in the family. In WW2 he went into the US armed forces to fight the Nazis. Being small in stature and, I am surmising, fairly smart, he was assigned top turret and engineer on a Flying Fortress.

When he was in the war the bombers were regularly attacking the industrial and military sites inside Germany. It was a war of attrition. On average about 20-25% of the bombers would not make it home. Once you strapped yourself into the bomber, you had a 1 in 4 chance of not coming back. Do the math. Still, off they flew, all the suckers.

On his fourth or fifth mission they unloaded their bombs somewhere near Berlin and headed back to England. Attacked by German fighters the plane was severely damaged. The crew bailed out. All these suckers were captured and sent to a POW camp. Except for one. One loser.

The written reports I have read from his comrades tell us that after Casimir Wagner parachuted from the burning plane, he was shot by a fighter pilot and was probably dead before he hit the ground. What a loser.

My late father-in-law , on the other hand, was a sucker. He volunteered as a pilot in WW2 before the US entered the war. He was not good enough (according to him) to fly combat, but served behind the lines flying in supplies, etc. He volunteered. To fight Nazis. Well before Pearl Harbor. But, since he survived the war, I guess he was just a sucker , and not a loser.

Why did he do that? Why did this sucker go to a foreign nation and help in the fight against fascism? Was it any of his business? In his wallet he kept a handwritten line from a poem by John Donne.

“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main…”

My niece is married to a sucker. He has served his entire life in the Marine corps. Working his way up through the ranks. Commanding military bases in Okinawa and Germany. Still alive , so he’s no loser, just a sucker.

And his son is a bigger sucker. His son wanted to be a Marine but the doctors said,”No”. A physical condition, not likely to change, meant he could never join the corps. Instead of looking for an alternative, he would not give up. Eventually, the Marines relented and decided his condition had changed enough so he could join. Some day , maybe, he could put his life on the line for Donald J Trump. Now there’s a real sucker.

I have had other relatives in the military and my wife has cousins, distant, that can trace back to the Revolutionary War. A long history of suckers. and losers, at least according to our commander-in-chief.

I have some relatives who voted for Donald Trump in 2016 and will vote for him again in 2020. I wonder what he calls them in the privacy of the White House?

Where’s the Horse?

Kamala Harris has been chosen by Joe Biden to be his running mate in this election. Watching MSNBC , the liberal Democratic news channel, people are euphoric. She is , after all, a good, solid, intelligent choice. The obvious choice.

According to the talking heads she will only add to Biden’s upcoming victory. And beyond that, she is now in place to be the first woman president of the United States. They all agree, when Biden’s 4 years are up, he will relinquish the crown to Kamala.

She will then be elevated into the highest elective office in the land.

That is the “cart” of the current euphoric liberal Democrats. It’s in the bag. The presidency of Kamala Harris is inevitable. She’s in the cart.

Problem. Where is the horse?

In 2016 the “brain trusts” of the Hillary Clinton campaign put the cart before the horse. I recall in the last weeks of the campaign they were focusing on Arizona, a deeply red state. They wanted a big victory. And the polls  (except for the LA Times) and pundits had only one question. How big was the victory going to be? By how much would she bury Donald Trump?

(One of the members of the Clinton brain trust was Donna Brazile. The same Donna Brazile who was the campaign manager for the failed Gore presidential bid. A man who lost his home state. Brilliant strategy. The same Brazile who worked on the Mondale campaign. He lost. The same Brazile who worked on the Gephardt campaign. He lost. the same Brazile who worked on the Dukakis campaign . A man who at one point held a 55-38% lead on George Bush. He lost. The same Brazile who worked on the Jackson campaign. He lost. Do you detect a pattern here? And after Hillary lost in 2016 Brazile changed jobs. The 5 time loser was hired as an expert. She became a commentator on the Fox News network).

Back to 2016. The Democratic brain trust did not send Clinton to Michigan. They did not get out the vote. Why not? It was in the cart. They did not have her campaign late in the election in Wisconsin. No problem. In the cart. Not in Pennsylvania. We got this. No worries.  In the cart. Relax, it’s in the cart.

The brain trusts of the Hillary campaign were so sure of victory that they rented a massive hall with a “glass ceiling”. This was going to be an historic victory. The glass ceiling was going to be busted through. Smashed. The polls (except for the LA Times) were clear. And, to be sure, the American people overwhelmingly voted for Hillary. They were in the cart.

And the cart sat there. Full of hubris. The cart sat there as the votes came in. Full of the brain trusts. The cart sat there. The glass ceiling stayed intact. The cart was going nowhere.

Only one problem. Where is the horse? Who was supposed to bring the horse? What happened to the horse? We need a horse! But the brain trust had left open the barn door.

Good old Mr Ed was making a speech in Wisconsin.  Whirlaway was away eating grass in a field in Ohio. Seabiscuit was out to lunch in Michigan. Secretariat was on vacation in Moscow. Hubris doesn’t pull a cart.

So, before we anoint Kamala Harris as the 47th president of the United States, perhaps we need to put first things first. Instead of a coronation we should harness up the workhorses and make sure the votes are counted in 2020. First things first. One step at a time.

Be excited. Yes. Be confident. Yes. Be hopeful, Yes. But leave the hubris behind. Don’t ask the advice of Donna Brazile. Don’t put the cart before the horse.

Acceptance Speech Dilemma

Mr Trump, who has not allowed any opposition within the GOP to his nomination, has to decide where to make his acceptance speech. According to news sources has has narrowed down his choices to the White House and Gettysburg. Two of the most important sites in US history.

However, I have learned though White House sources that these are not the only two places under consideration. The White House brain trust of Donald Junior, Ivanka, Jeb the night janitor and Bobo the One Eyed chimp are looking at other options and their pros and cons. They have formed a committee to investigate the possible itinerary for the speech, the Committee to Investigate Territory Now, (Comintern). I was able to speak with the most articulate member of the Committee, Bobo just last night.

Me: Hi Bobo. So, have a banana. What can you tell me about the possible speech sites?

Bobo: Hoot..hoot…hoot. (Through our interpreter, Jane) We have good sites. Many good sites.

Me: For example, what is on your list?

(Note : For simplification the rest of Bobo’s account will eliminate his actual words or hoots. They are the words of the Interpreter. Also, for clarification, Bobo did consume 3 bunches of bananas during the process)

Bobo: First thought was Mount Rushmore. Maybe taking a jack hammer to Lincoln to make room for a carving of the best president ever. Imagine. Donald Trump making the speech below a massive carving of Donald Trump. It boggles.

Me: So, what else?

Bobo: Then we thought, well, this was Ivanka’s idea, maybe fly to China. Have a great photo op in one of Ivanka’s purse factories. Donald could be surrounded by smiling faces of happy kids . Happy because they have a 30 minute break (unpaid, of course). But Xi would not agree. So that got nixed.

Me: So, other options?

Bobo: We tossed around the idea of Florida. Anywhere in Florida. At any hospital. Donald would go into a Covid-19 ICU and spray the patients with Clorox bleach. Show some real leadership fighting the pandemic. But no hospital would give us permission. Something about the Hippocratic Oath. Guess there are a lot of hypocrites in Florida.

Me: So, that one went down the tubes. Any other possibilities?

Bobo: Donald Junior suggested a golf course. One of Trump’s own golf courses. What symbolizes a connection with the white working class better than a country club? Donald would drive out in a gold plated golf cart onto the first tee. He would be followed by Pence in a silver plated golf cart. Pence would lie down on the tee box, balance a golf ball on his nose and Donald would smack it into the fairway. Then, they would ride down to the green of the first hole, Pence always 5 lengths behind Donald. Donald would drive his cart right up to the hole, lean down and take out a golden golf ball with MAGA emblazoned on it. Then give the best speech ever. We had a minor problem when we practiced this one. Pence is still recovering at Walter Reed hospital. Thank god for Obamacare.

Me: Well, Bobo, I hate to say it, but you guys really haven’t come up with much.

Bobo: Think not? You haven’t heard our back up emergency plan.

Me: Emergency plan?

Bobo: Yep, if Donald keeps dropping in the polls. And if the Manhattan district attorney gets a hold of Trump’s tax returns. We will fly the entire family along with Roger Stone and Bill Barr to the Kremlin. Kindly ask permission for an audience with Donald’s boss. Then the Donald will drop to his knees and deliver his farewell address at the feet of Vlad. It’s the last resort, of course. But certainly an option.

Me: Well, if that happens there will be a lot of angry Americans. And even more happy ones.

Bobo: No kidding. One thing for sure. Once we land in Moscow, they will never see Air Force One again. Pass that banana over here, would ya?

 

Vladimir Appleseed

In the early 19th century a man named John Chapman wandered around Pennsylvania, Ohio and other states planting orchards. Orchards of apples. As time went on and stories about his life changed he became a legend.

Images and stories of Chapman wandering across the country flinging apple seeds hither and yon. Creating orchards in his wake. So John Chapman earned the nickname of “Johnny Appleseed”. An American folk hero.

Of course there is a lot of truth in these stories. Johnny did plant orchards of apple trees. Then he protected them from wild animals by  fencing, as any good horticulturalist would do. He did travel across many states. He did spread apples across the “western”states.

Those seeds took root. He came out every year and tended those orchards. He made sure his wide ranging plantings were protected and managed. It worked. In the early 19th century clean water was not easy to come by. Which is why “cider” was a popular drink. The trees Johnny planted were not good for eating apples, but were great for cider. A real public service.

Now, on the internet, we have a new Johnny Appleseed. His name is Vladimir. He trolls through the vast web of on line information and plants the seeds. The seeds of dissent. The seeds of doubt. Flinging them hither and yon. Hoping they take root.

He is seeding and tending orchards of misinformation. Of false news. Of divisive, negative nonsense. He pretends he is a black man and sows seeds trying to divide blacks from whites. He pretends he is a Democrat or a Republican and sows seeds of hatred for the other side. He pretends he is a doctor and sows seeds of confusion concerning Covid-19. And it is working. Americans are confused. Divided as never before.

It worked in 2016 and it is working today. Vladimir Appleseed planted the misinformation of “Clinton Corruption” in 2016 and many folks devoured the apples. I recall doing a “search” on the name “Hillary Clinton” during the campaign. At one point the first 2 pages of links were all about the Clinton “health issues”

Of course, there were no health issues. But seeding the internet with false reports and bots, Vladimir Appleseed was able to push Clinton “health issues” to the top of the Google research pages. Because stories are placed in the order of how many others have clicked on the site. Not based on accuracy, just numbers. It worked.

So, Vladimir Appleseed is at it again. Joe Biden is some kind of child molester. Joe Biden has mental issues. Joe Biden is some kind of crook with contacts with the Ukraine. It’s all out there. Joe Biden is a racist. Joe Biden is a socialist. Seeded.

Now, Johnny Appleseed is an American hero. He was a fine man who spread the “good news”of apple trees. An overwhelmingly positive force. Except.

Except. John Chapman also planted a medicinal herb called “dogfennel”. An invasive, quick growing plant that has a certain odor. Unfortunately dogfennel is also poisonous. John didn’t know it, but he was spreading the seeds of poison as well as the seed of cider.

Johnny Appleseed spread apples and dogfennel. A great crop and a poisonous plant.

Vladimir Appleseed has skipped the apples and gone straight to the dogfennel. He knows exactly what he is doing. Spreading the seeds. The lies. the misinformation. And people are unaware of its poisonous properties.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johnny_Appleseed

https://plants.ces.ncsu.edu/plants/eupatorium-capillifolium/

 

Finally, An Honest Man

A friend of mine, Diogenese Lamplighter, was walking around with a big smile on his face. Which is quite unusual for him. So, being curious and always willing to throw a blanket over happiness , I had to intervene.

Me: Dio, old boy. What have you got to smile about?

Dio: Well, cranky one, I have finally reached my goal. I have found an honest man. Just one. But he is an honest man.

Me: Needless to say, Dio, I am a bit skeptical. A truly honest man?  Are you sure or have you been hitting ouzo again?

Dio: A man who tells it like it is. No bullshit. He says what he means and means what he says. Total honesty.

Me: Wow. Where did you find this guy? In a monastery or church…wait.. of course not. Hmm. In a cave somewhere far away from civilization? Where, oh, wise one, where?

Dio: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.

Me: OK. Let me google map that…hmmm… hey… wait a minute, Dio, that’s the White House! You mean there is someone in the White House who is an honest man? That would be a first.

Dio: Oh yes. A completely honest man. A man who hides nothing.

Me: (kind of excited now, which doesn’t happen much) Who? Who? Jared? No way. Maybe Steve Miller? Nah, can’t be. I know, I know..it’s got to be Barron? Right?

Dio: No, my foolish, disillusioned friend, it is none other than Donald J Trump, President of the United States.

Me: Sheesh. Now I KNOW you have been not only hitting the ouzo but also soaked the grape leaves in too much white wine. Trump? Honest? Give me a break.

Dio: I will do better. I will give you my analysis. After all these years of searching for an honest man, it has only been Donald J Trump, President of the United States, who has dared to speak the truth.

Me: But… but… he is a racist, a xenophobe, a climate change denier… even some Republicans don’t like him.

Dio: Oh, but you are missing the point. For the last 40 years the Republican party has done everything it legally can to support big business. At the expense of workers. And at the expense of the small business owner. They have pretended to care about workers but oppose the minimum wage. They say they want health care but have opposed health care reforms for years. They are in court right now, trying to destroy the ACA.  As Mr Reagan said, in the eyes of the GOP the “government is the problem”. Because “government” is the only thing preventing corporations from driving out small business and keeping wages low.

Me: Well, I don’t know. Seems to me that the GOP over the last 40 years have just been advocating for following the Constitution.

Dio: Did the Constitution say corporations are “persons”? Or that voting should be suppressed?  Or that black folks should not have equal protection under the law? Or that the post office should be destroyed? Or prisons privatized?

Me: So, what is your point?

Dio: My point is that the Republican party has been a party of racism (remember the Willie Horton ad), bigotry, sexism and anti-working man and anti-small business for at least 40  years. But they pretend to be otherwise. I mean, how can you win an election if  you tell people that you’re main motivation is to screw them?  How can you win an election if you tell folks ahead of time that you are giving millionaires massive tax breaks because it is good for people making $7.25 an hour (the minimum wage)? How can you win an election by telling working people that they would be better off without government protection of their water? But Trump. He is honest.

Me: So , you are saying that Trump just says what the GOP has been afraid to say?  But that they really do support him and his racism and misogyny and general disdain for science and  working people?

Dio: DUH. Mr Trump just says out loud what the GOP has been saying, with their policies, for the last 40 years. Now, I admit, he is a bit more vulgar than many in the GOP would like, but he has given them the government they want.  Corrupt. Racist. Incompetent. Authoritarian.

Dio: I can snuff out the flame on my lamp. Finally, an honest man.

Get the Picture?

Kodak was a major film and camera business in Rochester , New York. When I lived in Rochester Kodak was considered the dream of the crop. In 1982 Kodak employed over 60,000 people. A truly massive amount for the region. And about 100,000 worldwide.

Not only was Kodak the major employer, it was one of the best employers. If you worked at Kodak in any capacity you had a “good job”. Scientist. Technician.Inventor. Chemist. Factory worker. Engineer. It didn’t matter. Kodak took care of you.

Kodak had no union. Not needed. The pay was always good. The working conditions decent. And the bonuses! The bonuses! Every March Kodak gave out holiday bonuses. To everyone. I don’t mean $10 in an envelope bonuses.

From John Kucko Digital, a Rochester reporter:…………..    …….

“For many years, generations even, this week in March was like a national holiday for the nearly 100,000 working at Eastman Kodak across the globe back in the day. The Kodak Bonus was a day on the calendar everyone looked forward to, especially here in Rochester. Company founder George Eastman implemented the bonus in 1912 and it continued for decades. Mr. Eastman valued employee loyalty and believed in rewarding those who worked hard for him. In 1984, Kodak paid out over $254 million to some 93,000 employees throughout the company. This was money that was reinvested in Rochester as workers, in many cases, pumped the money into the local economy. Auto dealers enjoyed a major surge in business, as did most everyone else. Mr. Eastman was at the forefront of employee relations and his way of doing business was the template followed by many. If an employee had a good idea, Mr. Eastman made sure to reward them. Translation: employee morale was off the charts in those golden years. I believe the days of the Kodak Bonus began to decline in 2001 or so and the rest was history….”

 But, as happens with many companies, Kodak was sold. And the new management brought in new ideas. Mainly, selling off the assets and firing workers. Eventually declaring bankruptcy in 2012. And by  2012 the company had a Rochester workforce of 1,600 employees. A well run family owned company stripped by pirates……

So, it was very odd when Mr Trump announced he was giving the “new” Kodak a loan of more than a quarter of a billion dollars. ($ 765,000,000 to be exact) .This money is coming from the Defense Production Act. Now, you may ask why the president is giving a loan to a failed camera and film making company. Do we need more film? Of course not……

This money is not going to produce film. It is going to a “start up” company. Kodak, stripped of assets and recently driven into bankruptcy, is being given taxpayer supplied loans to start a pharmaceutical company. A drug making company. Because one thing we need is more drug making companies. And what better candidate for a drug start up than a bankrupted film company?…..

In the middle of a hurricane is the best time to start up an umbrella company. Don’t invest in companies already set up to produce new and better umbrellas. Nope. Find a company that used to make napkins. But went broke making napkins. And give them a loan to try to figure out how to make umbrellas……

There is more to the story. Kodak, which was temporarily thrown off the NY Stock Exchange is back on. And for the entire month of July Kodak stock was stable at about $2.10 a share. And trading was anywhere between 70,000-200,000 or so shares a day. But then. WHAM. On Monday (the day BEFORE Trump’s announcement) there was an unexplained jump in Kodak trading. On Friday there were 75,000 shares traded and on Thursday about 80,000 shares traded……

But on Monday, before Mr Trump’s announcement, there were 1,600,000 shares traded and the stock price went through the roof. By the time Wednesday rolled around shares had increased by over 300%. Somebody had an excellent crystal ball! Good timing!…..

So, we have a bankrupt film manufacturing company that gets a massive loan to start a drug business in the middle of a pandemic.  And somebody had the foresight to buy up a whole lot of stock…..

Get the picture?…..

https://www.facebook.com/JohnKuckoDigital/posts/the-kodak-bonus-for-many-years-generations-even-this-week-in-march-was-like-a-na/2273044476299429/

https://www.cnbc.com/2020/07/29/kodak-executive-chairman-addresses-jump-in-trading-activity-before-government-deal-was-announced.html

 

The Memory Genius.

I watched our commander-in-chief explain that he took a very tough mental exam last week . He passed with flying colors. He was proud. Unlike the SAT he did not pay anyone else to take this test, he took it himself.

Part of the test, besides knowing some animal shapes, was remembering words. Five words. And the Donald ACED it. He remembered 5 words. Even 5 minutes after first reading them. The doctors, according to Trump, “were very surprised”. VERY surprised.

Now, a couple years ago I took a short memory test with my doctor just to see how I was doing mentally speaking. (OK, keep quiet Dan and Jack). I did ok. I was able to remember things. My doctor was NOT surprised. So, I ask myself, why would Trump’s doctors (plural) be SURPRISED? Surprised that the president of the United States could remember 5 words.

Hmmmm. Using my many contacts in government I was able to find one of the doctors involved in the testing. Let’s call him Doctor J.

Me: Hello Dr. J. I want to ask you why you were SURPRISED that the president of the US was able to remember 5 words?

Dr. J: Not only remember 5 words, but also know the names of 3 animals. Let’s not forget that.

Me: But, wasn’t that expected?

Dr. J; Heavens no. We fully expected Mr Trump not to be able to recall anything. But for some reason his memory seems to be IMPROVING with age, instead of deteriorating. His big brain is actually remembering things better than from just 2 years ago.

Me: Well, that IS surprising. Myself, I have trouble remembering some things. And, if I recall correctly, I could remember events and other things better when I was younger. Or am I misremembering what I could remember because my memory is failing me? God, I am so confused.

Dr J: No. You are correct. Memory deteriorates in all human beings as they get older. Except ONE. Mr Trump.

Me: Well, sorry doc, but I don’t believe you. What proof do you have?

Dr J: I just use the Mueller Report. It is a good indication of the president’s memory. He was asked to submit in writing the answers to questions about specific meetings he had. About specific things he learned and when he learned them. Meetings from only about a year before. Events which he should have been able to easily recall.

Me: And?

Dr J: Well, he was unable to answer just about every memory question. For example, Mueller asked when Donald learned of the Trump Tower meeting with his campaign staff and the Russians. His answer:…”I have no recollection” and…”I do not recall”…

Me: Well, maybe that meeting slipped his mind. It happens.

Dr J: OK, except this. Here are his responses to other questions: “I have no recollection”… “I do not remember whether or not I spoke with Donald Trump, Jr.”….. ” I do not recall being aware”….  ” I have no recollection of being told….”…..   “I have no recollection of any particular conversation, when it occurred, or who the participants were….” ….”I do not recall being told…”  …”I do not recall discussing WikiLeaks with him (Roger Stone)”….. ” I do not recall any discussion of travel to Russia…”  ….”I do not remember Mr Manafort communicating to me…”…And it goes on and on.

Finally, there was a series of 12 questions about Mr Trump and Mr Flynn, Ambassador Kislyak, Eric Prince, Jared Kushner and others. For those 12 questions Mr Trump did not even give a response. So bad had his memory failed him!

Since Mr Trump was UNDER OATH and required to answer all questions to the best of his ability, you can see why we (the doctors) were SURPRISED at his cognitive awareness. Just 2 years earlier he could not remember a thing and all of a sudden he could name animals AND remember words. All the words.

We can only hope that when the man with the biggest brain finally lies in state that his family will donate the organ to science for further study. His ability to recover from such extensive memory loss is almost , dare I say, a MIRACLE.

Brain scientists would love to see what’s inside that amazing skull.

Me: Well, Dr J, I think I can say I speak for the majority of Americans when I say: Let’s hope that day comes soon.

https://www.politico.com/news/2020/07/23/trump-mental-fitness-cognitive-test-379622

https://apnews.com/98f22511be924ced895ce5c0bfedfe37