Investigating the Investigation

Look. Another SHINY thing to look at. Don’t look here, look there.

I recently had the opportunity to talk with my good buddy Bill Barr, the president’s lawyer. Er. I mean. The Attorney General of the US. The head of the Department of Justice.

I was curious about the new investigation into the old investigation into the Russian influence in the 2106 election to help Trump get elected.

Me: Hello , Billy boy. How’s it hanging.

Billy Barr: Hanging good. Lookin’ like we are on our way to put some folks in jail. Finally. Lock Her Up!

Me: So, what exactly are you investigating?

Billy: We are going after the fake Russian influence stories. Fake news. We intend to show that the Russians did not influence the election and that those who said so were criminals.

Me: Does that include the 2 year long Mueller probe and report?

Billy: As I said at the time, the Mueller Report completely exonerated the president. It showed there was no Russian collusion. No collusion. No collusion.

Me: So, if the Mueller Report exonerated Mr Trump, why are you investigating Russia again?

Belly: Let me be clear. No collusion. The Mueller Report was very clear . No collusion. So, for that reason we must investigate to find out why some people said there was collusion. Simple. No collusion.

Me: Ok. So, now you are investigating why the Mueller Report found no collusion. I thought the Mueller Report found at least 13 Russian agents involved in using the internet to influence the election in favor of Trump.

Billy: No. No No. You have it all wrong. Mueller found no evidence of any wrongdoing. And anyway, it would have been the DNC and the Ukraine, probably Biden and Obama, who were behind the anti-Hillary dirty tricks. Obvious.

Me: So, if you say Mueller found there  was no collusion or wrongdoing (not true, by the way), what are you investigating? If nothing wrong happened, what are you looking at?

Billy: CRIMES. Always looking at crimes. Possible crimes. We are investigating crimes.

Me: Well, specifically, what are the crimes you are investigating. I mean, when you investigate something you must have some idea or evidence that a crime was committed. So, what is the crime?

Billy: Wrong again. We have some information that a crime may have been committed. Who committed the crime? We will see. What was the crime? We don’t know yet. We need to find out if anyone committed a crime and then prosecute it. We have an idea that a crime was committed.

Me: So, you have a whistle blower who has accused someone of a possible crime?

Billy: Exactly. We have a whistle blower. Maybe . Maybe not. Who knows?

Me: Who is the whistle blower? What has he or she charged?

Billy: Oh no you don’t. We do not let anyone know who the whistle blower is. Top secret. Just like the fake Dems in the fake impeachment hearings. They won’t tell us the name of the whistle blower.

Me: OK. But the whistle blower you are talking about presented a written statement of exactly what he thought had happened based on his contacts. So, can we see the charges , in writing , of your whistle blower?

Billy: No. Top secret. Not only will we not divulge the name of the whistleblower, and I am not saying we have one. Maybe we do, maybe we don’t. We will also keep secret any criminal charges. After all, if you charge someone with a crime then they can deny it.

Me: So, you are investigating a crime but you don’t know what the crime was or who committed the crime? And anyone accused of the crime does not have the right to know what they are being accused of?

Billy: Exactly. Now you have finally figured it out. We will find the crime and when we find it we will share it with Fox and Friends. Then we will find out who committed the crime. This will completely exonerate the president from the charges that the Mueller Report already exonerated him from.

Me: Do you have any possible criminals in mind? I mean, anyone who is the focus of this new investigation into the investigation?

Billy: Let me just say this. SHE is in BIG trouble. Oh, yes. Lock Her UP. Also, there is a “person of color” who we are looking at. If I said his name you would recognize it. Lock Him Up. Lots of FBI and CIA agents who are members of the deep state. They will be spending some time in the barrel.

Me: Sounds like you already have your conclusions before you even investigate.

Billy: Well, why investigate a crime if there is no crime. We are investigating criminal activity to find criminal activity. Deep state. Lock Her Up. The president is above the law. Lynching. Lynching. Lynching….

Me: Ok, Billy. Let’s leave it there. Now, what about all the evidence that Trump withheld aid to the Ukraine and you refused to even investigate the whistle blower complaint?  And is it a very odd coincidence that your new investigation just happened to be publicized what Mr Trump is going to be impeached?

Billy: Look. Look. Shiny thing. Shiny thing. Don’t look here, look there.

The Barr Reports

I won’t go into the current Barr Report which proves without a doubt that the Mueller probe was a witch hunt. After all, the 440 pages show conclusively that there was no Russian interference and Trump is without blemish. So, I don’t even need to read the report. Barr has done that for me. I suggest you don’t read the report either. It is long and there aren’t any pictures. It will just confuse you.

So, that led me to do some research into previous Barr reports which many folks don’t know about. Here are a few I found that were authored by William Barr over the years..

Commission of Pearl Harbor Attack. 

“There is some evidence that an attack occurred on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. We cannot be certain who attacked the US forces or if, in fact, the attack rises to the level of an “act of war”. The most holy Emperor of Japan has rejected any responsibility for this act and the Japanese navy has likewise stated they have no idea about what happened. Some have even questioned whether such an attack ever took place. So, at this time I must conclude that Japan has been totally exonerated of any criminal activity.”

Moses and the Ten Commandments.

” I have investigated the stone carvings brought down the mountain by Moses. Evidence suggests these were given to Moses (a JEW) by god (aka Yahweh) himself. We cannot report to the public the entire Ten Commandments due to matters of national security. Also, it might hurt some people’s reputations. After months of review I am releasing the redacted version .

“I am the Lord thy god, thou shalt not have other gods before me

Thou shalt (redacted) kill.

Thou shalt ( redacted) commit adultery.

Honor thy father and (redacted).

Thou shalt (redacted) covet they neighbor’s wife.”

The Nazi Death Camps.

“There have been unconfirmed reports that Hitler and the Nazis engaged in the mass extermination of Jews in Germany. We have investigated these charges thoroughly and have come to the following conclusions.

First, Hitler, in his written responses to our questions, has said that he cannot recall any such death camps. He was asked a variety of questions about this and 36 times his memory failed him.He was not available for an actual interview because he was busy vacationing on the Polish border.

Second. There have been no victims coming forth claiming they were exterminated. A basic point of law is called corpus delicti.  If there is no body there can be no crime. It is true that there were a whole lot of ashes, but Hitler says he was just having bar-b-ques and we have no reason to doubt him.

Third. Even if there are death camps we have nothing tying them to Hitler. Just because a few of his underlings may or may not have engaged in wholesale murder that does not implicate the man who gave the orders. Especially since we have no emails from Hitler specifically calling for the death on any particular Jew.

Our conclusion. The Death Camp claims are fake news, A witch hunt by those trying to undermine der Fuhrer.”

The 9/11 Attacks.

“On September 11, 2001 two planes flew into the Twin Towers. That is an indisputable fact. Those planes were flown by citizens of Saudi Arabia. Some claim this was a “terrorist ” attack. Our investigation reaches a different conclusion.

We have concluded that planes were flown into the WTC by accident. First, at no time did the Saudi government claim they were behind the attack. In fact, they were so upset by the attack that members of the Royal Family of Saudi Arabia flew out of the US despite the grounding of all other commercial and private aircraft.

Also, since we were not allowed to interview the ALLEGED terrorists we have no way of knowing their “state of mind”. And “state of mind” is essential for proving a criminal act.

Furthermore , since these pilots had no experience flying big commercial jets it is quite probable that they simply lost control of the aircraft and had no intention of flying into the buildings. Some accounts suggest that thousands of Muslims were in New Jersey watching the planes as part of a planned airshow and actually cheered when they hit the buildings. This leads us to consider that the entire situation may have been one big mistake. No, there is no evidence of collusion. ”

Obama Born in Kenya.

“We have investigated the claim that Obama may have been born in Kenya and so was an illegitimate president.

Consider, two newspapers reported his birth in Hawaii. Also, a hospital and doctor documented his birth. His mother was in Hawaii and is registered as the birth mother. There is no evidence of him being born anywhere else. The Hawaiian government has released certified copies of his birth certificate. Members of the press have visited Hawaii and viewed the original documents.

On the other hand, someone put out an email and claimed Obama was born in Kenya.

Our conclusion: Based on the evidence we conclude that Obama, was, in fact, born in Kenya. we come to this conclusion based on two factors. He is black, as are many Kenyans. Also, President Trump has said Obama was born in Kenya. That’s good enough for me.”