Bartender: Ok, Mack, closing time in 15 minutes.
Guy at the end of the Bar ( GAEOB): (slightly slurring his speech) What a bunch of BS. I paid for my friken drinks. Dammit. One more thing. Didj all see the Bears game?
No one responds.
GAEOB : Stupid coach. He calls a running play on 2nd and one. How’s stupid is dat? He don’t know nuttin. I am smarter than all dem coaches. Pass da ball. Always pass da ball.
Tom (somewhat sober patron sitting at the bar): Yah, but they made the first down and won the game, didn’t they?
GAEOB: Bunch of baloney. I know more than dem coaches. Smarter than all of em. And anudder thing. Build the dam wall. Keep out the Mexicans and the terrorists. A nice big beautiful wall. Dat’s what I say. I got a fence in my yard. You don’t see no terrorists in my yard.
Bartender: Almost closing time, buddy.
GAEOB: Tell ya anudder thing. Those damn Chinese. Don’t talk to me about the Chinese. They cheat. I say, bomb em. Put up tariffs. That’ll teach em.
Tom: But that just makes the things we buy more expensive for us.
GAEOB: Bull- looney. I say don’t buy the Chinese stuff. I never buy Chinese food. Just don’t buy the stuff. I say, shop at Walmart and the Dollar Store. That’ll teach em. Watch em start crawling to us . On their knees. That’ll show the Chinese. And the Japs, too. I say only buy American food. Period. Stop buying chopsticks.
Bartender: OK, bud, you got 5 minutes.
GAEOB: Then there is ISIS. We defeated ISIS. ALL over. All dead. Just like we defeated Iran.
Tom: ISIS is still around. Tens of thousands of them. All over the Middle East and Africa.
GAEOB: Fake news. ISIS is gone. Done. I wiped them out. Another thing. No global warming. No icecaps melting. All fake news. I know more than the scientists. You wanna win a war. Call on me. I know more than the generals.
Tom: Uh… the scientists, highly educated, have studied these problems for years. And the generals have years of training, education and experience. You know more than them.
GAEOB: Bet your hooters I do. Smarter than all of them. They don’t know nuttin. And all dem darkies on welfare. I say make em work. Nobody gets somethin for nuttin. I know. Tired of all the freeloaders. I get my disability check every month. And my Social Security check. You don’t see me freeloading.
Bartender: OK. Time’s up, old timer. Time to go. the bar is closed.
GAEOB: And anudder thing. The women love me. Love it when I grab em. I am the best, I tell you, the best. I never even met Cohen. Who is Manafort? No Trump Tower. No Trump Tower. Fake. All fake. No collusion! Lock Her Up. Mexico will pay….Lock Her Up!!!
Bartender (on the phone): Yep…uh huh…he got out again…PLEASE send the Secret Service over and tell them to keep a closer tab on this guy. While we are talking tabs…he owes me for 2 years…what…sue me? He’s bankrupt again? I should just charge it to the Treasury?
And so goes the Guy At the End OF the Bar.
And we will pick up the tab.
