The End of Parody

I like to try to write parody. But lately I find myself unable to compete with “reality”. It is extremely frustrating to try to outdo the current bunch of loonies masquerading as normal folks. For example. A brief summary of what the CPAC and their loons find essential to our nation. I should note that at the first day of CPAC no one mentioned the Covid relief needed by Americans. Unemployment. War. All non-issues to the major conservative “thinkers”.

The Muppets. Evidently the Muppets are somehow central to the right wing philosophy. I recall in the past that the conservatives hated the Muppets for “indoctrinating” our children with political correctness, like diversity. But no longer. According to CPAC, the Muppets have been cancelled.

For some reason Disney, which now owns the Muppets, saw fit to issue a “warning” that some of the Muppet shows may deal with stereotyping. So, this warning , according to CPAC , means the Muppets are victims of “cancel culture”. I am sure Miss Piggy will not take this sitting down.

For sake of full disclosure, Disney put forth the same warnings on “the Aristocrats”, “Swiss Family Robinson”, “Peter Pan” and “Dumbo”.

So, this little disclaimer is one of the major issues at CPAC. I am not sure who is harmed by this disclaimer. I mean, we are talking about the Muppets. It is possible that the CPAC members don’t understand that the Muppets are not real people. The live their entire non-existent lives as colorful pieces of cloth with human hands manipulating their hands and arms and with a hand stuck up their butts. They have no brains. They have no independent motions… Oh, wait. I just figured out why the Trump supporting CPAC members find this offensive.

Then there is the strange case of Mr Potato Head. The demise of Mr Potato Head by Hasbro is, according to CPAC, another example of the skid of our society into the depths of despair. Canceling this American icon is tantamount to blowing up the sculpture of Lincoln on Mount Rushmore. The final example of political correctness gone amok. How dare the liberals, in the name of gender equality, throw spud into the fire? How dare Hasbro to make a hash out of national icon? The horror! Oh God! Au Gratin!

OK, so Hasbro did not really turn Mr Potato Head into fries. What Hasbro did was change their own logo from “MR.” Potato Head to just “Potato Head”. That’s it. A private company changed with the times. Mr Potato Head is still around, as is Mrs. Potato Head and even Baby Potato Head. Still, the major conservative political organization is outraged by this. This is a major issue !

I recall Mr Potato Head from my youth. I have always found him(?) to be strangely gender neutral. Being a curious youth and a more curious adult and a potato grower myself I have tried for years to identify the gender of Yukon Gold and Norland. To no avail. Search as I might, I have never been able to locate a penis or vagina on any spud. And believe me I have tried. Which makes me wonder. Is Mrs Potato Head simply a transvestite? A transgender veggie? Have our children been victimized for years by this liberal plot to make us immune to the realities of sexually ambiguous vegetables? At least cucumbers leave no doubt about sexual orientation.

Finally, PAC rolled out the parody of all parodies. The Golden Ass statute of their god. The Golden Trump. Complete with patriot red, white and blue panties. An icon worthy of worship. This organization devoted to personal freedom and independence bowing down to the golden icon of the golden con. The golden wheeler dealer on wheels. A false god worthy of worship by false conservatives.

At first I was certain this statue was a liberal trick. A joke meant to poke fun at the CPAC worship of the most anti-freedom former president since James Buchanan. Certainly this would exposed as an Al Franken stunt or a SNL skit. An obviously foolish jibe at the brainless, mindless followers of the Golden Khan.

But no. The golden statue is real. The complaints about the puppets are real. The outrage over the naming of a vegetable toy is real.

The end of parody. How do you top that?

Contestant #7: Carly, We Hardly Know Ye and Never Will

Part of an ongoing series of biased reports about the increasingly humorous group of people who think they have the qualifications to be President of the United States. This is not a joke. Really. They do.

Carly Fiorina.

Let me start with this. Most. Actually ALL the other candidates have well organized websites. You can click on a link to their “issues” section. And even if they are vague and sometimes silly you can actually read what their ideas are.

Not so with Carly. While she did run a computer company (into the ground) her website lacks the most basic political information. Like. What do you stand for? What do you believe in? What do you want to do?

Since she has never held public office we have no record of her votes, speeches in Congress, etc. So, we depend heavily if not exclusively on her own website.  Nada. Nothing. See:

http://carlyforamerica.com/meet-carly/

Well, you can MEET Carly. You can DONATE. You can VOLUNTEER. And there is a “NEWS” section. But nothing on her goals, ideas, plans, etc. In her “news” section she does criticize those who have criticized her. And she tries to make a case that she was a great CEO. Even though she was fired. So, I guess we will go with that.

Carly says that in her tenure at HP she created thousands of jobs. Others say she fired or laid off between 15,000 and  30,000 employees.

Carly says that when she took over HP had revenue of about $45 billion and she DOUBLED it’s worth to almost $90 billion.

Carly says that when she started at HP there were 84,000 employees and they almost DOUBLED to over 140,000 employees by the time she left (was fired).

So. That’s it. That is her SOLE qualification for being President of the US. For dealing with ISIS. Russia. The vast social services bureaucracy. That, and the fact that she was chairman of CPAC, the radical right wing fundraising organization.

OK. Let’s look at her claims. The first year at HP she actually cut jobs. But, in 2002 there was a 60,000 person increase in employment ! Almost doubled in ONE year. And the revenues DID increase  to almost $90 billion by the time she left.  Sounds like she is a WIZARD! A real job creator, par excellence! So, why did they fire her?

Something peculiar happened in 2002. HP bought another company called Compaq. So, those new “jobs” were simply the additional Compaq employees. That new “revenue” was simply what happens when you combine two massive companies. These increases had nothing to do with management..they were BOUGHT. It was not the result of good old American know how…it was the result of a good old American MERGER.

So, Carly is being a bit devious when she touts her management skills. So, why DID they fire her.

According to figures from a book about her”success”:

“After the 2002 merger the company’s results suffered. Yes, Fiorina did double HP’s revenues by buying Compaq, but at what cost? Let’s take a look at the numbers. In 1999 when she arrived at the company, HP had $42 billion in sales and $3.1 billion in net earnings. When she left in 2005, HP had $87 billion in sales but only $2.4 billion in earnings.”

(Read more at http://wonkette.com/584307/did-carly-fiorina-run-hewlett-packard-into-the-ground-or-did-sexism-do-it#OcKe28B8eRJUr2le.99)

So, she took a company earning $3.1 billion a year, bought another company, and managed to make only $2.4 billion in profits by the time she left. A financial genius. This is her sole qualification to be the President of the United States.

Of all the losers on the GOP side Carly is the “losingest”. No issues. No experience. Fuzzy math. The only thing she has going for her is that she was a CEO . A failed CEO.

Contestant #7. GONG! You’re out.