Oh Captain, My Captain

Captain Don was steadfast and strong. He was the man in charge. He was the man in control. He was given control of the Titanic and he was doing it his way. The best way.

He inherited a crew of tried and true sailors. He fired them. Then he  hired the best crew and the best mates. Well. A whole bunch of them left so he hired some more. They left. So he hired more of the best men.

And off he sailed.

One day his first mate came to him and said. “Captain, my, captain, the best captain in the world. One of our crew has spotted an iceberg. On a collision course with the Titanic”

Captain Don replied. “Fake news. A hoax. There is no iceberg. Stay the course.”

A few hours later, the same mate came to Captain Don. ” Captain, my captain. The captain with the biggest brain in the world. The iceberg is closer now and we still have time to steer the ship to a different course. See, look to the north, you can see it in the distance.”

Captain Don peers to the north. His gaze is steady. His jaw juts out in defiance.

Captain Don speaks. ” That is no iceberg. It is an ice cube. See how tiny it is? How foolish you are. A hoax. Fake news. Such a tiny ice cube can do us no harm. Stay the course.”

A few hours later, the iceberg looms closer and closer.

The first mate. “Captain, my captain. The smartest, bravest captain  with the biggest brain. And best brain. The iceberg is going to hit us. We can not get out of the way. What should we do?”

Captain Don. ” Well, why didn’t we see the iceberg sooner? Where was the man in the crow’s nest. He must have been one of Barry’s men. A member of the Deep state. Out to get me.”

First mate. ” Oh captain, my captain. The sexiest, smartest most brilliant captain in the world. Actually it was your budget cuts that eliminated the man in the crow’s nest. The early warning system we used to have. What should we do?”

Captain Don. ” Put everyone in lifeboats. Time to evacuate.”

First mate. “We only have 20 lifeboats for 20,000 people. What shall we do?”

Captain Don. “What? Why so few boats. The former captain Barry refused to buy more boats? It is Barry’s fault. Damn him. Well, put me in a boat and find my friends. Get them in boats.”

First mate. “Captain my captain. The truth is that Captain Barry left you with plenty of boats. Actually  it was you who sold the lifeboats, cheap, to your friends in the boating industry. We had enough lifeboats. No longer.”

Captain Don. ” Lies. All lies. Fake news. Fake iceberg. I take no responsibility. Not my fault. Not my fault. Where is my lifeboat? I’m out of here. You’re in charge”

State of the Union 2019

Mr Trump, with permission from Nancy Pelosi, will be giving the State of the Union message on Tuesday. Many people will not be able to watch him because they have better things to do. Like watch reruns of Happy Days. Clean up some dog poop. Put on toe fungus ointment. The list is endless.

Have no fear. Due to my extensive contacts with the Deep State I have been able to obtain an early draft notes of Mr Trump’s address. A special thanks to Kelly Anne Convoy, who shall remain anonymous. Hopefully. So, as a public service, here are the preliminary notes to Donald’s address. These are only notes, so Mr Trump may or may not use them.

Card #1: Say hello to our troops. Best troops ever. Remind them of your military service . You wanted to go to war and we probably would have won the Vietnam war but your father’s doctor said : No way, not with those heels! Sad. Very sad. Don’t call Pelosi a bitch. If you do, she will nail your ass for the next 2 years. THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT. Don’t cross Pelosi. PLEASE.

Card#2: Best president ever. Best economy in the history of the world. Since time began in 4004 BC. Remind them they can’t impeach someone who is doing such a fantastic job. Finally America is respected by Russia after the failed Obama stuff. DON’T say he was born in Kenya. That one is no longer useful. Mention that Kamala Harris sounds like a foreign name to you. Maybe SHE was born in Kenya. Just saying. America for Americans. Remind them to lock her up. Lock her up.

Card#3: You are building the wall. Biggest wall ever. Everyone knows walls work. Obama has a wall around his house. Keeps out illegal rapists. WHAMMO That will wing em. You don’t need congress to build a wall. You already have the money, so you don’t need congress. Also, condemn the Democrats for not giving you wall money, even though you don’t need them to give you wall money. Make that clear. They refuse to give you what you don’t need. Also, remind them that Mexico has already paid for the wall. DONE deal ! The wall is built. As promised!

Card #4: Tell them how tough you are. You got North Korea to give up all their nukes. They have promised. Remind them that you know more than the stupid CIA that claims Kim is still building nukes. FAKE NEWS. Remind them that Obama never would talk with Kim, but you out dealed the dictator. No more nukes in Korea. You are the best president ever. (Tell them). Smarter than the CIA. Kim PROMISED. He promised. Gave his word.

Card #5: Remind them how Russia is a hoax. All of Russia. You never met Putin. No one in your campaign ever met Russians. You can’t even find Russia on a map. Can’t even find a map. You don’t even know who Putin is. Also, you now have the best relations with Russia ever. By far. And Putin says he never would do anything like SPY. Ridiculous. Fake news. Putin said so, too. He PROMISED he did nothing. So, there you have it. He was very strong when he said it. VERY STRONG! Tell them you could fire Mueller if you wanted to but you don’t want to. So there.

Card#6: Tell them how the unemployment is so low. Lowest ever. It is so low that there are no unemployed. Only the lazy illegal immigrants who come here for handouts. And they rape our white women. Especially the blonde ones. Instead of working, they rape. Everyone else has a great job. And everyone has health care, thanks to your health care plan. And the bridges are all fixed and all the potholes are gone. People say so. Remind them that people say so. Another promise fulfilled. Everyone has the best health care ever. Thanks to you.

Card#7: Remind them that you are the commander in chief. That means you have all the power. You could have come to the Congress and delivered the State of the Union anytime you wanted, but you didn’t want to until now. You can go to war anytime you want. Or Jared wants. Or Bolton wants. . Watch out Venezuela. And Iran. You will defeat them like you defeated ISIS. ISIS is no longer around. All gone. Fake news if anyone says anything else. ISIS is no more.

Card # 8: Don’t use the “n” word. THIS IS IMPORTANT. There are a lot of darkies on the Dem side and they will try to make a big deal out of it. Also, your true supporters know you are a racist, no need to remind them.

Card #9: Finish by saying God Bless America. This is of utmost importance. God…Bless…America. Remind them that you are the greatest Christian ever to be president. If you don’t remember anything else (which is a good bet) don’t forget the God Bless America line. It is better than Lock Her Up. Which reminds me. Tell them you do have the power to pardon all family members…and yourself. And you intend to do so. And there is nothing Nancy can do about it, so NYAHH, NYAHH.

 

So, if you miss the State of the Union, don’t worry. You read it here first. It is in safe hands. Of the greatest president ever!  God Bless America.

New Year Predictions 2018

This is the time of year when we think about the new year and what it will bring.  My new year predictions for 2018. While a couple might be a little off, I remain confident that my overall predictions will hold true.

The Cleveland Browns football team will be allowed to leave the NFL and play against selected college teams. While they do not fair well against Southeastern Virginia Disability Institute and the Outer Waco Texas Girls Ballet School the season is not a total loss. They will end up with a 1-11 record, having eked out a 3-0 victory over the Northern Idaho School for the Blind.

Robert Mueller’s third cousin on his mother’s side, 12 year old Cynthia Woggles,  will be investigated by a Congressional Committee headed by Trent Gowdy. The investigation, which will cost $ 7,000,000 and the calling of 98 witnesses, all of whom are commentators on Fox and Friends, will discover that Woggles  voted for Hillary Clinton in her 6th grade mock election in 2016.  (Not to be confused with the national mock election held the same year) Mr Trump will use this evidence of bias to fire the Republican Mueller. In  his place Mr Trump will appoint Roy Moore to take over the investigation. Moore immediatley calls Woggles for a play date.

Major League baseball will announce that after a study of fan injuries at 6 ballparks they have discovers 14 fans who had died during the game. At first the cause of the deaths was a mystery, since none of these fans were hit by foul balls or bats. Medical examiners confirm that these deaths can be attributed to a cerebral shutdown of the inner brain, caused by intense boredom.

The US will recognize the following new capitals. Scotland. Former capital: Edinburgh. New capital: Trump International Golf Links.  China. Former capital: Beijing, Forbidden City. New capital: Shanghai, Ivanka Shoe Factory.  Iran. Former capital: Tehran. New capital: Jersusalem.  USA. Former capital: Washington, DC. New capital: Mar-A-Lago, Florida. Congress passes a law concuring.

FEMA will announce, sometime in June, that they have devised a plan to bring power back to Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico has not had full electric power resumed since Hurricane Maria in September, 2017. Despite the fact that the FEMA response was the “best response ever” to a catastrophe (a close second being the FEMA response to Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans) . The new plan calls for running an extension cord from Merida, Mexico to the island to bring power back on line to the millions of foreigners living in Puerto Rico.  As long as Mexico agrees to pay for the cord.

The 1st Annual Scott Pruitt “Global Warming is a Hoax” seminar takes place in a yacht named “The Golden Dollar” off the coast of Charleston, South Carolina in July. Guest speakers include climate experts Sean Hannity, Clint Eastwood’s empty chair and the entire Duck Dynasty family. The conference is cut short when a family of polar bears swims past searching for ice.

In the Vatican, Pope Francis is caught on mike saying that he thinks “this god stuff is a bunch of BS”. Nevertheless,  he speaks out against war, violence, disease, global warming and hatred. He calls on all government leaders of the world to join in peace and harmony. No one calls back.When asked what common people should do to solve these problems he answers: “I tell you, I’m all outta ideas. Reality sucks so you might as well pray to a fantasy. Gets ME through the day.”

The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl, 17-14, on February 4 in a thriller over the Philadelphia Eagles. The Eagles have 7 TDs called back by the replay officials in NY, who are nowhere near the actual location of the game in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Days later it is discovered that the league officials in NY had mistakenly been watching the replays of the Bournemouth vs. Stoke City English Premier League soccer match of February 3, in which no one scored. As usual.

Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke announces the closing of all National Parks, except for Mount Rushmore. All parks will be sold to the Koch Brothers at a deep discount and the proceeds, which are tax deductible, will be spent renovating Mount Rushmore. The faces of Teddy Roosevelt, George Washington , Thomas Jefferson and Abe Lincoln will be sandblasted away to make room for giant head of Donald Trump, surrounded by his three wives. The monument will be renamed: Best Monument Ever. Congress concurs.

On a strict liberal vs. conservative vote the Supreme Court approves Executive Order 5,678 on the topic of voting rights. Since the court had previously ruled , under Citizens United, that money equals speech, they extend that ruling to include voting. Under the new ruling “money equals voting”, as well. Based on the principle of “one dollar equals one vote” the 2018 election will be determined by a new voting method. Every citizen must bring in their tax returns to show their gross income from wages and investments. Each dollar will count as one vote.

North Korean leader, professional golfer and all around bozo Kim Jung Un  announces a new building plan. He has signed an agreement with Trump University to open up a “Kim-Donald School For Learning Stuff” in Pyongyang. The school will focus on business related seminars including: How to Get Stuff  For Free; 12 Ways to Evict “Those People”; Tax Evasion 101: Avoiding Those Nasty Import Fees; and, Bankruptcy, The Real Estate Developers Best Friend. Eric Trump attends the ribbon cutting ceremony which is a disaster as none of the Korean made scissors are sharp enough to cut the paper ribbon. Eric calls the “Kim-Donald “school  the “best university ever” and announces at the same time that the US will begin selling nuclear technology to Kim as a gesture of good will.

Finally. Congress votes itself a 50% pay raise for a “job well done”. The legislative branch passed a total of three bills. They were: 1. “The Amazing Trump is the Best President Ever” bill awarding the Trump Medal of MAGA to the best person in America. This year’s recipient? Donald Trump. 2. “The FBI Traitor” law. Which labels all members of the FBI, former and current, official “enemies of the people” and subject to immediate permanent detention and prosecution for doing “bad stuff”. Mueller is the first to be perp walked. 3. “Congressional Vacation Act” which allows Congress to take a vacation for a period including January 2 through December 30, with pay and expenses for fact finding travel.  Mr Trump signed all three bills and praised Congress for their services… which will no longer be necessary.