Should we negotiate with terrorists? I mean, if a Mooslim takes a hostage and then makes an demand, should we agree to those demands? Is that smart? Or does that just encourage other bad actors to take more hostages?
Which brings me to my friend Dward Farqward, who was holed up in the Third National Bank here in Monkey Valley, Arkansas. Now, since I knew Dward from our mutual work on the “Bullets for Bunnies” program , he agreed to let me into the bank to talk.
Me: Hey, Dward. I am here with the police and SWAT team and they want you to send out your hostages and surrender.
Dward: Well, I can deal. Here’s my conditions. I get to keep all the money from I stole from the bank, am guaranteed a private plane to the Seeshell Islands and a Cleveland Browns authentic football signed by Lou Gehrig.
Me: Well, Dward. I don’t think they will agree with all that. Maybe I can get them to lessen some charges.
Dward: Nope. My way or I will shut this bank down for as long as it takes. I feel bad for the hostages and the folks can’t access their money. But it is not MY fault. I am willing to negotiate.
Me: Well, Dward, the thing is. You created this mess by robbing the bank in the first place.
Dward: I needed money. What was I supposed to do?
Me: Did you ask for a loan? Talk with the bank about a line of credit?
Dward: WHAT? That would have been a sign of weakness! What if they would not give me EVERYTHING I wanted? It would have been humiliating. Besides. I had a gun. So, I have my rights. 2nd Amendment.
Me: But Dward. You are hurting so many people. And there really is no way out for you. Eventually you will have to give yourself up.
Dward: Not a chance. I have 20 hostages. Let em starve. Then the police will come crawling on their knees. This is not my fault. If the SWAT team had stayed out of this I could have been on my way by now. Don’t try to put this on me.
Me: But Dward, you are the one with the gun. You are the one with the unreasonable demands.
Dward: No. This is what the American people want. They want me to keep these hostages. They want me to take the money. They want me to demand a plane to the Seashells. Not my fault. Not my fault.
Me: Well, Dward, this is not going to end well. Either hostages will die or you will. You cannot just take the law in your hands.
Dward: As long as I have the hostages, I AM the law. Those are my demands. Take em or watch the blood flow.
After all the hostages were executed by Dward he gave himself up. His attorney, Rudy Giuliani , is pleading “insanity”. Not for Dward. For himself.
Dward is happy. He made his point. And 34% of Americans have donated to a GoFundMe Account named: Dollars For Dward, Our Homegrown Terrorist.