Acceptance Speech Dilemma

Mr Trump, who has not allowed any opposition within the GOP to his nomination, has to decide where to make his acceptance speech. According to news sources has has narrowed down his choices to the White House and Gettysburg. Two of the most important sites in US history.

However, I have learned though White House sources that these are not the only two places under consideration. The White House brain trust of Donald Junior, Ivanka, Jeb the night janitor and Bobo the One Eyed chimp are looking at other options and their pros and cons. They have formed a committee to investigate the possible itinerary for the speech, the Committee to Investigate Territory Now, (Comintern). I was able to speak with the most articulate member of the Committee, Bobo just last night.

Me: Hi Bobo. So, have a banana. What can you tell me about the possible speech sites?

Bobo: Hoot..hoot…hoot. (Through our interpreter, Jane) We have good sites. Many good sites.

Me: For example, what is on your list?

(Note : For simplification the rest of Bobo’s account will eliminate his actual words or hoots. They are the words of the Interpreter. Also, for clarification, Bobo did consume 3 bunches of bananas during the process)

Bobo: First thought was Mount Rushmore. Maybe taking a jack hammer to Lincoln to make room for a carving of the best president ever. Imagine. Donald Trump making the speech below a massive carving of Donald Trump. It boggles.

Me: So, what else?

Bobo: Then we thought, well, this was Ivanka’s idea, maybe fly to China. Have a great photo op in one of Ivanka’s purse factories. Donald could be surrounded by smiling faces of happy kids . Happy because they have a 30 minute break (unpaid, of course). But Xi would not agree. So that got nixed.

Me: So, other options?

Bobo: We tossed around the idea of Florida. Anywhere in Florida. At any hospital. Donald would go into a Covid-19 ICU and spray the patients with Clorox bleach. Show some real leadership fighting the pandemic. But no hospital would give us permission. Something about the Hippocratic Oath. Guess there are a lot of hypocrites in Florida.

Me: So, that one went down the tubes. Any other possibilities?

Bobo: Donald Junior suggested a golf course. One of Trump’s own golf courses. What symbolizes a connection with the white working class better than a country club? Donald would drive out in a gold plated golf cart onto the first tee. He would be followed by Pence in a silver plated golf cart. Pence would lie down on the tee box, balance a golf ball on his nose and Donald would smack it into the fairway. Then, they would ride down to the green of the first hole, Pence always 5 lengths behind Donald. Donald would drive his cart right up to the hole, lean down and take out a golden golf ball with MAGA emblazoned on it. Then give the best speech ever. We had a minor problem when we practiced this one. Pence is still recovering at Walter Reed hospital. Thank god for Obamacare.

Me: Well, Bobo, I hate to say it, but you guys really haven’t come up with much.

Bobo: Think not? You haven’t heard our back up emergency plan.

Me: Emergency plan?

Bobo: Yep, if Donald keeps dropping in the polls. And if the Manhattan district attorney gets a hold of Trump’s tax returns. We will fly the entire family along with Roger Stone and Bill Barr to the Kremlin. Kindly ask permission for an audience with Donald’s boss. Then the Donald will drop to his knees and deliver his farewell address at the feet of Vlad. It’s the last resort, of course. But certainly an option.

Me: Well, if that happens there will be a lot of angry Americans. And even more happy ones.

Bobo: No kidding. One thing for sure. Once we land in Moscow, they will never see Air Force One again. Pass that banana over here, would ya?

 

Trump dictionary…I is for

I. I . Best word in the English language. I am the best president ever. I don’t say that, but other people say that about I. I have done more than FDR, Lincoln and Reagan all in one year, that’s what they say about I. I don’t say that. Nobel Prize for I. I don’t say that. Other people say that about I. I. I .I.

Illegal. Mexican rapists. Salvadoran rapists. M16 gang members. Some are very young. Like 3 months old. Almost babies. Sad. They start raping at such a young age. Very sad. Not all. Just most. Some say Melanie is illegal. FALSE. She was a model. She did not come across the mountains from Mexico. She used to be a real knock out. Like Ivanka.

Immigration. Awful stuff. Terrible. Who are these people coming into my country. I was never an immigrant. No one in my family was ever an immigrant. I would send them all back. Back to Africa.

Immoral. Never heard that word. Fake word.

Investigation. Fake investigation. Spygate. Wait. Spygate is real. Mueller is fake. No indictments. No collusion.  All investigations are fake. Never should happen. Let’s investigate Hillary ! Lock her up.

Iran. Terrible country. Worst country on earth. No more nuclear deals with Iran. Many muslims in Iran.

Ireland. Fantastic country. They just banned all abortions. Fantastic job. Beautiful people. Many Irish in Ireland. Blarney Stone. Great stone. Very famous stone.

Israel. Fantastic country. Moved the embassy to Jerusalem. People said it couldn’t be done. I did it. Record time. Fantastic. Many Jews in Israel. Some people say Israel started as a Jewish nation. I don’t know. Time will tell.

Ivanka. WOW. What a beauty. If she wasn’t my daughter. Believe me. She is hot, hot , hot. Lucky Jared. Also very brilliant. She is amazing. See how she dresses? Very classy dresser. The best. WOW. That’s what people say.

(Feel free to add your own)

The Strange Case of Oleg Bullshitsikov

I was called last week by one of my Russian friends who lives in Siberia. His name is Oleg Bullshitsikov and he resides in the village of Nunsensitova located deep in the taiga.

For those of you who slept through your 9th grade Social Studies class the “taiga” is the vast forestland of eastern Russia. It stretches for 5,800 kilometers across Russia. It is the largest forest in the world, the single largest biome on the face of the Earth. It’s really, really big.

Now, I haven’t heard from Oleg since his failed attempt in 2013 to host the Russian version of Miss Wild Forest in Siberia. He was out bid by 13 rubles by Donald Trump who now holds the rights in Russia to Miss Taiga, Miss Tundra and Little Miss Putin beauty contests. But that is a different story.

Oleg was fuming. He was pissed off . He was as confused as a Trump supporter in a third grade science class. . He was insulted. I recorded his call to me. Here it is, word for word.

Me: Oleg, what the weather like , comrade?

Oleg:  Gloomy. Gloomy. Gloomy. This is Russia. Always gloomy. But especially gloomy for me.

Me: What is the problem, Oleg? Why so sad?

Oleg: Sad , yes. And mad, yes. Both sad and mad.

Me: So, talk to me , my friend. What is wrong?

Oleg: Let me give you some names. Then I will tell you. Here some some names. Sergey Kislyak. Russians “diplomat”. Big ties to Trump and the GOP. Gazprom. Energy company with ties to Tillerson. Igor Sechkin, president of Russian owned energy company, Rosneft. All have direct ties to Donald Trump. Direct ties. No middle man.

Me: So, what is the problem with that?

Oleg: Wait, I am not done. There is more. RIT, Russian propaganda station. GRU, Russian intelligence agency. Both connected to Mike Flynn. Also connected to Carter Page. Also connected to Julian Assange and Wikileaks. Leaked anti-Clinton emails.  Another connection to Trump.

Me: So, what is your point, Oleg?

Oleg: Wait. Wait. I am not done. Dmitry Firtash, Ukrainian oligarch. Victor Yanukovych, former Ukrainian president. Oleg Deripaska, Ukrainian oligarch. Konsatntin Kilimnik, Ukrainian associated with the Russian GRU. All connected to Manafort. Manafort was Trump’s campaign chairman. Another connection to Trump.

Me: Yes, well, seems to be a few connections with oligarchs and Russians and Trump. But, what is your point?

Oleg: Wait. Wait. I am not done. Consider this. Aras Agalarov, builds lots of building in Russia for Putin. Sergei Millian, head of Russian chamber of commerce. Alfa Bank, biggest private  bank in Russia. Fedor Emelianenko, a big star in Russia. All of these guys are friends of Putin and have done business with Trump. Lots of Russian connections to Trump for many years.

Me: OK, so, I still don’t see why you are so upset, Oleg. What is the problem?

Oleg: Wait. Wait, my friend. I am not done. Fabian Baussart and Randa Kassis, who wanted to give Putin the Nobel Peace Prize for his peaceful work in Syria. Roman and Dasha Abramovich, oligarchs and friends of Vladimir Putin. All have ties to Donald Trump Junior or Ivanka Trump. So many Russian connections to the Trump family businesses. So many.

Me: Still don’t see where you are going with this, Oleg.

Oleg: Wait. There is more. Yevgeniy Prigozhin, Mikhail Bystrov, Mikhail Burchik, Aleksandra, Kirylova, Anna Bogecheva, Sergey Polozov, Maria Bovda, Robert Bovda, Jay Aslanov, Vadim Podkopaev, Gleb Vasilchencko, Irina Kaverzina, Vladimir Venkov. All these Russians indicted by the US government. Why? For helping Donald Trump win the election.  You think they did this for free? For nothing. We are Russians. We do nothing for nothing.

Me: OK. So, Oleg, why so angry?

Oleg: Why so angry? Where is my cut? Why was I not allowed in on this scheme? What did I do to deserve this? Am I the only man in Russia who is not on the payroll of Trump? Outrageous. Despicable! Un-Russian. I am just a poor Russian who could use a few more rubles. Donald. Do you hear me? I have some tundra near the North Pole I can sell you you real cheap? Donald, help me. I am for sale!

Me: OK , Oleg. Sorry you are out of the Trump loop. Hang in there. 2020 is not that far away and I am sure there will be plenty of new opportunities coming your way.

Oleg: Farewell my friend. Gloomy. So gloomy. Always gloomy in Mother Russia. Next time you see Michael Cohen please mention my name. OK , comrade?

 

https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/03/connections-trump-putin-russia-ties-chart-flynn-page-manafort-sessions-214868

 

https://www.scpr.org/news/2018/02/16/80839/13-russian-nationals-charged-in-mueller-investigat/

New Year Predictions 2018

This is the time of year when we think about the new year and what it will bring.  My new year predictions for 2018. While a couple might be a little off, I remain confident that my overall predictions will hold true.

The Cleveland Browns football team will be allowed to leave the NFL and play against selected college teams. While they do not fair well against Southeastern Virginia Disability Institute and the Outer Waco Texas Girls Ballet School the season is not a total loss. They will end up with a 1-11 record, having eked out a 3-0 victory over the Northern Idaho School for the Blind.

Robert Mueller’s third cousin on his mother’s side, 12 year old Cynthia Woggles,  will be investigated by a Congressional Committee headed by Trent Gowdy. The investigation, which will cost $ 7,000,000 and the calling of 98 witnesses, all of whom are commentators on Fox and Friends, will discover that Woggles  voted for Hillary Clinton in her 6th grade mock election in 2016.  (Not to be confused with the national mock election held the same year) Mr Trump will use this evidence of bias to fire the Republican Mueller. In  his place Mr Trump will appoint Roy Moore to take over the investigation. Moore immediatley calls Woggles for a play date.

Major League baseball will announce that after a study of fan injuries at 6 ballparks they have discovers 14 fans who had died during the game. At first the cause of the deaths was a mystery, since none of these fans were hit by foul balls or bats. Medical examiners confirm that these deaths can be attributed to a cerebral shutdown of the inner brain, caused by intense boredom.

The US will recognize the following new capitals. Scotland. Former capital: Edinburgh. New capital: Trump International Golf Links.  China. Former capital: Beijing, Forbidden City. New capital: Shanghai, Ivanka Shoe Factory.  Iran. Former capital: Tehran. New capital: Jersusalem.  USA. Former capital: Washington, DC. New capital: Mar-A-Lago, Florida. Congress passes a law concuring.

FEMA will announce, sometime in June, that they have devised a plan to bring power back to Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico has not had full electric power resumed since Hurricane Maria in September, 2017. Despite the fact that the FEMA response was the “best response ever” to a catastrophe (a close second being the FEMA response to Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans) . The new plan calls for running an extension cord from Merida, Mexico to the island to bring power back on line to the millions of foreigners living in Puerto Rico.  As long as Mexico agrees to pay for the cord.

The 1st Annual Scott Pruitt “Global Warming is a Hoax” seminar takes place in a yacht named “The Golden Dollar” off the coast of Charleston, South Carolina in July. Guest speakers include climate experts Sean Hannity, Clint Eastwood’s empty chair and the entire Duck Dynasty family. The conference is cut short when a family of polar bears swims past searching for ice.

In the Vatican, Pope Francis is caught on mike saying that he thinks “this god stuff is a bunch of BS”. Nevertheless,  he speaks out against war, violence, disease, global warming and hatred. He calls on all government leaders of the world to join in peace and harmony. No one calls back.When asked what common people should do to solve these problems he answers: “I tell you, I’m all outta ideas. Reality sucks so you might as well pray to a fantasy. Gets ME through the day.”

The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl, 17-14, on February 4 in a thriller over the Philadelphia Eagles. The Eagles have 7 TDs called back by the replay officials in NY, who are nowhere near the actual location of the game in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Days later it is discovered that the league officials in NY had mistakenly been watching the replays of the Bournemouth vs. Stoke City English Premier League soccer match of February 3, in which no one scored. As usual.

Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke announces the closing of all National Parks, except for Mount Rushmore. All parks will be sold to the Koch Brothers at a deep discount and the proceeds, which are tax deductible, will be spent renovating Mount Rushmore. The faces of Teddy Roosevelt, George Washington , Thomas Jefferson and Abe Lincoln will be sandblasted away to make room for giant head of Donald Trump, surrounded by his three wives. The monument will be renamed: Best Monument Ever. Congress concurs.

On a strict liberal vs. conservative vote the Supreme Court approves Executive Order 5,678 on the topic of voting rights. Since the court had previously ruled , under Citizens United, that money equals speech, they extend that ruling to include voting. Under the new ruling “money equals voting”, as well. Based on the principle of “one dollar equals one vote” the 2018 election will be determined by a new voting method. Every citizen must bring in their tax returns to show their gross income from wages and investments. Each dollar will count as one vote.

North Korean leader, professional golfer and all around bozo Kim Jung Un  announces a new building plan. He has signed an agreement with Trump University to open up a “Kim-Donald School For Learning Stuff” in Pyongyang. The school will focus on business related seminars including: How to Get Stuff  For Free; 12 Ways to Evict “Those People”; Tax Evasion 101: Avoiding Those Nasty Import Fees; and, Bankruptcy, The Real Estate Developers Best Friend. Eric Trump attends the ribbon cutting ceremony which is a disaster as none of the Korean made scissors are sharp enough to cut the paper ribbon. Eric calls the “Kim-Donald “school  the “best university ever” and announces at the same time that the US will begin selling nuclear technology to Kim as a gesture of good will.

Finally. Congress votes itself a 50% pay raise for a “job well done”. The legislative branch passed a total of three bills. They were: 1. “The Amazing Trump is the Best President Ever” bill awarding the Trump Medal of MAGA to the best person in America. This year’s recipient? Donald Trump. 2. “The FBI Traitor” law. Which labels all members of the FBI, former and current, official “enemies of the people” and subject to immediate permanent detention and prosecution for doing “bad stuff”. Mueller is the first to be perp walked. 3. “Congressional Vacation Act” which allows Congress to take a vacation for a period including January 2 through December 30, with pay and expenses for fact finding travel.  Mr Trump signed all three bills and praised Congress for their services… which will no longer be necessary.