The Memory Genius.

I watched our commander-in-chief explain that he took a very tough mental exam last week . He passed with flying colors. He was proud. Unlike the SAT he did not pay anyone else to take this test, he took it himself.

Part of the test, besides knowing some animal shapes, was remembering words. Five words. And the Donald ACED it. He remembered 5 words. Even 5 minutes after first reading them. The doctors, according to Trump, “were very surprised”. VERY surprised.

Now, a couple years ago I took a short memory test with my doctor just to see how I was doing mentally speaking. (OK, keep quiet Dan and Jack). I did ok. I was able to remember things. My doctor was NOT surprised. So, I ask myself, why would Trump’s doctors (plural) be SURPRISED? Surprised that the president of the United States could remember 5 words.

Hmmmm. Using my many contacts in government I was able to find one of the doctors involved in the testing. Let’s call him Doctor J.

Me: Hello Dr. J. I want to ask you why you were SURPRISED that the president of the US was able to remember 5 words?

Dr. J: Not only remember 5 words, but also know the names of 3 animals. Let’s not forget that.

Me: But, wasn’t that expected?

Dr. J; Heavens no. We fully expected Mr Trump not to be able to recall anything. But for some reason his memory seems to be IMPROVING with age, instead of deteriorating. His big brain is actually remembering things better than from just 2 years ago.

Me: Well, that IS surprising. Myself, I have trouble remembering some things. And, if I recall correctly, I could remember events and other things better when I was younger. Or am I misremembering what I could remember because my memory is failing me? God, I am so confused.

Dr J: No. You are correct. Memory deteriorates in all human beings as they get older. Except ONE. Mr Trump.

Me: Well, sorry doc, but I don’t believe you. What proof do you have?

Dr J: I just use the Mueller Report. It is a good indication of the president’s memory. He was asked to submit in writing the answers to questions about specific meetings he had. About specific things he learned and when he learned them. Meetings from only about a year before. Events which he should have been able to easily recall.

Me: And?

Dr J: Well, he was unable to answer just about every memory question. For example, Mueller asked when Donald learned of the Trump Tower meeting with his campaign staff and the Russians. His answer:…”I have no recollection” and…”I do not recall”…

Me: Well, maybe that meeting slipped his mind. It happens.

Dr J: OK, except this. Here are his responses to other questions: “I have no recollection”… “I do not remember whether or not I spoke with Donald Trump, Jr.”….. ” I do not recall being aware”….  ” I have no recollection of being told….”…..   “I have no recollection of any particular conversation, when it occurred, or who the participants were….” ….”I do not recall being told…”  …”I do not recall discussing WikiLeaks with him (Roger Stone)”….. ” I do not recall any discussion of travel to Russia…”  ….”I do not remember Mr Manafort communicating to me…”…And it goes on and on.

Finally, there was a series of 12 questions about Mr Trump and Mr Flynn, Ambassador Kislyak, Eric Prince, Jared Kushner and others. For those 12 questions Mr Trump did not even give a response. So bad had his memory failed him!

Since Mr Trump was UNDER OATH and required to answer all questions to the best of his ability, you can see why we (the doctors) were SURPRISED at his cognitive awareness. Just 2 years earlier he could not remember a thing and all of a sudden he could name animals AND remember words. All the words.

We can only hope that when the man with the biggest brain finally lies in state that his family will donate the organ to science for further study. His ability to recover from such extensive memory loss is almost , dare I say, a MIRACLE.

Brain scientists would love to see what’s inside that amazing skull.

Me: Well, Dr J, I think I can say I speak for the majority of Americans when I say: Let’s hope that day comes soon.

https://www.politico.com/news/2020/07/23/trump-mental-fitness-cognitive-test-379622

https://apnews.com/98f22511be924ced895ce5c0bfedfe37

 

 

Paul, Here’s the Good News

Mr Manafort. A call from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue:

Hi Paul. How are you doing today?  Got some real good news for you.  Looking good. Oh, still in the wheelchair? Sad. Very sad.

I can’t figure out why they put you in the slammer. 10 years of bilking the taxpayers? Big deal. Hiding millions in income to avoid paying your fair share of taxes? Come on, who doesn’t do that? I have been bilking the suckers for 40 years.

I feel bad for you. After all, if you had never worked on my campaign you might have never been caught. Seems to happen to a lot of folks who worked for me. A lot of my buddies seem to be in legal trouble. Wonder why? Just doing what I asked them to do. Was that wrong? Go figure.

So, one judge gave you only 3 and a half years. Not bad, big fella. Not bad. And this other judge only gave you 3 and a half more. Not a bad deal.

I mean, who wouldn’t trade a lifetime of cheating people and living  like a millionaire for a few years in the pokey at a country club prison? It’s not like you sold a couple ounces of marijuana. Now that will get you put away for a long time. You only cheated your fellow citizens.

Guess what , Paul. I have more real good news for you. Circle this date on your calendar. November 15, 2020.  And hang in there. You see, by then the election will be over. I will be free to start handing out pardons. And you kept your mouth shut. Just keep clammed up. Like a good soldier. Not a “rat” like Cohen.

On November 16, 2020 you will hop out (I presume you won’t need that wheelchair any longer) of the pen and into freedom. A full pardon, pardner.

Now, isn’t that good news?

Wait a minute. Hold on. Oh…. Well…. Uh. ….Golly gee.

Just saw a report on Fox and Fiends that you have been indicted for state crimes in New York. No problem. I will pardon those…what ? oh? Jared just told me I can’t pardon state crimes. BUMMER!  Wait a sec…uh, really? Can’t even pardon myself for state crimes? That don’t seem fair.

What good is being the top boss if you can’t pardon yourself? No collusion. No collusion.

Hey, Paul, you don’t think that the NY attorneys will go after my little business in the city, do you? Like my real estate deals? My Russia money connections? My “creative accounting” on my taxes.  That would be bad news.

Sorry, Paul, looks like a pardon won’t do the trick for you. Or me. Unless…. Jared has an idea.

We can get Donald Junior to run for governor of New York. If he wins, which he will since he is a Trump. Then he can pardon all of us. I better start working on that right now. No time to lose.

Gotta go, Paul. At least you look good in orange.

Hey, Jared, get me Vlad on the line . What time is it in Moscow, anyway?

 

The Guy At the End Of the Bar

Bartender: Ok, Mack, closing time in 15 minutes.

Guy at the end of the Bar ( GAEOB): (slightly slurring his speech) What a bunch of BS. I paid for my friken drinks. Dammit. One more thing. Didj all see the Bears game?

No one responds.

GAEOB : Stupid coach. He calls a running play on 2nd and one. How’s stupid is dat? He don’t know nuttin. I am smarter than all dem coaches. Pass da ball. Always pass da ball.

Tom (somewhat sober patron sitting at the bar): Yah, but they made the first down and won the game, didn’t they?

GAEOB: Bunch of baloney. I know more than dem coaches. Smarter than all of em. And anudder thing. Build the dam wall. Keep out the Mexicans and the terrorists. A nice big beautiful wall. Dat’s what I say. I got a fence in my yard. You don’t see no terrorists in my yard.

Bartender: Almost closing time, buddy.

GAEOB: Tell ya anudder thing. Those damn Chinese. Don’t talk to me about the Chinese. They cheat. I say, bomb em. Put up tariffs. That’ll teach em.

Tom: But that just makes the things we buy more expensive for us.

GAEOB: Bull- looney. I say don’t buy the Chinese stuff. I never buy Chinese food. Just don’t buy the stuff. I say, shop at Walmart and the Dollar Store. That’ll teach em. Watch em start crawling to us . On their knees. That’ll show the Chinese. And the Japs, too. I say only buy American food. Period. Stop buying chopsticks.

Bartender: OK, bud, you got 5 minutes.

GAEOB: Then there is ISIS. We defeated ISIS. ALL over. All dead. Just like we defeated Iran.

Tom: ISIS is still around. Tens of thousands of them. All over the Middle East and Africa.

GAEOB: Fake news. ISIS is gone. Done. I wiped them out. Another thing. No global warming. No icecaps melting. All fake news. I know more than the scientists. You wanna win a war. Call on me. I know more than the generals.

Tom: Uh… the scientists, highly educated,  have studied these problems for years. And the generals have years of training, education and experience. You know more than them.

GAEOB: Bet your hooters I do. Smarter than all of them. They don’t know nuttin. And all dem darkies on welfare. I say make em work. Nobody gets somethin for nuttin. I know. Tired of all the freeloaders. I get my disability check every month. And my Social Security check. You don’t see me freeloading.

Bartender: OK. Time’s up, old timer. Time to go. the bar is closed.

GAEOB: And anudder thing. The women love me. Love it when I grab em. I am the best, I tell you, the best. I never even met Cohen. Who is Manafort? No Trump Tower. No Trump Tower. Fake. All fake. No collusion! Lock Her Up. Mexico will pay….Lock Her Up!!!

Bartender (on the phone): Yep…uh huh…he got out again…PLEASE send the Secret Service over and tell them to keep a closer tab on this guy. While we are talking tabs…he owes me for 2 years…what…sue me? He’s bankrupt again? I should just charge it to the Treasury?

And so goes the Guy At the  End OF the Bar.

And we will pick up the tab.