Zippy versus Ted

February, 2023. The death of another Supreme Court justice has created an opening for President Biden to make another appointment. He put forth over 54 candidates but none of them could pass the now GOP led Senate. All them were rated “excellent” by the US Bar Association, but all were found lacking in some way.

Some were black. Some were women. Some were Jews. Some were Muslims. Some were too tall. Some were too short. Some were right handed. Some were left handed. Some could read and write. Each and every one had some profound defect which prevented them from even being given a hearing by the GOP dominated Senate.

Until Zippy.

Zippy the Chimp had the basic qualifications that Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz sought for this lifetime appointment. So, President Biden reluctantly relented and sent Zippy to the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings.

It was decided there would be only one camera in the meeting and it would always be focused on the distinguished chairman, Ted (Cancun) Cruz. Cruz had changed the committee rules so only he could ask questions, which upset Senators Cotton and Hawley, who needed camera time as well. But, Ted was adamant. The Democrats refused to participate, claiming (without support) that a chimpanzee is not intellectually qualified to sit on the Court. Ted and Mitch McConnell disagreed, citing Justice Kavanaugh as an example. Ted would rule the committee with an iron hand.

So, here, in its entirety is the transcript.

Ted: Thank you Zippy, for your presence here today. We will keep the meeting very short as I have a plane to catch to Cancun.I do it for my daughters. My lovely daughters. Let’s get to it. For the record, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and all that stuff?

Zippy: Hoot Hoot. (translation: I have no idea what you just said)

Ted: OK. Good answer. How would define banana?

Zippy: (excited) HOOOOT…HOOOT…hoot hoot (translation: Banana! Did I hear banana ? Give me a banana. Give me banana)

Ted: Very good. Do you think that men are men and women are women and blacks are blacks and whites are whites and that is how god made them?

Zippy: Hoot. Hooot…hooooot. (translation: I’m sure you said banana. Where is the banana?)

Ted: Excellent answer. Now, I have this book here called ” Das Kapital”.It was written by someone named Marx, I think it was Harpo Marx, but my staff is researching that right now. Do you think we should be teaching about this , what I call, economic pornography, to our Kindergarteners? Kindergarteners? Many liberal schools are teaching that book right now as we speak.

Zippy: HmmmHmmm …Hoot…hoot…Hmmm (translation: I think you meant Karl Marx, the 19th century economic philosopher and father of communism. What about the banana?)

Ted: I am glad you agree. Moving on. Every life is sacred. When I think of the embryos! Oh, my heart goes out to the embryos. (a small tear appears in his left eye). Don’t you agree that we must stop the madness of a woman deciding for herself how many children she wants. Shouldn’t the government decide that?

Zippy: Hoothoothoot…pant..hoot. (translation: They told me there would be bananas. Where in the name of Jane Goodall are the bananas? This is getting serious!)

Ted: Final question. Big government overreach. How DARE the government tell people to wear a mask or get a vaccine. Big brother. Telling us men what to do. How dare the government decide what is best for me. Don’t you oppose the liberal-communist-socialist agenda designed to take away our basic rights as men?

Zippy: Hoot Pant Hoot Pant …HOOOT..HOOOT. (jumping up and down on the table and banging his coffee mug in frustration, hair standing on end, bristling) (translation: You SOB. I was told there would be bananas. I’m missing reruns of “The Apprentice” for this? INSANE! I’m outta here.)

Zippy leaps away from the table and runs toward the back of the room, knocking over chairs, people and water bottles as he bolts toward the door.

Ted: Well, that was a fine display of concern and emotion. Such passion for the issues. For the Constitution. I know all of my Republican colleagues join me in saying that Mr Zippy is a shoe -in as the next justice of the Supreme court. Bye-bye, Zippy.

Zippy turns, displays his rump to Ted, and scampers away.

And the average IQ of the committee room is lowered by 17 points.

The Worst Communist Ever

Karl Marx had been caught in a time warp. You know, the ones we see on old Star Trek episodes. He was “beamed” into the 21st century.  I heard he was recuperating at a local hospital . I managed to get in and find his room. As I walked in I noticed he was grinning with delight and nodding his head in agreement to some TV show.

Me: Hello,  Karl. What do you think of the 21st century?

Marx: Excellent (laughing). Finally. Finally the worker’s paradise has arrived ! The capitalist behemoth of the USA has a real communist leader. At last.

Me: Karl, why do you say that ?

Marx: Look. Look. At this Fox News . I have been watching for two days. This President Barack Obama is a communist. Thank god…oops..there is no god…thank the proletariat for electing this communist ! Workers of the world unite!

Me: Well,  Karl, I wouldn’t get too excited.

Marx: Capitalist stooge! Look at this Obama and what he has done for communism. No  more wars of imperial domination ! He is afraid to use military force. No more using the proletariat for capitalist wars!

Me: Well. He did bring most of the troops back  from Iraq. But,  he also sent even more to Afghanistan. And the US does have military bases in about 100 countries around the world.

Marx: Oh…well..but now all the “means of the production” are in the hands of the people. The workers control the banks. The bankers no longer gouge the proletariat.

Me: Uh…well,  Karl. Not exactly. There was a depression caused by the financial  sector. True.  So, Obama and Congress did give billions of tax dollars to save the economy.

Marx: Yes.  A classic “redistribution of wealth ” from the bankers to the workers! Communism triumphs. As I predicted.

Me:  Actually,  Karl. It was a “redistribution of wealth”, but it went the other way. The tax dollars from the workers went to bail out the bankers who then took that money and loaned it back to the workers at a profit. Banking profits at an all time high. Wages very low.

Marx:  OK.  But now the people  own the factories,  not the bourgeoisie. I saw on Fox News that the government bought the auto industry. For the people !

Me: Yeah…about that one Karl. The US taxpayers DID bail out the auto industry. But then Obama gave it back to the private sector. Another “redistribution of wealth” thing. From the proletariat to the capitalists.

Marx (getting a little glum): At least in the area of health care the people are now in power. Since this communist Obamacare, like they call it on Fox News,  is now the law. Everyone gets free health care. And the proletariat  government controls hospitals, doctors and all medical facilities. All are equal at least in that regard. All paid for with higher taxes on the wealthy.

Me:  Sorry, Karl. But while  the ACA did bring more of the …uh…proletariat into  the health care system, millions are still not covered. And the government does not control health care. Another “redistribution of wealth”…from the working taxpayer to the health  insurance companies.

Marx: …So…there has been no people’s revolution? No equality ? This Obama has not taken money from the wealthy and given it to the worker? “To each according to his needs” ? But Fox News says that Obama is taxing the rich out of existence. Power to the people !

Me:  Actually Karl,  the income disparity between the workers and the elites is greater than ever.  About one-third of the major corporations pay no tax at all. But the workers still have taxes deducted automatically from their checks. And the part about “according to their needs” ?  Well,  you know, maybe the Koch Brothers just NEED more than a single mother working at Wendy’s ? Maybe?

Marx: So, this Fox News tells me Obama is a communist. Yet he redistributes wealth the wrong way. Are there other TV channels I can watch to get a more accurate picture?

Me: If you want a more accurate picture of politics than offered on Fox News,  I suggest you start with the Cartoon Channel.

Marx:  Hmmm…The wealthy are wealthier than ever. Obama bails out bankers. Gives the car factories to the capitalists. Sends billions of tax dollars to health insurance companies.  Continue wars of imperialistic aggression ….One last thing. Can you get me back into the time warp.  I want out of here.  This President Obama…The Worst Communist Ever !