The New Network

Greetings from your cable TV provider. We are happy to offer you our new Platinum America Package. For only $4.99* a month we can add the Platinum America Package to your cable package. A great value, for only $4.99* a month will provide you with the following great America networks.

Here is what the only $4.99* a month will get you!

TCN… The Trump Court Network. Follow all the lawsuits filed against the greatest 45th President of the United States. Charges of tax fraud in New York. Election tampering in Georgia. Inciting the riot in DC. Rape allegations. Payoffs to former “girl friends”. Get it all here . Don’t miss a moment of the trials. The verdict is in: TCN is a winner.

GDT… Gun Deaths Today. Approximately 100 Americans are murdered each day by guns. All kinds of wonderful guns. That’s an equivalent number of deaths caused by one terror attack on 9/11, each and EVERY MONTH. Yet, most stations only cover the big ones, the mass shootings. But mass shootings are just a small part of the story. Stop ignoring the little guy. Every day, the GDT will bring you as many of murders as possible. Including our TOP TEN innocents killed. Don’t be left out. Keep up with the ongoing story of murders in America on Gun Deaths Today.

EMT… EMergency room Traumas… It’s finally here. Your one stop channel for all the traumas caused by the bullets entering the flesh. Gun deaths are only part of the picture. One of the most ignored stories in America. Every year gun related traumas cost society over $1 billion. Thousands of hospital beds are taken up by injured citizens. Yet this great story goes unreported. Keep up. Maybe your local hospital will be featured on the Trauma of the Week.

ICE… Immigrant Criminal Everyday. Get the latest on all the crimes committed by immigrants. US citizens are 2 and a half times more likely to commit violent crimes than illegal immigrants. But don’t let the evidence fool you. There is still PLENTY of criminal activity by illegal immigrants. Many don’t even have driver’s licenses!! But the ICE will keep you up to date on the latest public intoxication, shoplifting, jaywalking and other immigrant crimes. All day, every day. ! (Note: If your current package already includes Fox News this network will be redundant).

TGC… Trump Golf Championships. Follow the golfing adventures of the 45th President of the United States as he tours the championship tournaments of his own golf courses. Over the years he has won more tournaments on his own course that any golfer, living or dead. Watch as he wins title after title. The only man to ever win a golf tournament that he didn’t show up for ! Watch as his opponents’ balls mysteriously end up in sand traps after appearing to land on the green. See how his shots which seem to enter the woods are miraculously located in the center of the fairway. Don’t miss a single shot.

PSAH… Politician Sex Abuse Hotline. Open 24 hours a day. This hotline is there for you to report the latest sexual assault by your local politician. Been grabbed by the pussy lately? Kissed on the neck? Have your tits rubbed? Your ass patted? Propositioned in a public toilet? Have a child who wondered why the big man wanted to do that? Just give the hotline a call. BUT, Please be patient , as our 56 operators are always busy with another caller.

FUQ… Fantasy Unlimited with Q’Anon. Our newest, most funnest game show. Contestants vie for big prizes trying to decide which story is real and which is a Q’Anon fantasy. Jews using lasers to start the California fires? Sasquatch illegally voting in Georgia? The Clintons running a child sex trafficking ring? Is Trump really still the president? These and other fantasies are explained. Then you, the viewer, can earn prizes while voting on the best fantasies. Prizes include Viking horn hats, pink replica AR-15s and tickets to the Matt Gaetz Childrens’ Show and Tell Circus.

VST… Voter Suppression Today. Every day another state passes laws suppressing the votes. How can we keep up? Is it Georgia? Is it Arizona? Ohio? Mississippi? So many states and so little time. The VST makes it easy. Every day we bring you Republican lawmakers explaining how they are preventing blacks, students and other undesirables from voting. Keep democracy white. Watch the VST and feel good for a change. But don’t forget to bring your own water!!

GMK… Gerry the Mander for Kids. What package would be complete without a channel for the kids? Follow the hilarious exploits of that goofy guy we all love, Gerry the Salamander. He contorts himself into all kinds of weird shapes and forms as he travels from state to state helping the lawmakers draw new districts that are “just right”. This lovable cartoon character has all the answers for the kids. How do you stay in power with just a few votes? How to pack districts to make sure you win? And the kids can play along and help Gerry fix election after election. Both fun and a learning experience!

*$ 4.99 for the first month, $18.99 thereafter.

Presidential Tweets Exposed

President-elect Donald Trump has been (unjustly in my mind) harshly criticized for some of his tweets on twitter. For example, while stumbling around looking for the potty at 3 AM he tweeted about some porn movie. I mean, who hasn’t done that? Then he tweeted that he won the popular vote when he actually lost the popular vote. But in fairness to him what is a couple million votes one way or another?  Within the margin of error.While some suggest that he tweets for every real  or imagined offense, like a 13 year old school girl, I object. Most 13 year old school girls have more self-control.

But Trump is not the only tweeting president in US history. In my research I learned that other presidents and famous Americans have also tweeted. I think  it was Benghazi investigation #22 or #23 that discovered a trove of past presidential tweets that had been deleted from the public record. I have put together a smattering of them just to show that The Donald is hardly alone in his twittering.

From the hidden Benghazi Committee archives.

GeorgieWashington: Hey Martha, you fat pig. Can’t find my ivory molars. Where are they? Wait.  Never mind. Found them in my mouth. #WoodenTeeth

TomJefferson: Sally loves it when I grab her pussy.  All my dark girls do.  I am the best master they ever had. #SlavePussyIsBest

AndyJackson: Send them Cherokee back from where they came.Bunch of rapists. Back to  Oklahoma where all them red  injuns belong. #TrailOfTears

JimmyPolk: What are those Mexicans doing on their…er..our land. Send in the troops. What’s theirs is ours. Manifestly. #DirtyLittleWar

JeffyDavis: Two week war. Those Yankees will be begging for peace. Easy victory. God on our side. No,  I won’t be going myself. #RebelLoser

BobbyLee: Heading to Gettysburg. Supposed to be nice this time of year. Need a break  from the war. # BackedTheWrongHorse

AbeLincoln: Won the war. Freed the slaves. Need a break. Two theater tickets. Can’t wait. #OpeningNight

GeorgieArmstrongCuster: Be home tomorrow. Need to wipe out a few hostiles. Only good Indian is a dead one. Have dinner waiting. #LittleBigHorn 

FrankieRoosevelt: Round them up. Put them in camps. Build a fence around them.Can’t trust a Jap. Or Jap kids. #SlantEyeCamps

LyndonBainesJohnson: Two week war. Those Viet Cong will be begging for peace. Easy victory. God on our side. No, I won’t be going myself. #GulfOfTonkin

JimmyCarter: Conserve energy. Stop buying from the Saudis. Go solar. The American people are willing to sacrifice. If I just explain it to them. # OneTermer

RonnieReagan: No taxes. No regulations. No welfare. No unions. No healthcare. And guess what, mommy.  The suckers love me. #GreedisGod

BillyClinton: Monica sweetie. Just keep this between me and you, ok. No need to upset Hillary.And have your dress cleaned, already. #HaveACigar

GeorgieWBush: Two week war. Those towelheads will be begging for peace. Easy victory. God on our side. No,  I won’t be going myself. #WhereAreThe WMDs?

BarryObama: The economy recovered. Unemployment down. Heath care expanded. Out of Iraq. Our policies worked. Hillary is a shoe in. What could go wrong? #MakeHimFail

So, if President #DonaldTrump  continues to tweet and twitter his way through the next four years keep in mind that he can explain his in depth policies in only 140 characters . If no one is listening.

Note: Have a tweet of your own to add? Use the comments.

 

 

Questions for Debate

The GOP is mad because the moderators of the last debate asked “gotcha” questions. Of course, the Fox moderators did the same thing but they were not criticized (except for The Donald, but then he criticizes everything so it doesn’t count). Of course, similar questions, devoid of substance, were asked at the Dem debate. The difference? The Dems, for the most part, refused to be drawn into squabbles .

Bu what if they WERE asked real questions. Not political questions, but questions that any high school grad should be able to answer or at least have an opinion about? Wouldn’t that be a joy to behold.

Here are some questions I would like to see them ask ALL the candidates from both parties.

Each candidate has 5 minutes to give a fairly thorough, though limited, response.

1. Explain the theory of evolution and whether you think it explains the diversity of life on Earth.
2.  Should the Bible, Quran, Mahabharata or any religious text be used as a governing tool?
3. Is it more important to spend money on the military or on social programs?
4. What is your position on the Affordable Care Act? If you oppose it what would you replace it with or how would you improve it?
5. Is climate change real or a hoax? Can you cite any data to back up your position?
6. Under what circumstances should the US send troops into a war? Be specific. The vague statement “our interests are threatened” is not acceptable. Give some concrete examples.
7. Will you support a law that makes it mandatory for all federal elected officials to move all their investments from the private sector into government bonds  while they are in office?
8. Since the primary purpose of government is to keep its citizens safe, what would you do to make sure that every child in America can play in their own front yard without fear of being killed by gang warfare?
9. Discuss why we have so many illegal immigrants and explain your short and long term solution to the problem.
10. The US incarcerates more people than any western nation. By far. Are Americans inherently a lawless people or is there something wrong with the legal and criminal justice systems?

No questions like: You are now 7th in the polls, why don’t you drop out of the race? Or: Some people say that your uncle on your mother’s side was a drug addict. Do you love illegal drugs? Or: Please use one word to describe all the personality characteristics of all your opponents. Etc.

Wouldn’t it be nice to know what these people are actually thinking? If they are capable of thinking? And perhaps give honest answers that are not memorized 20 second soundbites?

It might be fun to watch. It might be enlightening. It might be painful. But wouldn’t we learn something very important about each of them?

From Hero to Traitor…A How To guide

Some people are heroes. Some people are traitors. And in the fantasy world of the right wing “media” there is no middle ground.  You, too, can become a hero…or a traitor. It is all about timing. Three easy steps.

Step One. Becoming a hero.

Volunteer to go to war. Does not matter which war. Does not matter if the cause is just. Or if there is any cause at all. War, in and of itself, is a hero maker. If you join you become a hero.

Nothing the TV “news” likes better than a good old fashioned war. Reporters make careers. Officers make careers. Soldiers …well, they try to survive. Bad guys are killed. Everyone is happy.

As a volunteer soldier your congressman may have his picture taken with you. You will be honored for your courage and bravery and patriotism. You will be in the campaign ads. Next to the flag. Papa is proud. Mama is worried proud. And you will be a great hero.

Until you come home. Then, well, you are on your own. Papa is still proud. Mama is relieved. Your congressman doesn’t recognize you. Now you need help. Of course, you can always join again.

Step 2 . Becoming a superhero.

Get captured. Does not matter how. Wander off of base. Go AWOL. Get trapped by the enemy. There are a thousand strategies you can use. But get captured and your hero status will rise exponentially.

Look at John McCain. From a playboy, flyboy , wise guy pilot to hero status just by being captured. So what if he gave military information to the enemy (His words in a 1973 US news and World Report first person account). I don’t blame him. Who wants to be tortured ?

So, a hero captured and held as a POW is a double hero. Congress demands that the president bring you home. At any cost. We don’t leave our men behind…blah…blah…blah. A weak president leaves troops behind. A cowardly president. Do anything …but bring them home. We will swap enemy prisoners to get our boys back.

Like 1973. When John McCain and other US POWs were swapped for Vietnamese POWs. Vietnamese POWs who would undoubtedly return to battle to kill other Americans. But that was okay. John was okay with that. A risk worth taking. We got our boys back. Heroes all. Especially John.

Step 3. Becoming a traitor.

The hard part. How do you change from being a superhero POW  into a traitor. It is all about timing. Ask Bowe Bergdahl.

Let’s say Barack Obama is president and he manages to negotiate your release. Well. Bad news for Bowe. You may have been a hero when you risked your life in Afghanistan. You may have been a super hero when you were taken prisoner and endured 5 years of captivity at the hands of the Taliban. Endured isolation. Endured torture. Endured.

Instead of coming home to bands and parades and embraces, you will come home to anger and nastiness and cowardly accusations. Instead of inspirational stories about enduring captivity, the armchair generals of Fox will label you a collaborator. The same folks who praised Cliven Bundy will vilify the POW. But don’t take it personally. It really is NOT about you.

It is all about that other guy. The wrong guy was responsible for your release.  Poor Bowe. Should have been born 40 years sooner. Then maybe someday he could have been a hero. And a US Senator.