Mr Trump, with permission from Nancy Pelosi, will be giving the State of the Union message on Tuesday. Many people will not be able to watch him because they have better things to do. Like watch reruns of Happy Days. Clean up some dog poop. Put on toe fungus ointment. The list is endless.
Have no fear. Due to my extensive contacts with the Deep State I have been able to obtain an early draft notes of Mr Trump’s address. A special thanks to Kelly Anne Convoy, who shall remain anonymous. Hopefully. So, as a public service, here are the preliminary notes to Donald’s address. These are only notes, so Mr Trump may or may not use them.
Card #1: Say hello to our troops. Best troops ever. Remind them of your military service . You wanted to go to war and we probably would have won the Vietnam war but your father’s doctor said : No way, not with those heels! Sad. Very sad. Don’t call Pelosi a bitch. If you do, she will nail your ass for the next 2 years. THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT. Don’t cross Pelosi. PLEASE.
Card#2: Best president ever. Best economy in the history of the world. Since time began in 4004 BC. Remind them they can’t impeach someone who is doing such a fantastic job. Finally America is respected by Russia after the failed Obama stuff. DON’T say he was born in Kenya. That one is no longer useful. Mention that Kamala Harris sounds like a foreign name to you. Maybe SHE was born in Kenya. Just saying. America for Americans. Remind them to lock her up. Lock her up.
Card#3: You are building the wall. Biggest wall ever. Everyone knows walls work. Obama has a wall around his house. Keeps out illegal rapists. WHAMMO That will wing em. You don’t need congress to build a wall. You already have the money, so you don’t need congress. Also, condemn the Democrats for not giving you wall money, even though you don’t need them to give you wall money. Make that clear. They refuse to give you what you don’t need. Also, remind them that Mexico has already paid for the wall. DONE deal ! The wall is built. As promised!
Card #4: Tell them how tough you are. You got North Korea to give up all their nukes. They have promised. Remind them that you know more than the stupid CIA that claims Kim is still building nukes. FAKE NEWS. Remind them that Obama never would talk with Kim, but you out dealed the dictator. No more nukes in Korea. You are the best president ever. (Tell them). Smarter than the CIA. Kim PROMISED. He promised. Gave his word.
Card #5: Remind them how Russia is a hoax. All of Russia. You never met Putin. No one in your campaign ever met Russians. You can’t even find Russia on a map. Can’t even find a map. You don’t even know who Putin is. Also, you now have the best relations with Russia ever. By far. And Putin says he never would do anything like SPY. Ridiculous. Fake news. Putin said so, too. He PROMISED he did nothing. So, there you have it. He was very strong when he said it. VERY STRONG! Tell them you could fire Mueller if you wanted to but you don’t want to. So there.
Card#6: Tell them how the unemployment is so low. Lowest ever. It is so low that there are no unemployed. Only the lazy illegal immigrants who come here for handouts. And they rape our white women. Especially the blonde ones. Instead of working, they rape. Everyone else has a great job. And everyone has health care, thanks to your health care plan. And the bridges are all fixed and all the potholes are gone. People say so. Remind them that people say so. Another promise fulfilled. Everyone has the best health care ever. Thanks to you.
Card#7: Remind them that you are the commander in chief. That means you have all the power. You could have come to the Congress and delivered the State of the Union anytime you wanted, but you didn’t want to until now. You can go to war anytime you want. Or Jared wants. Or Bolton wants. . Watch out Venezuela. And Iran. You will defeat them like you defeated ISIS. ISIS is no longer around. All gone. Fake news if anyone says anything else. ISIS is no more.
Card # 8: Don’t use the “n” word. THIS IS IMPORTANT. There are a lot of darkies on the Dem side and they will try to make a big deal out of it. Also, your true supporters know you are a racist, no need to remind them.
Card #9: Finish by saying God Bless America. This is of utmost importance. God…Bless…America. Remind them that you are the greatest Christian ever to be president. If you don’t remember anything else (which is a good bet) don’t forget the God Bless America line. It is better than Lock Her Up. Which reminds me. Tell them you do have the power to pardon all family members…and yourself. And you intend to do so. And there is nothing Nancy can do about it, so NYAHH, NYAHH.
So, if you miss the State of the Union, don’t worry. You read it here first. It is in safe hands. Of the greatest president ever! God Bless America.