(Darren Wilson was the police officer who confronted and killed a black man in Ferguson, Missouri. He was subsequently NOT indicted by a grand jury. he has since retired from the police force.)
I was involved in an internet argument with someone who I will call “Billy Bob” the other day. Billy Bob is a died-in-the-wool supporter of Darren Wilson and his rights to kill unarmed people if he feels threatened. Billy Bob’s main argument is that Wilson was a cop. Being a cop gave him the right to kill.
I disagree. Be that as it may, Billy Bob went one step further. He thinks that Darren Wilson, (now that he has resigned) , is going to end up in the FBI. Really. He does. So, I imagine the job interview as follows…
FBI: So, Mr Wilson, I see you have 8 years experience as a police officer. Why did you leave the force?
Wilson: I did it for the good of the community.
FBI: I see. Can you expand on that?
Wilson: Yepper. I shot and killed a bad man and people in the community got mad at me. They even tried to indict me but I beat the rap.
FBI: Well. I assume you killed this man for a reason.
Wilson: Yepper. I felt my life was in danger.
FBI: So, he drew his gun first and then you shot back in self-defense?
Wilson: Nope. He didn’t have a gun.
FBI: So, he had a knife and was coming at you and was going to stab you ?
Wilson: Nope. He didn’t have a knife.
FBI: Well, he was carrying some weapon, obviously. What did he attack you with?
Wilson: He didn’t have a weapon. But he hit me. Hard.
FBI: I see. Couldn’t you have used some self-defense techniques? Some of your training?
Wilson: Nope. I was in a car when he hit me.
FBI: You were in a car? Couldn’t you just drive a few hundred feet away and wait for backup?
Wilson: Never thought of that. But he hit me. Hard.
FBI: So, why did you shoot him?
Wilson: I feared for my life. He was big. REAL big. Made me feel like a 5 year old little boy. So I shot him. I don’t like feeling like a little boy.
FBI: So, you shot him in the leg or arm to incapacitate him ? To slow him down?
Wilson. Nope. In the head. In the body.
FBI: You shot him more than once?
Wilson: I shot AT him about 10 or 12 times. I hit him 6 times. That did the trick.
FBI: So , he was right next to you and you missed 4 or 6 shots?
Wilson: Yepper. That is why I kept shooting. DUH.
FBI: Well, Mr Wilson. The FBI prides itself on being a highly-trained, well-regulated peacekeeping force. We demand top level skills, intelligence, split-second decision-making and respect for individual rights. We do have to use force, but we train our agents to use only necessary force. I really don’t think we will be interested in interviewing you for a position.
Wilson: Did I mention that the guy was black. And very big. And scary. And that he looked like a demon ?
FBI: So. You see demons? You know what a demon looks like?
Wilson: I seen pictures of them. In demon books. And I tell you, this guy LOOKED like a demon. No joke.
FBI: I see. Thank you for coming in Mr . Wilson. And best of luck in the future.
So, Billy Bob, I don’t think the FBI will be calling on Darren Wilson to join the force anytime soon. Thank god.
The Old Liberal 