Zippy versus Ted

February, 2023. The death of another Supreme Court justice has created an opening for President Biden to make another appointment. He put forth over 54 candidates but none of them could pass the now GOP led Senate. All them were rated “excellent” by the US Bar Association, but all were found lacking in some way.

Some were black. Some were women. Some were Jews. Some were Muslims. Some were too tall. Some were too short. Some were right handed. Some were left handed. Some could read and write. Each and every one had some profound defect which prevented them from even being given a hearing by the GOP dominated Senate.

Until Zippy.

Zippy the Chimp had the basic qualifications that Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz sought for this lifetime appointment. So, President Biden reluctantly relented and sent Zippy to the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings.

It was decided there would be only one camera in the meeting and it would always be focused on the distinguished chairman, Ted (Cancun) Cruz. Cruz had changed the committee rules so only he could ask questions, which upset Senators Cotton and Hawley, who needed camera time as well. But, Ted was adamant. The Democrats refused to participate, claiming (without support) that a chimpanzee is not intellectually qualified to sit on the Court. Ted and Mitch McConnell disagreed, citing Justice Kavanaugh as an example. Ted would rule the committee with an iron hand.

So, here, in its entirety is the transcript.

Ted: Thank you Zippy, for your presence here today. We will keep the meeting very short as I have a plane to catch to Cancun.I do it for my daughters. My lovely daughters. Let’s get to it. For the record, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and all that stuff?

Zippy: Hoot Hoot. (translation: I have no idea what you just said)

Ted: OK. Good answer. How would define banana?

Zippy: (excited) HOOOOT…HOOOT…hoot hoot (translation: Banana! Did I hear banana ? Give me a banana. Give me banana)

Ted: Very good. Do you think that men are men and women are women and blacks are blacks and whites are whites and that is how god made them?

Zippy: Hoot. Hooot…hooooot. (translation: I’m sure you said banana. Where is the banana?)

Ted: Excellent answer. Now, I have this book here called ” Das Kapital”.It was written by someone named Marx, I think it was Harpo Marx, but my staff is researching that right now. Do you think we should be teaching about this , what I call, economic pornography, to our Kindergarteners? Kindergarteners? Many liberal schools are teaching that book right now as we speak.

Zippy: HmmmHmmm …Hoot…hoot…Hmmm (translation: I think you meant Karl Marx, the 19th century economic philosopher and father of communism. What about the banana?)

Ted: I am glad you agree. Moving on. Every life is sacred. When I think of the embryos! Oh, my heart goes out to the embryos. (a small tear appears in his left eye). Don’t you agree that we must stop the madness of a woman deciding for herself how many children she wants. Shouldn’t the government decide that?

Zippy: Hoothoothoot…pant..hoot. (translation: They told me there would be bananas. Where in the name of Jane Goodall are the bananas? This is getting serious!)

Ted: Final question. Big government overreach. How DARE the government tell people to wear a mask or get a vaccine. Big brother. Telling us men what to do. How dare the government decide what is best for me. Don’t you oppose the liberal-communist-socialist agenda designed to take away our basic rights as men?

Zippy: Hoot Pant Hoot Pant …HOOOT..HOOOT. (jumping up and down on the table and banging his coffee mug in frustration, hair standing on end, bristling) (translation: You SOB. I was told there would be bananas. I’m missing reruns of “The Apprentice” for this? INSANE! I’m outta here.)

Zippy leaps away from the table and runs toward the back of the room, knocking over chairs, people and water bottles as he bolts toward the door.

Ted: Well, that was a fine display of concern and emotion. Such passion for the issues. For the Constitution. I know all of my Republican colleagues join me in saying that Mr Zippy is a shoe -in as the next justice of the Supreme court. Bye-bye, Zippy.

Zippy turns, displays his rump to Ted, and scampers away.

And the average IQ of the committee room is lowered by 17 points.

The Murder Trial of Bobo the Clown

My good friend Bobo the Clown was indicted for murder.

The prosecutor had a video of Bobo walking into the bank. Shots were heard. Bobo left the bank with big bag.

The police were called. One bank teller was dead on the floor. Shot three times. In addition thousands of dollars were missing from the bank.

Bobo was arrested. He plead not guilty.

Bobo’s lawyer said it was a witch hunt. The police hated clowns. They were singling out Bobo because he was a clown.

So, the evidence was clear. But wait. just before the trial began 3 witnesses came forward. They all knew Bobo. They all said they saw Bobo with a gun and a bag of money. One of them even drove Bobo’s getaway car. A clown car.

Now, Bobo’s lawyer claims that these witnesses should not be allowed to testify. They are too late. They should have come forward earlier.

As it happens, the chairman of the jury, Moscow Mitch, agrees. Moscow Mitch , in addition to being chairman of the jury is a long time clown friend of Bobo. In addition Moscow Mitch decides what evidence can be presented at the trial. They go back a long way. He doesn’t want to hear anything else.

So, the fair trial begins.

Any bets on the outcome?

 

 

Don’t Blame Trump

Polls show that most Americans blame Trump for the current shutdown. I don’t.

I taught Participation-in-Government classes for high school seniors for about 25 years. So, while I am not an expert I probably know more than most people about  the US Constitution. Which is why I do not blame Trump for the current shutdown.

The president does not make the laws. Maybe a lot of people think the president makes the laws, he doesn’t. He executes the laws passed by Congress. He may decide to prioritize some laws over others, which makes sense and is his right. But he cannot overturn a law or create a law.

That is the job of Congress. The powers of Congress are contained in Article 1 for a reason. The founding fathers put the representatives of the people first. Article 1. Only the Congress can make laws. And all laws requiring appropriation of tax dollars must originate in the House of Representatives. That is the constitution. Clear. Precise. Congress makes the laws.

Now, Mr Trump cannot sign a law unless Congress first passes it. For example, he recently signed a law which will give back pay to the 800,000 federal employees laid off through no fault of their own. Which is curious. That means when this debacle ends, all the workers will get paid. Even though they did no work. Both Congress and the POTUS agree that this is the thing to do.

The House of Representatives have passed a number of bills, 6 I think, to fund all of the government. None of those bills includes funding for a long, 2,000 mile wall. These bills were then sent to the Senate to act on.

So, the ball is in the Senate’s court. Even though the Senate passed the very same bills just last month, the Senate now refuses to even vote on these bills. But wait. Why are they refusing to vote on bills they just passed?

Because of one man. Mitch McConnell. Mitch McConnell is the virtual dictator of the Senate just as Nancy Pelosi is virtual dictator of the House. Whether you like that system or not, that is what it is.

If Mitch McConnell allowed a vote he knows that the bills passed by the House would easily pass. Then those bills would be sent to the president. The president can then decide to sign or veto any or all of them.  But, as of today, Trump is irrelevant.

Obviously the POTUS has some say in what the laws will be. He should. But ultimately it is not Mr Trump’s decision to pass any bill. He cannot sign something that has not been sent to him.

So, don’t blame Trump.

Blame Mitch McConnell. He has decided that he will not even allow a vote to open the government. He has said he will not allow any bill unless Trump gives him permission. Think about that for a moment. The leader of the Senate will only pass bills that the POTUS wants. Period.

That means that the president now controls not only the executive branch, but the legislative branch as well. Exactly the OPPOSITE of what the Constitution demands. A separation of powers.

The proper process is to pass the bills, send them to the POTUS and let the POTUS respond. Mitch McConnell has given all that power , which is supposed to be in the legislative branch, to the executive branch. One wonders why?

So don’t blame Trump for the shutdown. He has nothing on his desk to sign or veto. For some reason Mitch McConnell has decided it is not the job the the legislative branch to legislate.

Don’t blame Trump. Blame Mitch.

 

“Doing The Mitch”

The GOP Senate, lead (?) by Mitch McConnell, has announced that they are refusing to consider any Supreme Court nominee put forth by President Obama. Even though the Constitution does require the Senate to “advise and consent” on judicial  appointments, they have decided that they will refuse to abide by this Constitutional requirement. They won’t even listen to Mr. Obama on the matter.

Why? Because President Obama has only one year left in his four year term of office. And in their minds that means that he should relinquish his Constitutional power. NOW! And relax .

At first I thought this was odd. But since the McConnell announcement I have had many experiences which have convinced me that his philosophy may be the norm. In fact, across America millions have now embraced  McConnell . It even has a name. “Doing the Mitch”.

Some examples:

I called 911 because a burglar was breaking into my house. The operator informed me that she was retiring in 7 months. She said she was not going to put my call though because she was “Doing the Mitch”. Why bother? With only a few months left to work?

So, I called back and finally got a 911 operator who took my call. (By now a truck had backed up to my door and a gang of burglars were loading up my furniture).

Finally a police car arrived and Officer Blarney got out. I was relieved. I pointed out the burglars ripping me off. He had a faraway look in his eyes. And rolled them. I begged for help.

“Sorry, sir”,  he said. “I am due to retire in 10 months. In the old days I might have done something,  but no longer.  I am taking my cue from the US Constitution. I am “Doing the Mitch”.  You’ll have to call the department and ask for some rookie to come out.”

Since the truck with all my worldly belongings was starting to pull away I took matters into my own hands. I dragged one of the burglars from the truck, but was then pummeled into a stupor by the other two. As I lie on the cold hard ground I managed to find my phone and speed dialed the local hospital (don’t ask why the local hospital is on speed dial). Thank god a young voice answered.

The ambulance arrived in record time, about 30 minutes later. To my horror the EMT had graying hair and a lot of wrinkles.As he looked at me lying on the ground I could feel his irritation.

“Look”, he explained. “I would like to help you, but the fact is that I am retiring in 9 months. I really don’t see the point in working any longer. The end of my term is almost up. It doesn’t seem fair to me to force me to do my job. I am “Doing the Mitch”.

Well, I finally crawled into the hospital and was given medical assistance. Sort of . Unfortunately for me I needed a couple bones reset. The good news was that the MD who saw me was new on the job. Great. The bad news was that the anesthesiologist was near retirement. “Doing the Mitch”. Ouch. That hurt.

So, there we have it. A nation of Constitutional scholars dedicated to “Doing the Mitch”. As I was recuperating in the hospital bed a nice old lady came in with a cake that someone had sent to me as a gift. At first I was a bit worried. So I asked her, “Are you near retirement?”.

“No”, she responded sweetly. “I have a year and three months left delivering cakes for the Kim Davis Kentucky Bakery”.

“Great, I’ll take the that cake” I blurted.

“Not so fast, dearie”, she glared. “Are you gay?”