Paul, Here’s the Good News

Mr Manafort. A call from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue:

Hi Paul. How are you doing today?  Got some real good news for you.  Looking good. Oh, still in the wheelchair? Sad. Very sad.

I can’t figure out why they put you in the slammer. 10 years of bilking the taxpayers? Big deal. Hiding millions in income to avoid paying your fair share of taxes? Come on, who doesn’t do that? I have been bilking the suckers for 40 years.

I feel bad for you. After all, if you had never worked on my campaign you might have never been caught. Seems to happen to a lot of folks who worked for me. A lot of my buddies seem to be in legal trouble. Wonder why? Just doing what I asked them to do. Was that wrong? Go figure.

So, one judge gave you only 3 and a half years. Not bad, big fella. Not bad. And this other judge only gave you 3 and a half more. Not a bad deal.

I mean, who wouldn’t trade a lifetime of cheating people and living  like a millionaire for a few years in the pokey at a country club prison? It’s not like you sold a couple ounces of marijuana. Now that will get you put away for a long time. You only cheated your fellow citizens.

Guess what , Paul. I have more real good news for you. Circle this date on your calendar. November 15, 2020.  And hang in there. You see, by then the election will be over. I will be free to start handing out pardons. And you kept your mouth shut. Just keep clammed up. Like a good soldier. Not a “rat” like Cohen.

On November 16, 2020 you will hop out (I presume you won’t need that wheelchair any longer) of the pen and into freedom. A full pardon, pardner.

Now, isn’t that good news?

Wait a minute. Hold on. Oh…. Well…. Uh. ….Golly gee.

Just saw a report on Fox and Fiends that you have been indicted for state crimes in New York. No problem. I will pardon those…what ? oh? Jared just told me I can’t pardon state crimes. BUMMER!  Wait a sec…uh, really? Can’t even pardon myself for state crimes? That don’t seem fair.

What good is being the top boss if you can’t pardon yourself? No collusion. No collusion.

Hey, Paul, you don’t think that the NY attorneys will go after my little business in the city, do you? Like my real estate deals? My Russia money connections? My “creative accounting” on my taxes.  That would be bad news.

Sorry, Paul, looks like a pardon won’t do the trick for you. Or me. Unless…. Jared has an idea.

We can get Donald Junior to run for governor of New York. If he wins, which he will since he is a Trump. Then he can pardon all of us. I better start working on that right now. No time to lose.

Gotta go, Paul. At least you look good in orange.

Hey, Jared, get me Vlad on the line . What time is it in Moscow, anyway?

 

I LOVE the IRS

It is April 16. Tax day has come and gone. I can finally admit it. I am a Revenuephiliac. I love the IRS.

I fear this admission will rain down anger upon my being. I will be hated more than Gandhi at an NRA meeting. Vilified more than Al Sharpton at a gathering of the White Aryan Nation. Be more harshly treated than Sarah Palin at a MENSA Convention.

But I confess. I love the IRS. Very Un-American, I know. But that’s the way I am. And here’s why.

The IRS is under attack. And has been for many years. The money budgeted for enforcement has been declining. Since 2002 the IRS budget has actually declined by 17%. Fewer agents means that the chances of getting audited are less than 1% for most folks, about 20% for millionaires and less than 1% for businesses. Some politicians, like Ted Cruz, have publicly stated they want to do away with the IRS completely. So, as a champion of the underdog, I take up the banner of our tax police. Seriously. They have a banner.

As the financial support for the IRS has waned on the one hand, fraud and corruption have skyrocketed on the other. Who could of guessed ? Fewer cops, fewer arrests. The Center For Tax Justice estimates that for every dollar spent on funding the IRS the US brings in $10 dollars in revenue that would otherwise be lost. WHAT ? A federal agency that makes money ? Others estimate that with long term modernization the actual investment return is closer to $200 for each dollar spent today.  There are BILLIONS of tax dollars going uncollected each year. Over $280,000,000,000 in overdue taxes will never be collected according to an IRS study from just a few years ago. And it is getting worse.

It has been a longstanding tradition to hate taxes. It is as American as racism or homophobia, to be sure. The nation was founded by tax dodgers. The Boston Tea Party was not a protest against free speech…it was a tax protest. And probably justified. Why pay taxes to those guys across the ocean? The Whiskey Rebellion? Same thing. Except this time it was why pay taxes at all. So, we have a solid history of being tax avoiders and tax cheats. All the more reason for the IRS.

After all, the IRS is nothing more than the domestic equivalent of our military or police force. And who can hate the troops? Or the police? They uphold the law, go after lawbreakers and make sure everyone plays by the same rules.  They support the democratic process and the rule of law.  They help collect the funds necessary to keep the nation moving ahead. They are the cop on the beat. The Marine standing guard over the flag.

Of course some taxes are pre-collected. The tax on the McDonald’s counter worker and the non-unionized VW assembly line worker. The cop. The teacher. The engineer. Anyone who works for a living. These shmucks can’t cheat on their taxes, and probably wouldn’t anyway.

Who could be against the IRS ? Tax cheats? Crooks? Organized crime? Money launderers for drug cartels?

Who benefits from a weak police force ? The honest citizen or the criminal?

So, join me in this IRS lovefest. Write your congressman. Ask for more money and better enforcement of our tax laws. What better investment is there? A $10-200 return for every dollar spent. In the end, if ALL taxes are collected, won’t you and I pay less? Won’t the honest citizen get a break?

Revenuephiliacs Unite! You have nothing to lose but your friends! And you might save a few bucks as well.