Mr Manafort. A call from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue:
Hi Paul. How are you doing today? Got some real good news for you. Looking good. Oh, still in the wheelchair? Sad. Very sad.
I can’t figure out why they put you in the slammer. 10 years of bilking the taxpayers? Big deal. Hiding millions in income to avoid paying your fair share of taxes? Come on, who doesn’t do that? I have been bilking the suckers for 40 years.
I feel bad for you. After all, if you had never worked on my campaign you might have never been caught. Seems to happen to a lot of folks who worked for me. A lot of my buddies seem to be in legal trouble. Wonder why? Just doing what I asked them to do. Was that wrong? Go figure.
So, one judge gave you only 3 and a half years. Not bad, big fella. Not bad. And this other judge only gave you 3 and a half more. Not a bad deal.
I mean, who wouldn’t trade a lifetime of cheating people and living like a millionaire for a few years in the pokey at a country club prison? It’s not like you sold a couple ounces of marijuana. Now that will get you put away for a long time. You only cheated your fellow citizens.
Guess what , Paul. I have more real good news for you. Circle this date on your calendar. November 15, 2020. And hang in there. You see, by then the election will be over. I will be free to start handing out pardons. And you kept your mouth shut. Just keep clammed up. Like a good soldier. Not a “rat” like Cohen.
On November 16, 2020 you will hop out (I presume you won’t need that wheelchair any longer) of the pen and into freedom. A full pardon, pardner.
Now, isn’t that good news?
Wait a minute. Hold on. Oh…. Well…. Uh. ….Golly gee.
Just saw a report on Fox and Fiends that you have been indicted for state crimes in New York. No problem. I will pardon those…what ? oh? Jared just told me I can’t pardon state crimes. BUMMER! Wait a sec…uh, really? Can’t even pardon myself for state crimes? That don’t seem fair.
What good is being the top boss if you can’t pardon yourself? No collusion. No collusion.
Hey, Paul, you don’t think that the NY attorneys will go after my little business in the city, do you? Like my real estate deals? My Russia money connections? My “creative accounting” on my taxes. That would be bad news.
Sorry, Paul, looks like a pardon won’t do the trick for you. Or me. Unless…. Jared has an idea.
We can get Donald Junior to run for governor of New York. If he wins, which he will since he is a Trump. Then he can pardon all of us. I better start working on that right now. No time to lose.
Gotta go, Paul. At least you look good in orange.
Hey, Jared, get me Vlad on the line . What time is it in Moscow, anyway?