Racist or Stupid?

Barack Obama: Good evening folks. Time to play the latest game especially for Republicans. It’s time to play “Racist or Stupid?”

Barack: First our contestants. From Powder Puff Hill, Ohio we have a 67 year old retired washer woman, Karen Kumquat. And from Gulch Gulch, Texas a 34 year old unemployed student of UFO studies, Dwayne Wayne Layne Jumaine.

Barack: OK. First question . Remember the first one to stamp your feet and cry “I was cheated” gets to answer. Every answer must be either “Racist” or “Stupid”. Ready?

Barack: First statement. Muslim people are all terrorists….. Dwayne?

Dwayne: uh… racist?

Barack: Good job, Dwayne. Next statement. Donald Trump is the best president ever….. Karen?

Karen: That’s racist.

Barack: Sorry Karen, not correct,…. Dwayne?

Dwayne: That’s a racist statement.

Barack: Uh. No , that was just stupid. Next statement. Trump won more popular votes than Joe Biden…. Karen?

Karen: True.

Barack: No, Karen, you have to answer “racist” or “stupid”… Dwayne?

Dwayne: True.

Barack: No, sorry, you are both wrong. The correct answer was “stupid”. Let’s try this one. Votes in Philadelphia, Detroit and Atlanta should not count…. Dwayne?

Dwayne: True.

Barack: No, Dwayne, the ONLY answers are “racist” or “stupid”…. Karen?

Karen: Greatest president ever.

Barack: No, Karen, that’s not correct. Correct answer was “racist”. Ok… One final statement. QANON is the truth and we must all follow Q….. Karen?

Karen: Yes. We must all follow Q. I agree.

Barack: NO. Please remember the answers to the statements…. Dwayne? Racist or Stupid?

Dwayne: Both. Because QANON is really a false flag operation of Antifa. And Antifa is racist.

Barack: I give up. That’s it for tonight. So, saying good bye for now. Dwaye and Karen, any last words?

Dwayne: Racist!

Karen: Stupid!

Amen.

Embrace Your Race (ism)

It’s about time.

For many years the racists have had to hide in the shadows. Like slimy snakes in the grass. Like moles in their holes. Like cockroaches in the cracks. You get the picture.

Being a racist is as American as the melody of the Star Spangled Banner. Oh. Wait. That was actually the melody of an old English drinking song. But, you know what I mean.

The colonists were racist. The founding fathers were racist. Even Honest Abe, if he were to tell the truth, was a racist. Racism permeates the history of the American people.

Just in my lifetime we had the good old days of Jim Crow. Negroes drinking from the same public fountains as real Americans? Outrageous. Marrying white folks. Not in the good old days. Eating in a white restaurant? No gonna happen. Ah. Good times for all.

Then something happened. The socialists. The equal rights crowd. The PC police.

All of a sudden it was “wrong” to be a racist. There something “wrong” with lynching. It was “wrong” to tell taxpaying citizens they could not have the same rights as the rest of us. The communists trying to tell the rest of us how to live.

But, thank the good lord Jesus, times are a changing  back. Back to the good old days when racists didn’t have to hide, but wore their hoods with pride. I said “hoods”, not “hoodies”. Don’t be confused.

Now we finally have a real man in the White House. WHITE House. Not “Negro” House. Not “Person of Color” House. WHITE HOUSE. Built by white folks, for a white president. (OK, maybe the Negroes did help a little bit in building the White House, but they got room and board).

And our real man in the White House finally tells it like it is. Send them back. Ship em back to where they came from. Put on the hoods and take out the trash. No need to hide any longer. No need to pretend . No need to whisper your racist hate. The man at the top is on your side.

Embrace your racism. It’s a new day in America. The cockroaches no longer scatter when the lights come out. Welcome to Trump’s America.

 

The Virgin Mary Test

There is a new test for holding office in the US. It is the Virgin Mary Test.

For those unfamiliar with good old Christianity, let me explain exactly who the Virgin Mary was.

She was the mother of Jesus. She gave birth to Jesus even though she had never had sexual intercourse, even with her husband. Never. Ever. She was as pure as the driven snow.

The perfect woman. Mother. Virgin. Unspoiled. Untouched. Like a 3 day old donut at a vegan buffet.

She never had to apologize or be contrite. Why not? Because she never did anything wrong. The ultimate Politically Correct human being. Let us adore her. Amen.

The governor of Virginia is under attack. 35 years ago he was in a photo. A racist photo. The photo showed him in blackface or a KKK robe. Maybe as part of some Halloween party. Who knows. It was in his college yearbook. He was an obvious racist. No doubt. Right there for all to see.

And he has admitted it. It was him. 35 years ago. He did wrong. Since then, as governor of Virginia he has lead the charge against racism. Spoke out loudly against the racists at Charlottesville when our POTUS was silent. Advocated for a woman’s right to control her own reproduction. Fought for a voting rights bill that made sure his black citizens would have an equal right to vote in Virginia. Ran for office with an African-American as his lieutenant governor. And won.

But now the entire Democratic establishment has spoken. I was watching MSNBC as “pundits”, black, white, women, men., are all calling for his resignation. They are horrified! Outraged! One even said this photo of him in blackface has reopened the “old wounds of racism”.

And here I am. Thinking that racism had never ended. Someone should have told me.

Not only the pundits, but the list of Democrats who want to be president weighed in.

Kamala Harris called for his resignation because…” Leaders are called to a higher standard….”

Julian Castro…his behavior was unconscionable…he must resign….

Booker, Warren, Gillibrand…all called for his resignation.

The governor of Virginia, if he is going to run as a Democrat, must be The Virgin Mary. Pure. Holy. Untainted. Ever.

Of course, the REAL racists, many in the GOP, are gleeful. They have the yearbooks, the photos, the emails, the friends, the discussions, the drunken parties of ALL the Democratic candidates for president.

The holier than thou , jump on the bandwagon crew. Did Harris ever have an affair with a married man, as some have suggested? Did Warren ever claim Native American heritage? Did Booker ever work to oppose liberal reforms in New Jersey? Did Gillibrand ever have an A rating from the NRA before she “saw the light”?

Did any white candidate ever laugh at a “negro “joke? Did any male candidate ever make a disparaging or sexist comment about a girl? Did any minority candidate ever make a “honky” joke? Did any female candidate ever make a disparaging remark about a man?

I hope not. Because the Democratic Party has now laid down the minimum requirements for office. Virginity. Purity. Of thought, word and deed for your entire life. There can be no deviation. No mistakes. No sins. Confession will not be enough. A life of good works will not be enough.

The opposition researchers of the GOP are smugly waiting in the wings. They can be patient. They will wait until the last man or woman is standing. Then they will unleash the gods of human perfection on the Democratic nominee.

The Virgin Mary never ran for office. Why not? Because in her youth she once told a joke about a Roman soldier. Ended her career.

Sore Winners, Sore Whiners

In 2016 the folks who voted for Donald Trump got what they wanted. Donald Trump. The Republican party took control of the Senate, the House of Representatives, the White House and the Supreme Court.

Since the election Mr Trump and the Republican party have been able to name 2 new justices to the Supreme Court. These justices will help determine the laws for the next 30 years. They will likely overturn a woman’s right to choose. They will likely continue to support voter suppression laws. As promised.

Since the election Mr Trump and the Republican Party have passed a $1,500,000,000,000 tax cut, with $1,200,000,000,000 of that going to the top 1%. As promised.

Since the election Mr Trump and the Republican Party have done much to gut the Affordable Care Act and cut spending on social programs. They have gutted environmental protections. Sold public land to gas and oil and timber leases for corporate profit. Built the pipeline. Added billions to the military. As promised.

Since the election Mr Trump and the Republican Party have dropped out of the Global Warming agreements, dropped out of the US-Asian trade agreements, imposed tariffs on China and Europe and in general done everything possible to destroy international treaties and cooperation. As promised.

So, why are they so mad? Why are they so unhappy? Why are the Trump supporters still chanting “Lock Her Up”? Why are they frightened  all the time? Why do they fear 5 year old Honduran girls? Why so much hate? Why so much whining and complaining?

They wanted a conman, a xenophobe and a racist. They got it. They wanted a political party that suppressed the votes of minorities and that redefined American as “white”, not “diverse”. They got it. They wanted a political party that put profits ahead of people. They got it.

So why the whining? The Republican Party and Donald Trump have had complete control of the political process for 2 years and have accomplished almost everything they wanted. So, why the whining?

There is nothing they cannot make a law about. So, why the whining?

Never in US history have so many “winners” turned into so many “whiners”.

It would be interesting to find out why the folks who won the last election are so miserable.

Lincoln-Douglas Debates Redux

I just finished reading the original Lincoln-Douglas Debates of 1858. Both were running for the Illinois Senate seat. Douglas was the incumbent.  The debates half the time centered on the key issues of the day and half the time were used to attack the opponent as corrupt or dishonest.

Still, they discussed their different philosophies about slavery, the Dred Scott decision, the Missouri Compromise, the Wilmot Proviso, the Mexican War, the Fugitive Slave Act and the Nebraska question. As well as the original intention of the “founding fathers” regarding the spread of slavery. Heady issues of the times.

What was most fascinating, though, was the format. No “moderators”. No “gotcha” questions”. Just a timekeeper. Over the course of the seven debates the format was the same. One candidate was given a full hour to speak. His opponent was given one and a half hours for rebuttal. Then the first candidate was given half an hour to respond. Three hours total. Over the course of the debates Lincoln and Douglas each had ten and a half  hours to explain their philosophies and positions on the great issues of the day.

I wonder what a Lincoln-Douglas debate, using today’s typical format and analysis, would look like. Here goes.

Moderator: Welcome to the first and only debate between “Honest Abe” Lincoln and the “Judge”, Stephen A Douglas. This debate is sponsored by the FauxNews/ABC/CBS/MSNBC/ESPN/Hollywood/Shopping Channel consortium.  The format is as follows. Each candidate will get 30 seconds to answer a question, then his opponent will get a 30 second rebuttal. We hope to delve into the important Constitutional, social, economic, social and political issues of the day.

Moderator: First question to “Honest Abe”. Mr Lincoln, isn’t it true that you slept with a man for many years . Doesn’t this imply that you support gay marriage.

Lincoln: Well, while it may be true that I did sleep in the same bed as a fellow for a while, let me put that in context. At the time many young men without means rented cheap rooms at boardinghouses and shared accommodations as a matter of economic necessity.  This in no way….(BUZZER)

Moderator: Your time is up. Now, to the “Judge”. Senator Douglas. What do you think of Mr Lincoln’s support for homosexuality and gay marriage.

Douglas: First, let me thank the press and the fine audience here. I see many supporters and some detractors. I hope you will give both Mr Lincoln and I the courtesy of listening carefully to our arguments and positions. Now, regarding Mr Lincoln and…(BUZZER).

Moderator: Your time is up. Next question for the “Judge”. Senator Douglas, Kim Kardashian has recently called both you and Mr Lincoln racists. What is your response?

Douglas: Well, I don’t know who this particular person is (LOUD GASPS from the audience) but I have always said that the United States was formed by white men and for white men. If that makes me a racist, so be it. Any white man today would hold the same opinion.Furthermore…(BUZZER)

Moderator: Abe. Your response?

Lincoln: I am afraid that you have me at a disadvantage, sir. Like my friend the Judge, I have no idea what news organization this Mr Kardashian works for (more LOUD GASPS from the audience, and chuckles of disbelief from the moderator). I have always held that the Negro is a human being, but is , of course, inferior to the white man in every way. However, let me add…(BUZZER).

Moderator: Well, there you have it, the only debate between Lincoln and Douglas . Fascinating stuff. Now , to our analysts, Huck and Sarah. Tell us who won?

Sarah: You betcha I will. First, old Abe. A catastrophe. I don’t know who did his makeup but those ugly lines and big nose? Give me a break. His suit was way too small. His looks like a big ape . Gangly and awkward. Definitely not going anywhere in politics.  Judge Douglas. Well. Here cums da judge. Here comes da judge. Hahahaha. Dressed to a “T”. Great suit. Great tie. I would only suggest he wear lifts to make himself a little taller. A clear win for Senator Douglas in my book.

Moderator: And Huck, what is your analysis? Who won?

Huck: Well, I think the American people were the big losers today. Neither of these candidates is fit for high office. Lincoln sidestepped the gay rights issue. What is he hiding? And Douglas never did explain his ideas about white supremacy. What does he really believe? But the clincher was this. Neither candidate seemed to know who Kim Kardashian is? Really? You expect us to believe that? The most important political analyst-dancer-TV personality of modern times and neither of these candidates had a clue? Both are UNFIT for public office. Case closed.

Moderator: So you have it. An in depth look at the issues and candidates. Stick around for the next two hours as we air our special ” When  Sasquatch Goes to the Mall”. And don’t forget to vote. It is your duty. I think voting this year is sometime in November…or is it October..? Google it.

Racist Mike Votes

I met Racist Mike this week.

I was visiting my daughter and her husband in their new (old) home in New Jersey…check that..New Joicy.

While  I was working on the back deck the neighbor, Racist Mike leaned over his deck and started a conversation. By the way, at the time of the conversation I had no  idea his  name was Racist Mike. Never met him before.

The conversation started innocuously enough. Talking about golf. I learned he was a great golfer in his youth. I am a hacker. If I lose fewer than three balls on the local 9 hole course I consider it a great round.  Mike used to shoot in the 60s. Till he hurt his back.

After golf I learned that Racist Mike grew up in this part of Jersey and had no desire to visit the Finger Lakes, where I live. No desire to see the world. No Marco Polo is Racist Mike. This area was all he needed to  see.  OK.  We can’t all strive to push the limits of adventure posed by the Garden State Parkway. God knows where it leads !

I  also learned (as you can guess, Racist Mike did most of the talking in this “conversation”)  that his old neighborhood,  just a few miles from here , was now overrun by the “Spanish”. Visions of Generalissimo Franco and his army trudging through Belleville flitted in my brain. Death to traitors. Tapas, anyone?

Then of course, we moved on to the “blacks”. The “blacks ” might be coming to Racist Mike’s neighborhood and he wasn’t thrilled. I am not sure if he knows any “blacks” but he has strong opinions about them.  Kind of how I feel about alien beings from Alph Centuari. Never met one, but I am pretty sure we wouldn’t get along. I wanted to suggest to him  any “blacks” who could afford a $ 400,000 home probably would not want him as a neighbor. But I didn’t.

Next up: Obama and the Ferguson , Missouri shooting. I learned that the police officer in Ferguson was attacked by the black thug and was forced to defend himself by pumping the guy full  of lead. And that Obama and that “black Attorney General” supported black thugs. (To his undying credit, Racist Mike does not use the “N” word. He is a real PC racist.) And, that, my friends , is why the  Democrats will never win another presidential election! You heard it here first, from Racist Mike.

Before I could respond and perhaps start a brawl in my daughter’s new neighborhood I heard a voice from inside the house. “Dad, I need your help here”. It was a way out and I took it. Once inside, my daughter said she didn’t need help but was just giving me an out from Racist Mike’s encyclopedia of ignorance. Thank you, sweetie.

I don’t know where Racist Mike gets his belief system. Probably a combination of growing up in “simpler times” and a steady diet of Rupert Murdoch and Rush Limbaugh. There is only so much room in the brain. Maybe the tolerant, smart stuff fell out.  Or , maybe it is just old age. He is 73.  Or maybe his contact with blacks has been limited to his Rap Music video collection. Hence the thug imagery. Whatever.

One thing for sure. Racist Mike votes. Racist Mike, and people like him , make sure they get registered and vote. They help determine who will be in Congress and who may be in the White House.  People like  Racist Mike form the base of the Tea Party, and now, the Republican Party. Something to think about.

Racist Mike votes. Do you ?