Tag Archives: Schultz

A Person of Means

The billionaire guy who sells coffee for a living thinks he should be president. I forget this name. I think it was Shultz or Shittz or Schlumptz.  Anyway. More importantly, he thinks that “billionaires” give “billionaires” a bad name. His solution? Stop referring to billionaires as “billionaires”. Instead, refer to them (and him) as “persons of means”.

Note to self. You are being screwed by “persons of means”. Yep. That sounds better.

But, it got me to thinking. Which is always dangerous. Perhaps we could salvage the reputations of other disparaged groups if we simply changed what we called them.

Billionaire: “person of means”.

Robber: “person in possession of property without proper receipts”

Rapist: “person who violently sexually assaults another person who did not give complete assent to such an action”

Moron: “person whose mental abilities seem to be less than that of many other persons”

Drunk Driver: “person whose alcohol consumption negatively impacts on his ability to properly navigate a vehicle on a public highway”

Murderer: “person who intentionally causes the early termination of the life span of an otherwise healthy individual”

Homeless: “person whose ongoing residence in a permanent location is not possible due to his lack of proper monetary policy”

Pundit: “person whose college contacts allow him to exhibit an incredible ignorance and lack of foresight about topics of which he has never thought deeply”

Politician: “person with an incredible ability to improperly discern the needs and wants of the common man, yet still has the speed and chutzpah to change direction and  to attempt to lead popular movements started by others”

Spy: “person who uses his access to highly sensitive information to earn a monetary reward by supplying such information to individuals from a nation considered not very friendly to the host nation”

Fox News host: “person (usually blonde) who obsesses on driving violations by Mexicans while ignoring treason, bribery and other crimes committed by individuals connected to the Russian government”

Golfer: “person who spends hours walking in the woods searching for spherical objects and then prevaricates when confronted about the number of times such spheroids were actually contacted with a specially made metal stick”

Whore: (see Politician, except “honest”)

Feel free to add your own !





Filed under government, Politics