(Somewhere in the deepest caves in Afghanistan a meeting of the Al-Qaeda leadership is taking place.)
Mustafa Waynoofa La Pierre: Allah Be Praised. Where are the corn chips? Ah. Good. Welcome to the first meeting of the Al-Qaeda chapter of the National Rifle Association. Although our funds are running low we feel the $35 membership is well worth the cost. Not only do we get insurance if any of our guns are stolen, but we also get a free subscription to “American Hunter”. I think it is a guide to hunting Americans. Questions?
Mohammed bin O’Reilly: Why are we joining this American organization? Allah Be Praised. Is it not an organization of loyal Americans?
MustafaWaynoofa La Pierre : I know it seems strange. Allah and AK-47s Be Praised. But our accountants have done a cost-benefit analysis and we decided this was the best bang for the buck, so to speak.
Abdullah Zimmerman: Explain that. Our goal is to kill Americans. Not protect them. We lured them to Iraq and Afghanistan to kill them. And it worked. Allah and George Bush Be Praised.
John Wilkes Boothafa: And we spent so much time planning 9/11. Look how many we killed. Allah and Cheney Be Praised. Now you are saying we should join the Americans! Never.
Mustafa Waynoofa La Pierre: Hear me out. Joining the NRA is the easiest, cheapest way to kill Americans. And isn’t that out goal? Allah and Fox News Be Praised. In Iraq and Afghanistan we have killed fewer than 7,000 Americans! And it has taken us 13 years ! Fewer than 3,000 in the attacks on 9/11. We thought that was good. HAH!
Many shouting in the room: Praise Allah. Kill the infidels! Allah Be Praised.
Mustafa Waynoofa La Pierre: Wait ! Wait ! During that same period in the US Americans with guns killed over 420,000 Americans. That is more than all Americans killed in all the wars since WW2. Allah and the NRA Be Praised. In fact, more Americans have been killed by guns since 9/11 than ALL Americans killed in WW2 by the Germans and Japanese combined. Allah and La Pierre Be Praised !
Abdullah James Earl Rayoofa: This is embarrassing. You mean we spent all this time and money and energy and sacrifice trying to kill Americans and we have this result?
Mustafa Waynoofa La Pierre: We have been fools. Allah and Smith and Wesson Be Praised. Instead of wasting our time and energy on plots to destroy Americans we could have simply joined and supported the NRA. They do a much better job a killing Americans than we could ever dream of. They make sure every hateful, mentally ill American can get a gun. Not to mention children . There is a special place in paradise for Wayne La Pierre. He will certainly have many virgins…unless he shoots them first.
Muhammed bin Huckabee: So. What should we do? Allah and Cop Killer Bullets Be Praised.
Mustafa Waynoofa La Pierre: Easy. Just fill in the form. Include your VISA card number and join. You will get a free magazine, insurance for your guns and the knowledge that you are helping stop any sane laws to control guns in America. Think of all those American children that you are helping murder! And as a bonus, the NRA is the only organization that hates the American president more than we do! They will make sure American keep killing Americans. When it comes to killing Americans, nobody does it better. They have a saying in the ungodly, Satan-worshiping USA. If you can’t beat em, join em. And when it comes to helping people kill Americans, nobody beats the NRA.