Carolina on My Mind…or in My Toilet

North Carolina just passed a law about using public bathrooms. I assume LGBT folks using bathrooms has become a statewide epidemic of sorts! While I usually don’t care what kind of genitalia anyone else in the bathroom is packing, I thought I better clarify some issues so I don’t break any laws. Or customs.

This is a copy of a letter I submitted to the Charlotte Observer.

 

Dear Folks. I am coming down to North Carolina this October to play some golf and am a bit concerned about the new bathroom law just passed. I guess I don’t understand it so maybe you can answer some questions so I don’t make a fool of myself. Or break any laws.
1. When I enter a restroom will I have to drop my pants so the attendant can see whether or not I have the proper equipment? If so, would you suggest boxers or briefs?
2. If I suspect the “guy” (or maybe not the “guy”) in the next stall is not really the “guy” in the next stall, should I dial 911 to handle the emergency?
3. Will I need to bring a birth certificate to verify that I was born with the right equipment and have not just added it later on a whim? Will a photocopy be acceptable? (I don’t want another Obama situation!)
4. Can I ask a fellow toilet user to produce his (or “her”) equipment if I suspect he (or she) may be hiding, or not hiding, something? Like a “citizen’s arrest”?
5. Are the public restrooms now clearly labeled: Men, Women and Other? And do you still have some labeled: Whites Only?
6. If my equipment is challenged by another “guy” will I have to appear in court and produce proper evidence?
Not being a lawmaker or a lawyer I am afraid that I might inadvertently make a “faux pas” by using an inappropriate facility.
I am really looking forward to heading into North Carolina. Up here in Yankee land we are dealing with unemployment, poverty, gun violence, high taxes, etc. It will be a real pleasure to relax in a place where the biggest problem is determining the sex organs of fellow facility users.

(signed) Joe Urban

Disgusting Women

I quote Donald Trump:

“I know where she went — it’s disgusting, I don’t want to talk about it,” Trump said, screwing up his face, as the crowd laughed and cheered. “No, it’s too disgusting. Don’t say it, it’s disgusting.”

While some people dismiss this as another “Trumpism” I think  we need to take note. After all, when one of the most vile, nasty and ignorant people in the United States calls something “disgusting” it must be REALLY awful.

I admit that I do not have firsthand knowledge, like Donald evidently does, of what “goes on” in the Ladies Room. I have always pictured the Ladies Room as a sanctuary of joy and peace. Comfortable chairs. Flowers in vases. Vogue and Conde Naste. Perhaps a few bottles of the best bottled water.

I can recall many times when I was at dinner and a woman would go to “powder her nose” or “freshen up” . Yet when she returned , as she sometime did, her nose still glowed and she seemed none the fresher. Yet, I  failed to see through the feminine facade.

I have long suspected that Ladies rooms were hiding something. Something only the Donald knows. Perhaps he has traded his fox skin hairpiece for a woman’s wig and so breached the sacred walls? Perhaps he hired an undercover female traitor who had divulged their secrets?  Like Donald, I have known since 2nd grade that girls have cooties. Was this the final proof?  Whatever is going on cannot be simple defecation and urination. It is more vile than that.

I can only imagine. What do  these women DO behind closed doors. Like chimpanzees in the cages at the zoo do they hurl feces at each other? Is that why it takes them so long to “freshen up” and get back to the dinner table? Do they take off the gloves and engage in non-holds-barred kick boxing brawls? Is that why they powder their noses? To hide the bruising?

To find exactly what DOES go on behind those sacred  doors of womenhood I called upon an expert, Mrs. Abigal Charlotte Beauregard von Holstein. She, like her mother and grandmother before her, is the current chairwoman of the DAP (Daughters of the American Porcelain.)

Me: Hello Mrs. von Holstein. May I call you Abby.

Mrs. vH: Most certainly NOT.

Me: Donald Trump has charged that many “disgusting ” things are happening in the so-called “Ladies Room”. What is your response?

Mrs. vH: Ladies simply use the facilities to take care of normal bodily functions.

Me: Normal bodily functions? The Donald insists these functions are “disgusting” . How do you respond?

Mrs. vH: I respond by asking you what goes on in the Men’s Lavoratories.

Me: All kinds of disgusting things. I mean, when I was a little boy I recall going to Comiskey Park to see the White Sox and having to use the men’s room to pee. It was amazing. There was a long trough along one wall and men, who had had a lot of beer, stood shoulder to shoulder spraying the walls, floors and sometimes even the urinal. The place had an odor of old urine. The toilets were clogged. Even for a nine year old it was disgusting.

Mrs vH: I can assure you that nothing so unpleasant occurs in the Ladies room. Only normal bodily functions. In a sanitary setting. End of interview. You may go now.

Me: You mean that women just…uh..use the toilets? These paragons beauty and grace  do a  number 1 and number 2? Those gorgeous  Playboy bunnies I see in the mags just need to flatulate?

I can now more fully appreciate The Donald’s disgust for women and their nasty habits . Poor Donald has had his world shattered! How would you like it if you had purchased a trio of trophy wives and they expressed normal bodily needs? Every time your current woman (and Donald loves women)  went to “powder” her nose all you could think about was that your model of femininity and grace was simply taking a dump.